All my life I've tried to supplement my hard work in my magic tricks, college, vocarious reading of much literature, fictional and non, reading encylopedias,trying to fill some void, instead of love with relationships, I never had or have. I've managed some success in my magic, and losing 101 lbs, but somehow it always boiled down to some need not being met, like horneys list of neurotic needs, or maslows hierarchy of self esteem. Mostly from what I understand a deep, profound deep feeling of deprived love from my past friends, family, and lack of human contact. I was addicted very, very bad to an online computer game from age 12 to 23, never leaving my room. Parents called me the mole in the hole. So I never socialized, when I did I was heavily bulled, punched and teased at school. I somehow thought a lot of success in something, perhaps even fame, (love from strangers) would make me happy. Nothing did. No comment , however lavish made me feel better. I thought foolishly my life would be happier once I wasn't obese. I fell into a trap, again. Now things are getting worse... Keep in mind I'm 24 and never been in a relationship, date, nothing. Nothing intimate emotionally or physically. Had clinical depression my entire life, mainly,along with aspergers. Never had any friends outside of early childhood. The ones I had weren't friends or very negative influences. I recently met this girl my age and we talked a little bit here and there for a few weeks. When we did speak outside of class it was profound. I never met anyone that I could I relate to that much, in every aspect of my life. We both went to the same college. After almost finishing my challenging short semester in English rhetoric, I collapsed mentally under the extremely heavy, condensed workload. I was impressed she was taking 3 summer classes, I only managed one. I did very well, improved drastically in a short period of time my professor said, I studied 9 hours or more a day non stop. I had no other classes. I tend to focus on things too intensely at times. Anyway, I was surprised when she said we could hang out sometime. She was beautiful, and women have always rejected me my entire life. But it wasn't a date, just friends. Which is ok.we discussed before and was astonished by her intelligence, we both read philosophy and psychology vicariously. I read all subjects about everything, extremely curious and open to new things, ESP. Trying different crusines from the world. Later that day we talked almost 4 hours straight. She said she looked forward to seeing me again and I did too for her. My face turned to stone when I heard she has a boyfriend. We talked about very deep, personal issues in our lives together, mutually. I suddenly had mixed feelings. After I talked to her I went home, happy we spoke, but my depression got much worse. I felt a strange depression swept over me, but it was different this time. The pain was much worse. I don't know how to explain it. I never met and connected on anyone on that level before, it was obvious she was deeply understanding and caring. Worse, I had feelings for her. I cried the whole night, and the next, never understanding why love never works out for me. We read Voltaire, flowers for algernons, and hard times by Charles dickens on a chapter called sissys progress. I let her borrow my hard times novel and she brought an assortment of philosophy books she read for fun, like me. A friend told me it was emotional intimacy or something. I picked out a collection of stories book by franz Kafka. His literature I never heard of and deeply affected me. Ironically, he also suppedly had depression. All the stories were very touching, especially the judgement. I could relate the same with my father. Any advice? Sorry for rambling so long. Typing on an iPad is agonizingly slow..
17 Aug 2012, 12:41 am
