Dating dilemma

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Here's the scenario:-

I am due to meet someone from a dating site on Friday, to see a film. He has sent me a text message saying he can't wait to meet me 'to kiss and cuddle you while we watch a film xxxx'

Now I'm all for a person being keen but we've only seen photos of each other and chatted on MSN and in my opinion a photo does not give a proper indication of a) how a person really looks and b) whether there will be any chemistry between you, so this kind of over the top message fills me with horror and I do not like to reciprocate as what if we don't like each other? - it would be highly embarrassing.

I've noticed that NTs/a lot of men don't seem to think like this though - they assume all will go well and that what they think of the person in a photo/from chatting on MSN is all they need to know to make a decision! This is very foolhardy in my opinion as if I don't fancy the person I won't want to kiss and cuddle them and I wouldn't expect them to do the same if they didn't fancy me. It would serve them right if I insisted on them doing it whatever they thought though! (I'd never do that though)

So I've replied 'Please can we wait and see how we get on first x' and it looks like it's gone down like a lead balloon as no reply.

Yet I've already said several times to this man that I prefer to see how we get on before making any demonstrations of affection. He's either forgotten this or is just stupid in my opinion.

Should I have just gone along with what he said and replied in the same spirit to humour him or am I right to stick to my guns? Surely it's wrong to give a person false hope if you end up not fancying them or vice versa? I feel it's putting unnecessary pressure on me to be exactly what he thinks I am/should be when I might not be. The whole world does this to me all the time and I resent having it done by someone I've agreed to meet in a spirit of what I would class as initially just friendship.

I am not confident about myself and having received a lot of negative comment on how I look (as well as some positive but less so), no way on this earth am I going to ever just assume I'm going to automatically have chemistry with anyone just because they've seen 3 photos of me;
I need concrete face to face proof of it before I make any decisions or declarations of affection.

How do other people deal with situations like this?

I would have reacted the way you did. I think it's important to assert your personal boundaries early on, that way you've told the other person what they can't overstep, and you can't be accused of leading them on.

Well for me personally I think it depends on how long you've been talking.
I think if you've only been talking a couple times it was a bit much.
However if you've been talking for a month or so most people would know if you were someone they would be looking forward to kissing.

Perhaps he thinks your just shy/not confident and is trying to make sure you know he's looking forward to it.

Something more along the lines of
"I prefer waiting until the 2nd/3rd/whatever date to kiss."
may have went better.
What you said does make it seem like you might not be looking forward to the date very much.

There could also be a misunderstanding in your differing expectations for the date.
Where as your seeing it as a movie between friends, he's seeing it as a potential love interest.

When it comes to online dating its usually best to have a short meeting for the first time(coffee seems to be most people´s choice) and then if things are going well you can try to keep the event longer/settle a next date.

I think that going into a film with a stranger is a bit too much(Ive done it but there were some friends in common around...).

For example last week I ended up having dinner/showing the city to a stranger.
If she had asked straight out if Id do that the answer would have been no. However we met at a conversational club just having coffee and getting to know each other and she mentioned that she was new to the city so I asked if she wanted some sort of guiding because we seemed to be getting along rather well, we ended up talking until early in the morning(asked other group members to join us none of them seemed interested on doing so).

Yes those were my thoughts too; I like my own behaviour to be irreproachable in case the other person tries to cast me in the role of the 'villain' at some point if things don't go as they want.
I get fed up if having to mitigate for the other person's possible behaviour as well as my own, but it has to be done as in my experience not many people take proper responsibility for their own behaviour, they just go with how they feel at the time, whatever the potential outcome. I have a system in place to try and predict and counteract bad outcomes, though of course you can't cater for all eventualities when dealing with human beings as they are the epitome of illogical and unpredictable!

I take your point about my reply being a bit blunt and lacking encouragement. I do see the person as a potential love interest for the fact we have come in contact via a dating site but for the purposes of a first meeting I don't see how you can act anything other than just 'friendly' at first as if you act all lovey dovey and he other person doesn't fancy you you will end up looking a complete idiot and if you don't fancy them but you have already started acting affectionate by text, you will be having to extricate yourself from a situation where they might say you led them on or having to fake it to keep them happy.

I would prefer it all to be done by questionnaire at the end of the first meeting/date. It would have questions like, 'Do I fancy you?' Yes/No and then possibly the percentage of attraction. Then a list of all the activities you either could or couldn't see yourself wanting to do with the person either immediately or at some point in the future eg sex/going out for a meal/to the cinema/on holiday/meeting their parents. Then you swap forms and go from there. A far more honest way of doing it that would stop people wasting time on people who aren't really interested but don't want to upset the other person. You'd know exactly what the other person was offering and vice versa.

i knew someone for 4 years and we talked for literally thousands of hours... We still didn't make any plans though...

As far as we were concerned, nothing could be sorted properly until we met, we both knew that and we didn't even talk about a relationship of any kind until the meetup happened. We didn't even talk about not talking about it tbh, it's just obvious really, it's a question of taking things in stages and even talking about kissing is jumping too far ahead.

So yeah, that's a little much. Even as a guy, a girl who said that would be too much... No matter how much i liked her I'd feel trapped.

I don't like meeting people in public venues surrounded by other people though - my anxiety goes through the roof as I'm always hyper-aware of all the other people around me and can't block them out to just focus on the person I'm meeting so they won't get my full attention. Therefore I won't make an ideal impression as I will come across as distracted and not concentrating on them enough as I'll be more focused on what everyone around me is doing as it makes me nervous being among people; I can't fully relax. So I won't be at my best and I won't enjoy it so what's the point? My house is therefore the best place to meet as I'm on my home territory and while I'll still be very nervous I'll be nowhere near as nervous as if I had to meet in a cafe. How anyone can relax and focus in any public place is beyond me as there's far too much stimulation from the noise, sight and behaviour of all the other people around you and the sheer unpredictability of how they might act.

Yes, it's an expectation therefore pressure. You can't possibly know if you'd want to kiss someone or even stay in the same room as them until you've met and been able to form an accurate impression of how they look, and act towards you. My therapist said that by inviting this person to my house I was possibly giving him the impression that more might be on offer but when taken in the context of my Asperger's/anxiety in public places it doesn't and he should respect that. I live with a male friend who will be in the house too so I don't see it as unsafe to invite him over either.

Telling you that he wants "to kiss and cuddle you" before you've met face to face is a big, big red flag. I would cancel the date.

If he doesn't respond when you ask to "wait and see how we get on" then there's a good chance that he is more interested in casual sex than in a real relationship.

He replied eventually, saying 'Yes course sorry'

Then went on to say he had something to tell me - 'I'm a big guy'
which I didn't know what to make of! lol so I asked 'do you mean your weight?' No reply as yet
lol

I'm certainly not unaware of the male tendency to often just be after a quick shag but he himself
has said he has a '3-date rule' ie no sex until at least 3 dates, which coming from a man, quite impressed me!

Being unable to meet at a public place is likelier to cause some trouble.
I have met plenty of people from the internet and none of them were mentally unstable or anything but you never know how will the other person be and how will they behave during the meeting.
This is why its often best to keep first meetings to public places since you can determine if you can be with this person by yourself or not.

If he is aware that you dont want to meet in a public place he may have gotten the wrong idea from this fact (I think it could explain why his message seems so forward)

The only way i'd think his comments were okay were if you'd be flirting heavily already, and you were both really into it.
For a straightforward first date it seems designed to send anyone running.

He does seem a bit odd, but maybe just seriously bad at this stuff?
If you cant get an explanation you are comfortable with before the date I'd cancel it.

You're right, you can't always be sure, but you can actually make an educated guess. I think the point i was trying to make was more that you can't plan ahead with some things even if you're 99% sure it will work out. I think it's more to do with the feeling it creates, the pressure you mentioned, it just isn't the way you do things.

Saying that, it doesn't mean things won't work out... He only jumped ahead a little bit, if you can get past that uncomfortable bit you might actually get something out of it.

He's now told me he's 21 stone so I'm in even more of a dilemma now.

Man, that would be awesome.

But in all seriousness if you already have doubts about the guy, wouldn't this cloud your judgement? Perhaps the pessimist in me, but if you feel this way now, how will it change later on to be better?