GF/Fiance cannot cope with my anxiousness, need help!

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I could do with some advice if anyone is able to give it. I'm a 34 year old with Aspergers and been in a relationship with my NT girlfriend now fiance for 6 years (on and off).
I keep causing problems in that nearly every time she asks a question around whether something was done/not done around the house or otherwise I immediately (and I mean immediately) react in feeling intensely disapproved of and shrink into myself wondering why I am not being liked. It's got to the stage that sometimes with even general questions of inquiry, "Why is that clean plate there?" result in me feeling and reacting as though I have been accused of doing something wrong. She thinks my reaction is unreasonable and gets annoyed, I feel more anxious and withdraw/get panicky and an argument starts...

As an added complication my being Aspie and she NT she has the expectation (during an argument) that I'll be able to consider how my behaviour makes her feel and that I will choose my words carefully to consider how they could make her feel. I don't want to be hurting her by disrespecting how she feels but of course I can only work that out when I am calm, collecting and not feeling anxious so I can logically run through the NT psychology.

The continued behaviour is driving her up the wall and according to her, making her feel as though I'm constantly responding as though she's done something wrong, when she hasn't. I'm beginning to be constantly on edge expecting an argument to start for no apparent reason (to me) which is just leading to me reacting more and more nervously to any question that is asked.

I now unfortunately said what was on my mind in an argument in that I went into this relationship just wanting a woman who likes [and approves] everything I do, no matter what. Which I logically know is unreasonable but unfortunately does have a grain of truth to it.

I could really do with some advice here from Aspies or NTs about how I can just stop perceiving questions as harsh critique. I know CBT is the obvious answer but this is not a prolonged incorrect thought process here, it's a snap reaction that we need to stop happening.

Anyone? Please...

I was going to mention CBT until I saw you addressed it at the end. I still think it's a good idea. As for snap reactions, sometimes those are hard to control, we react the way we've always done just because it's habit. It might take longer for CBT to help with it, but even if you react quickly and catch yourself after a few seconds you can work on changing your thoughts. Eventually you can catch yourself before you react. We'd all love someone who was approving all the time, but you're right that it isn't realistic. The good thing is that disapproval on occasion isn't an indication of not being loved. You seem to understand that intellectually but your emotions aren't listening to your intellect before reacting. Just the fact that you see what the problem is, you know your self talk, and you know that it isn't accurate sounds like good signs to me that you can change this reaction through time.
By the way, I'm NT, and I can't pick and chose my words carefully during a fight to avoid hurting my spouse either. I try, but I'm rarely successful once I'm mad enough. I know some people can, but a lot of us don't have that type of control in moments of anger. It's something I constantly have to work on, and I often end up saying very hurtful things I wish I could take back in moments of rage.

Thank you. Your words are much appreciated.

I will try the CBT approach anyway, as you suggest.

I think my concern over my words in an argument is less that I say things I don't mean but rather I say things I do mean, just not either in an inconsiderate way or not considering that the fact that I think that way is itself hurtful.

I totally understand, I do that too, I say things which I really think but would usually not say because it's just mean. In anger it's harder to censor the things that come out of my mouth.

What do you find anxious? List all of the things you become anxious about...
Also at the times when you are anxious, maybe you could try doing a physical activity or you could have something that helps you relax.