UGH ! please help me with advice !

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Hi every one. I hope you are all as well and happy as is possible.

I'm in a bit of a jam right now because I'm so confused

Around four years ago I met a woman who breeds cats. We became friends (she was married at the time) and our friendship continued. I will admit that I went through periods of being attracted to her. She is a beautiful woman and very pretty. However, I knew that there was no chance for me, or at least that's what I thought until recently.

As time went on this woman and I began to talk more and more. As we did it became clear to me that she was clearly not an NT. She has a chequered past and has done some things she is not proud of. However, I accept her for who and what she is and her past isn't a problem to me. I've not led the perfect life and I have done many things that I regret.

What I did not know at first was that this woman struggled her entire life with alcohol addiction. It was so bad that a couple of months ago she suffered a stroke (though it's about as minor as such a thing could be thankfully). She does not seem to have suffered any long term damage (though they are still performing tests).

Any way, that isn't what is important nor is it a problem to me.

About a month ago we started exchanging emails as usual only this time it was different. This time she had been single for seven months and this time I thought that I could open up to her more instead of guarding my feelings. It happened quite quickly and we began to fall in love. Note that this isn't an overnight thing. By this stage I knew about her whole life and we have known each other for closing in on four years. I'm absolutely certain that it isn't, and wasn't, infatuation.

Around a week ago I realised that I did love her and so I told her. She told me that she loved me also. And then I fell apart.

For a few hours I just felt incredibly nervous and began to sweat profusely. I was also taking an antibiotic that I really should not have been taking and it led to me becoming very unstable and I broke down and told her that I couldn't do it.

Three days went by and I just sat in my pyjamas staring at the television, shutting down completely. Today I have began to feel better and think I probably made the biggest mistake of my life

She has emailed me telling me that she respects me and will not make me do anything that I can't handle, and if that includes her that she will leave me alone and walk out of my life.

But that isn't what I want

I want to be with her but the situation is kind of confused right now because....


She lives in a house that belonged to her and her ex husband. She has not seen him for over a year and he has been working in Germany and paying the mortgage. However, I feel that the house is connected to their previous life and I can't go there and stay there as it will bring back all of the meetings we had with her and her ex husband. Not only that but I don't know the area she lives in and this scares me terribly. I need to be safe in my surroundings and familiar with them to be able to react to them. If the surroundings are negative I feel that we wouldn't stand a chance.

She has told me that no one has meant this much to her since her first husband died ten years ago. She said that she felt lost right up until we became close. I can believe this as I do love her and care for her deeply but to be quite frank I'm absolutely scared s**tless

We got in quite fast and quite deep. It was then that I realised that we could not rush into it because of her current situation and I began to break down and have panic attacks and be physically sick

I'm worried now that I am truly broken and can never be around some one and love some one properly. I feel like my emotions are wired up completely wrong because I should feel happy and not sick and scared.

I do love her, I know that much. I feel the same love for her that I felt for my ex wife. That's the bloody problem It makes me sick with worry and very unstable to be in love

Does any one have any suggestions? I have emailed this woman and told her that I need things to slow down but I just have absolutely no idea of where to go next without invoking the emotions and fear again

I think you need to tell her the truth. Tell her that you panicked because of the strong emotions and fear of getting in over your head. Tell her you do want to be with her, but you just need to go slower, and that you want to see her and talk things over, but that you want to wait a week or so before you talk things over so you can get yourself calmed down. Tell her how you feel about the house and all too. Remember, you don't have to move in right away or anything, that can be down the road a ways and ya'll have plenty of time to figure out something.

Main thing to do right now is to tell her you didn't mean it when you said you couldn't do it, you were just scared. That will get everybody calmed down and feeling better I think.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Perhaps the issue is, you see the potential for a future for her, and that scares you because people with AS generally have a difficult time with major life changes as they require acclimating to new situations.

Consider that much of what you have with this woman is based in a well formed friendship, and there's no reason to completely change the dynamics of your relationship with her simply because you have feelings for each other. The more successful relationships in life are successful because they have maintained the elements which forged them in the first place.

I would not perceive this change as a sudden shift but an extension of your old relationship with her in which many of the positive dynamics are maintained. Familiarize yourself with her area and start spending more time with her, and be happy, that is all.

If I were you, I would tell her you were just overwhelmed and didn't know how to react but you can think a little more clearly now.

I did reply to her earlier saying that I felt overloaded. I literally went into a complete meltdown and was terrified of her

The past four years have been me rebuilding a life that fell apart in another country. I married an American and made the choice to live over there even though I knew it was going to be practically impossible. Everything that could go wrong went wrong because I wasn't diagnosed with any mental illness at all until I was 26 and I only really did it to keep my marriage going (see a psychiatrist).

Since then I have looked in the mirror of life. I guess that any one who is mentally ill gets that chance to take a look at themselves and realise they are different. My first diagnosis was acute depression and then bipolar disorder. I have only been diagnosed as Aspie for around six months when I did not respond to any medications for my mood swings. They finally realised I was having Aspie mood swings and thus medicating me for bipolar disorder (by controlling electric signals in my brain) just wasn't going to work.

I do take medication now and whilst it could be classified as a mood stabiliser it is more of an anti psychotic to help with my sleeping and anger issues. When I get scared I can become angry and lash out. That has all stopped and I have been really getting somewhere. After spending three and a half years sitting in one room I actually started to venture out into my surroundings.

I guess in a moment I thought I was completely well and could handle anything this relationship would throw at me. I was wrong. I went too fast and ended up melting down completely.

I have exchanged a few emails with the lovely lady in question and she has basically said that she hasn't felt so desolate (when I melted down and told her it was over) since her first husband died suddenly. She said that no one has ever touched her in the way I have (mentally, not physically) and that she now knew what real love was.

I mean I am a very deep person and I look beyond the human body for love. I simply see that as a vessel that carries the real beauty. I do love her, I know I do or else I wouldn't feel like this.

I was supposed to be getting Cognitive behavioural therapy some time ago but I guess that with the recession and cuts to mental health services they just keep putting it off. The last time I saw my psychiatrist was a month ago and he was so pleased with my progress that he didn't want to see me again until the 3rd of September. Thing is I really need him right now as I want to understand how to control my emotions and fear and be able to fall in love

Thankfully this woman is very understanding even though she is going through hell right now with the sudden stop to the phone calls and so on. She has said that she wants to move on with her life and I have just said that it needs to be a new beginning.

She lives in a part of the world that I have frequented many times. It's where I used to go on holiday as a child (well, 18 miles away from the exact spot) but I just need the chapter of her life she is in right now closed before we can think about starting a new one.

I guess that's it for me. I just need her past out of the way (not forgotten by any means but not where it bites me on the ass every day) and then I can feel safe in going forward.

You guys have hit the nail on the head tbh. I don't like change and I am fearful of it. I am finally at one with myself and my surroundings and all of a sudden I have to deal with the emotions of love AND thinking about changing everything. It's been utterly terrifying

Thank you for your words they mean a lot to me. I will keep you all updated as I go as I feel it will truly help me if I can relay my fears here instead of passing them all onto the woman I care so much about.

Much love

xxx

OK we decided to slow things down a bit and I am coping

I did have another panic attack a couple of days ago but I got through it.

I have scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist for next week so that we can sit down and talk about it. I didn't think he would see it as very important but he does and he really wants to help me. What a great guy

Another update !

We have spent many hours talking and are beginning to understand each other. I did say something tonight that came out wrong and upset her a little but we managed to talk it through and sorted it out

I am still nervous but I seem to be controlling my nerves. It has made my IBS flare up but I have medication for that. I never went into this thinking it would be easy.

What you need is a coping strategy and/or a logical process of how you can cope.
Change can be scary, but it can also be good for the mind and soul.
It looks like things are progressing at a steady pace. The reason why you were becoming sick was because of two points... 1. It was intense for you because it was happening so fast. 2. You tensed up your body.

At least you two are on an understanding basis. The way I see it, even though she seems to like you, I think she would like to see you in control of the situation. The reason why she can't see you as more than a friend though is because you haven't been showing that you can be in control. Remember that this is your life, and from what it sounds like you're letting her swallow you whole. If you continue to do this, she will resent you for that and you will continue to feel like crap. Move away from her and focus on all the things life has to offer. Show that you are in control of your emotions and she will feel more attracted to you.

She's not worried that I lose control. She seems to be very strong. She does have her down time, that's why we are together because we understand one another so well.

We are due to meet up soon (within a week) and she will be staying with me for a few days. I suffer from terrible separation anxiety so I am going to go and stay with her afterwards. She is absolutely fine with that as it would be heart wrenching to have one another to hold and then have that ripped away.

My nerves have been quite bad today thinking about it (my brain is giving me a million scenarios where I mess it all up) but I am coping now. I really do love her with everything I have, she truly touches my heart.

She was quite worried that I would be uncaring but I am actually rather clingy around those I love. Normally that becomes a problem but she actually finds it very touching that I could live a life where all I care about is her. I think it's the way that I love that drew her to me. Well, that and fate as we could have done this many times before but it probably wouldn't have worked.

She refers to NTs as "earthlings" and has a very strong aspie score when taking tests. We both know that she isn't what you would construe as "normal". She is quite possessive and does take control of situations. I like that, I find it comforting knowing she is protecting me and looking after me and I do feel very much loved.

I'd also like you all to know how much I truly appreciate your help and advice. TBH I don't think I would have stood a chance without it.

Love you all

xxxxx