I had been in a serious relationship (or at least deeply emotionally invested) for the past 4 months now. And this past week I broke it off. I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt so much negativity from him.
It started with little things here and there. Comments. Sarcasm. Excuses. I just figured 'He's a little cynical'. Then there came punishments, withholding information, insults... and it only escalated. It got worse when I went back to school this Fall. Everything was a head game. Everything was a 'serious talk'. Everything would leave me broken, in tears, and I couldn't figure out why.
I started to go to counseling for it, which luckily is offered as a free service by my university, and after only sharing a few instances with my counselor, he said to me "He's showing signs of an abuser." He told me that not all abuse is physical or sexual. I told him that he's never once hit me or shoved me or anything! But he had asked me if he's ever done any physical contact that I was uncomfortable with... and I said yes. I explained that he would grab my hands (whenever I said something disagreeable) and would pop all the knuckles, even though I was begging him to stop, that it hurts. He would also tickle me incessantly, until the final time when I not only began to involuntarily cry, but I suddenly went into convulsions, which truly scared me. But now that I type this, I think the parts that scared me the most were perhaps not the pain, but what he would tell me as he did them... "You can't escape" "Stop being such a p!#@$ about it" among other things. Luckily, I firmly told him that he needs to stop doing that. So he never tickled me since or popped my hands. But... that was the easy part. The physical aspects were something I could explain to him, because it was something he could readily see and control.
The mental/psychological and emotional aspects, however, had been a completely different experience. A nightmare. My counselor tells me now, in retrospect, that what he was doing was called Projection. And it's a self-defense mechanism. All of the insults, the impatience, the caustic remarks. One of the absolute biggest issues between us was honesty/trust. It became near daily where I would be constantly accused of lying. This ranged from going home to have dinner with my family (per my family's request) and letting him know, to which he was convinced that I was lying about the dinner and just wanted to get away from him, to much bigger issues like when I let myself open to him and said that I loved him, only for him to interrogate me so much that I took it back, because it didn't fit his definition of love. That took a month or so to get through alone, and when I finally started saying that I loved him again, he downright told me to my face that I didn't. I didn't love him or care about him. That I'm lying.
The last fight we had was a week ago, over the phone, where he was so angry with me for disagreeing with him, he asked me "Do you like being a dramatic whore?" to which... I couldn't answer. Logically, that question is a loaded gun, for whichever way I answer, I am wrong. His questions were peppered with tactics like that. That was not the worst thing he has said to me, just the most recent. I was cut to the bone. I tried reconciling but ended up having a break down. He came to my house and I was hysterical. After talking, I went with him to stay the night at a friend's house, hoping that things would be fixed. But it was the last straw. I woke up the next morning to go to work, hugged him goodbye... and that's when I began to feel nothing. I've never had the sensation of literally being empty, as if my organs and bones and all my innards were vacuumed out of me. I wrote him a 6-page letter of my feelings and thoughts of everything. His response was "I don't know what to say to that." He didn't have any words, whether of anger, or of remorse. So I broke up with him the next morning.
He's trying to get back with me... and the tug he has on my heart is still there. As of right now, since I'm away, it's not as strong. I haven't seen him in person for a week now. I think if I did, I would give in. He's now feeling helpless, crying out to me... pleading and begging me. It's just as I did all those times with him, as if we've switched roles. He's finally feeling the pain of rejection, and knowing that, I'm aware that he needs to feel that. He has to be hit hard with those feelings, to know that he can't mess around with deep feelings like love, trust, guilt and anger.
I wrote all this to say... that I don't know what to do. His first reaction to me breaking up was to go and suddenly be interested in Asperger's Syndrome, which I have, and say that he was doing all the wrong things because of my diagnosis. He was saying that his actions were normal, but because I'm wired different, his normal actions were clashing with mine. Ultimately, I was the problem because of my AS. Of course, when I told him straight out that he was manipulating and abusing me, there was an audible change in his voice. And I don't know if it's real or not. Suddenly... dozens of 'I'm so sorry's came from him, along with "I had no idea it was this bad." "What can I do to fix it?"
So now I'm in this situation, where he is claiming to know what he's done, how much he's hurt me, and now he wants to fix things. And I don't know if I should give him one last chance... or not. He's saying that he wants to formulate a plan to fix things, like writing it down. He says we can go to counseling together to get help (I think he ultimately would have to go alone, but he wants me there), and to even write a letter of apology to my parents (because they absolutely don't want him around me now). Are his projected efforts genuine? How will I be able to tell? His behavior seems sincere, but... I doubt him because of such a lack of it before hand. He hardly felt that he had to apologize for anything, and that forgiveness was just giving permission to hurt someone again. And now that he's sorry for so many things, and begging for my forgiveness... I just don't know. What do I do?
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*insert clever and witty phrase here*
14 Nov 2011, 12:14 pm
). but now we worry even more about her as she has so much pride that she would never want to admit if/when her husband relapses into the abusive actions.
