The purpose of marriage (for the non religious)

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I'm not sure if this has been discussed previously, but its never been something I've quite understood. I'm aware of the financial gains with tax and other benefits, but I'm not sure what else it really brings to the table. All marriage is to me is a legally binding contract stating that you, as a couple are together. Why does a piece of paper have to validate a relationship, isn't what you mutually feel for each other all that matters? Some might say its a matter of commitment, but lets say after a certain amount of time the other gets bored and decides to cheat. Wouldn't they cheat regardless if they were legally committed or not? Divorce statistics seem to think so. Also, with your standard wedding taking place in a church under the witness of a priest just seems pretty strange to me if neither are religious. So my question is this, why even consider marriage if you are currently happy in a relationship and aren't religious?

Marriage provides a more stable bond. No it's not a perfect situation, but there is no such thing as perfection. However, with marriage, two people are saying that they care enough to merger their lives officially, and legally.

With shack-ups, there is no commitment. Either party is free to stay, or to go, or to sleep around with others. Neither party has any official or legal obligations to maintain an exclusive pair bond, so they can both do whatever they want whenever they want. In other words, if you find out that your boy/girl friend has also been sleeping with others at the same time they are sleeping with you, so what? The two of you aren't married, so anything goes. You have no right to complain because you have no official, legal status as a pair.

With a marriage contract, both parties are making a public, official, and legal declaration that they are going to at least try to be exclusively a pair, for the purposes of a stable love relationship, for taking care of each other through thick and thin, and for having, raising, and caring for kids.

With shack-ups there is no obligation to care for each other or any kids brought into such an unstable situation.

People shouldn't bring kids into an unstable, shack-up situation. Kids don't do well in such situations. If they won't marry, but also won't keep their hands of each other, they both should get their tubes tied.

That's just it... a formal contract in which you each state what you expect of each other and for how long. (It's supposed to be for life, isn't it?!)

Without a format contract, you're just two people doing "whatever" until one or both of you are bored and move on or something. What's wrong with making the formal declaration, "I'm going to stick with you through thick and thin." Of course, many people say it and don't mean it - contract or not.

I wish divorce was heavily penalized like a breach of contract would be! Hee hee... even state said punishments IN the contract!

Depends if you value it. Religion aside, some people have family expectations or want public displays. Ive known divorced people who said they felt like they were supposed to get married. Some people value tradition. And some people with kids think it's helpful for kids not to have arrangments that differ from their friends parents.

I don't value any of that. To me a marriage is like watching fish in an aquarium. It's another world. I have no connection to it and have never thought about it. My current relationship has outlasted many marriages of people we know. And there is usually cheating or infatuation or serial adultery or something like that behind the divorce. Everyone takes their chances regardless of the magic they invoke.

my thoughts at the moment

is that in a way marriage is a collection of benefits the state bribes you with to be in a heteronormative monogamous partnership
it's promotes adherence to a societal norm
this is why the legality of gay and poly marriages are so controversial, if the point of marriage was only to cement partner bonds this wouldn't be the case

it's certainly no guarantee of monogamy, it's not the only path to a lifelong partnership
you can make a commitment, even a public one, without getting the state involved (in fact in many states if you are not straight this is your only option)

the only benefits that are exclusive to marriage are the legal ones, and the fact that those benefits are limited to heterosexual, monogamous couples in long term relationships is coercive in a way that I find to be a little gross

Well, I've never been married, but previous posters have explained my thoughts about marriage better than I ever could. I would add that marriage helps people stay together through difficult times. For example I had a teacher who said she and her husband went through a difficult time and the only reason they stayed together was because they were married. They had a happy marriage, it's just that they had one really rough patch.

Well there's a lot of reasons I guess. They could be different for each couple.

I will say what my NT friend told me, who does not seem to be religious, they don't seem to know much about religion, although *they want to believe*, but in order to logically believe you must first know, so anyways... In their opinion, marriage is a sacred bond. To sign those papers, makes the relationship most romantic and serious, in the sense that, they make an agreement that neither of them can just walk away if things go down south. They must work on the relationship as hard as they can, because they are in love, and signed the contract.

One or both of them basically submit, by making their earnings, and possessions not just their own, but each of theirs. This is considered romantic as well, because it gives off the idea of "Whatever I own is yours", and I notice a lot of women seem to love when a man does this, and I am sure men enjoy when women do it too. Many of them want to be worshipped, to know that their man/woman will do pretty much anything for them. So turning over things, is one of the ideas that supports their perception of being a goddess/god to their significant other. From what I am told, it's romantic because it's basically like saying "none of that stuff matters, we're in love". I also am told, that if you are not married at a certain age, like your thirties, or older, by many you will be considered as weird or a loser. So there is a social status that is sought after by some as well, I guess to fit in with a certain crowd and be able to say to friends and coleagues "We're married, I'm good enough for him/her, and vice versa." Of coarse there is definitely more to this "marriage thing" but I think a lot may be somewhat common knowledge. Such as hospital visits and what not. I haven't gone too deep in the topic of marriage with my NT friend, so I am just saying some things I know about some people, not all.

I really like what Doug Stanhope, a famous standup says about marriage.VVV

"Marriage should not be a legal institution. The government should have no place in your love life. If you want to get married, it should be like joining a fraternity, where when you wanna get married you go to your church or chucky cheese, and they do a crazy raindance around you in some incantation and pafoof you're a married person" and "If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go baby this *** we got together, it's so good we gotta get the government on this ***, we can't just share this commitment tweenst us. We need judges and laywers involved in this ***, it's hot! but someone invented it but now you gotta do it or you're an as*hole."

Well, it would be to show love towards one another. And to also show that you only want to be with that person, and forever

That's the problem I have though. That people need to be legally bound to each other to prove to themselves, and all in attendance that their relationship is legit and they are in it for the long run. Why should you have to prove this in such a way? Couples can easily be as committed to each other as a happily married one. Plus, even if you are married you can easily walk away at anytime, if you so choose. Nowadays it just seems to be a matter of saying "I've had enough, I'm leaving" Then getting the divorce papers wrote up and going through that process. More awkward yes, but can be done at anytime. To me, people commit out of fear, insecurity, or for social validation.



I agree with everything you mentioned. When it comes to society this is very much true, from a young age we are taught that when a straight couple are happy and in love marriage is the natural next step. Religious or not, religion itself still has a big role to play in marriage by most areas not letting these gay people commit, even outside of a church. I guess that's to do with the link with religion and state, something I am strongly against. I think when it comes to commitment, marriage is seen as a quick fix so that both feel inclined not to leave. I feel that people with these kind of doubts that the other will leave aren't in a healthy position to commit to marriage, this would tell me they have underlining problems that need addressed.

Many people run by the means of tradition, what their mom and dad did, what so many others around them are doing, how they were raised up, or even from watching movies and T.V. shows. If you watch popular T.V. and movies marriage is one very common theme in so many of them... It is true nobody needs marriage, true love came way before it, but many people believe marriage is for the best now for a lot of reasons. Also true, that one can just get sick of another, and decide to end it, but many do not believe in that, and they don't expect for something like it to happen. I too believe that many people pursue marriage because they are insecure and seek social validation, and it is true for many out there. To me it seems dysfunctional, like something a person should get therapy for, if they are so insecure... But what do I know. I hope I'm not angering anyone out there reading this... Another little thing I've observed and heard of happening a lot is how one person in the relationship wants a marriage, while the other one is very happy without it, but the other decides to marry because that will make their partner happy.

To have babies without the worries of child support and alimony!!

I think marriage is stupid. There isn't anything obligatory about marriage because you can get divorce whenever you want. You can cheat whenever you want and you don't go to jail. You can live in a different house and still be married. I don't see the point. I don't see what the point of marriage would be unless you make yourself legally obligated to stay sexually monogamous with one person for ever and divorce was illegal, otherwise it's just a lot of hassle over something that doesn't make any difference.

I met a girl that I like a lot who says that she wants to get married (she was talking in general, we don't have any current plans but maybe we will in the future), and I wouldn't mind doing this because I know she is a loyal and trustworthy person who is not going to make things difficult for me. I would view marriage with her as just another thing I would do because she wanted to do it and it didn't hurt me.

And I think if you get married so that it looks more socially legitimate then you're weak and I wouldn't marry you.

Legitimacy in the eyes of family, law, etc.

But, also, to be seen as a family member by the family of the person you marry. I consider the wife of my uncle my aunt, but, before they were engaged, I just considered her my uncle's girlfriend and a really cool person. (Literal childhood me called her my "almost-aunt" before they were engaged.)

Also, people like parties. Weddings are parties.

yeah, true. i think a wedding can be a way of bringing people together to celebrate the joining of 2 families. because you don't just marry an individual, you marry their whole fam damily. same goes for any LTR, but a wedding can be a way of trying to get your family to accept the person you are in love with.

it's a way to get gifts too - many couples (especially in past days when they married younger) sometimes didn't have much stuff to get set up with. so a wedding helped with that.

for marriage itself, there are many complicated reasons for it, and one person's reasons may not make logical sense to another person.

When you marry your partner becomes your family member; very important and helpful for some of us. People that agree to be faithful, monogamous married or not should STAY that way no exscuse want someone else leave/be single.

It is easier to split things up in a divorce versus shacking up... Only scare would be alimony and that is becoming less and less common.

For me I want that level of commitment and I want that legal tie aka my partner to by my husband/family member in the eyes of the world.