Telling things straight

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Greetings.

So, I'm in a relationship for around a year, and we live together since the second month. Because of her I've started suspecting I have Asperger, and it made a lot of sense. As today I have no doubt I'm an Aspie, but I'm still looking after a professional diagnosis.

Sometimes, I'm stuck in quite complicated situations with her, and don't know what to do. For example, she's pretty quick to make commitments, and do it in a very casual way. Sometimes she's on the computer, we talk about something for five minutes, we disagree in some point and she proposes a deal. For me it sounds superficial, like a "let's talk about it in details later", since she's quite busy with something else. Well, days later I discover we had a agreement, even if we doesn't go into it in details, and act like I'm breaking the deal - that I knew would exist after we discuss it in details, but had no idea it was already running.

Here's the problem: how to tell her that in a quick way, before she gets pissed because I'm breaking the deal/didn't paid enough attention? I now what to do here as a preemptive measure, pause the initial conversation where the deal is being made and state that I need to talk deeper into the issue before I make a commitment, but this is not my question. What I want to know is, facing a problem that's quite complicated, it's better to take the risk and try to put it into words, or just tell there's a failure in communication and we have to discuss it in details? Because sometimes the "failure in communication" solution sounds like I disagree with the terms we've talked about, but actually I just want to get deeper on it to know all the implications such a deal will have on my life, make small adjustments if possible and plan my life ahead. For the programmers around here: what I want to do is to rip off the front-end of our relationship, and show her our back-end code, even in emotionally-heavy situations.

Extra info: she has Avoidant Personality Disorder, recent discovery and still undiagnosed, as my Asperger. Sometimes she acts like I'm trying to take advantage of her or of our other partner, and other paranoid-like stuff. Surprise information! We're on an poly relationship, the three of us live together, but it isn't relevant for this matter in particular. Also, I've always struggled in my whole life to keep at least one or two healthy social relationships (almost always looking for love relationships), so I've a lot of "automatic triggers" that inhibits some of my Aspie traits. Very useful for superficial relationships, but a pain in the ass for the deep ones, this is the main reason I'm reprogramming my life.

The key solution I'd suggest is something you already mentioned in this part of your post. She seems to be pushing away the details as if she doesn't want to deal with them, but from what's happening, she's assuming you'll just know what to do and what not to do from the little information you've gathered from that setting up of the agreement. My experience says that's it's an Aspie thing, but I could be wrong. In other words, it doesn't matter how many times she wants to push those details away, it seems you need those details explained to you upfront before agreeing to anything. You need to keep pushing for those details, and make sure she knows that the details are the only way you'll be able to agree to anything. If she can't promise you that, then you're not going anywhere.

I agree with AScomposer. You need to tell your friend that you are not a mind reader, so she has no business assuming that any agreement has taken place based on details that were never hammered out. You need to tell her that before any agreement can be official both of you need to fully hammer out the details. You also need to tell her, that since this is a big problem for her, from now on no agreement will be in force that has not first been put in writing and signed by BOTH of you. That way you will BOTH know for sure that an agreement exists, and of what it consists. You also need to find a place to post these agreements, perhaps on the fridge, or the home office or in a 3 ring binder. And in the future, anytime she gets bent out of shape over an imaginary agreement, you can ask her to show you the signed agreement and tell her, if she can't produce it, then she has no right to throw a hissy fit.

On the down side, be prepared for Miss Believes You Can Read Her Mind to get ticked off by the new rules. But hey, life ain't perfect.

@AScomposer13413
Yes, like I said, what I've got to do is to identify when this is happening and tell her, to be happy about the agreement, we should detail it as much as we can right off, or, if not possible at the moment, let her know that we should discuss it later.

@questor
The written agreement is a pretty sweet idea, we've discussed about that, but I only want it if I'll be sure that there's no negative overtone on its existence. I want it as a reminder and as a insurance that we looked over, together, at all the possibilities - not to get agressive at her. As I said, the deals aren't made over, they're real, but as a Aspie I can't perceive all its implications without further discussions, exactly as @AScomposer13413 said. I know how this situation can piss us off, if we look only by our perspective, but live with NT was a choice of mine, so I have to struggle to understand them, and learn how to deal with the huge differences in our wiring. I've been studying NT people since my birth, I'm actually incapable of losing my cool, I try to never get aggressive on people by looking at the situation on a selfish perspective.

But you missed one point! What I really want to know is if it is a good idea to get out of the Aspie closet and express my needs and matters as they are, even if it bores or can be misunderstood by the other part. The other alternative is to keep polishing my decisions over what can or cannot go well - which I don't wanna do with them, since I know I have a opening here to be completely honest, room that nobody ever gave me. Do you believe it's possibile, or I should get over it and keep mastering my Dealing with Neurotypical Skills?

I would go as far as to not even allow her any wiggle room with time to discuss it because it's inbetween that time you wind up breaking a rule that was (supposedly) unwritten. I would be firm with her from the beginning and say that if she's going to propose an agreement but hold off on the details, then no agreement can be made until there's a time when she can discuss the details. Full stop.



While I heavily admire you're ability to keep level-headed in a scenario like this, the bold part has me worried. It's one thing that you want to discover what makes one another tick, but everything you do to try to keep the positivity levels high are gonna be moot point if she isn't willing to at least meet you half way.




I would wait it out and see how the first suggestion (telling her about discussing the details) plays out. If it works out, you can avoid disclosure. If not, you may have to disclose and it may be brushed off for the reasons you listed. Keep us in the know about it!!