Hiring someone to find dates for us.

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I think we all know how hard it is for us to get dates and the biggest reason is because of one thing, initiating. I think for us, just trying to find someone; going through the whole process of trying to find dates is the most difficult part because we either have no idea what women want from us or because we have no way of being able to read the emotions of women who may like us. I fear I'll be alone for a long period of time because I honestly will admit, just trying to talk to women to me feels like I'm tying to take a very difficult test about my weakest subject and than fail it miserably.

I think some of us feel online dating is easier for us because we don't have to talk face to face with a person but there are still a lot of challenges. One challenge is getting blown off by people who aren't interested and than take it personally or worse, at first find someone who does talk to us but then ignores us just like that with no explanation. Why do they blow us off? It's most likely because we don't have enough interesting things to say or we were too unskilled at an other wise difficult sport for us to play.

I sometimes think to myself, I wish I could hire someone to find dates for me. Now how would that work? We'll first, I'd have meet with a dating expert and give him all the information about myself. We'd create a completely honest profile. Real picture, real interests, and real goals that I have. I'd give this person my whole life story, give him a biography about myself if you will so he has all the information about me that he could work with. Finally, I would hire this person to operate my online dating profile. I would email him my selections and than he would send messages to them. On the ones that do reply back, he would create the conversations and talk to the person as me. It's almost like having an editor edit a decent story with some promise but one that has a lot of poorly executed ideas.

He would of course email every conversion and every person he talks to so I could see how I would function as a very skilled conversationalist. Once I see where the conversations are going and go into the deeper stages, the biggest challenge will be meeting the person I'd have the biggest interest in. Of course all the decisions are mine. He won't set up any real dates until I approve them. Once I pick who I want it to be, he will set it up and I will study everything. The information about this person and how they reacted to my information re-written. I would study all the conversations between the NT version of myself and the person I'm meeting. Finally, once that date is set up, I am on my own. It would be like taking the test as a pass/fail. Once I meet this person and if the dates goes, everything beyond that is now in my own hands, I'm on my own. It's like once you get that degree, only you could choose how you'll us it. I would keep the person who got me out there, up to date on how things are going. If the date or relationship doesn't work out, I would than re-hire this person and see if he could find someone else for me.

I know this is a very crazy idea. Perhaps, insane but surprisingly I think it would work for someone like me and others with aspergers. It would be like having a tutor for a subject we have a very difficult time learning. It's like social skills are our learning disability and we need extra help with it. When I was in school, there were people with learning disability's so badly, they had help by the teacher's aids during some tests. Some may wonder, who would want to help us? We'll, if we pay this person for their services and they can get a lot of clients, they could have a successful freelance side business. If there was ever someone out there that would provide this type of service, I would indeed invest my money in it.

The one thing I learned about myself is how badly I am at talking to women but once I do talk to them, the hardest part is over. The only time this has happened to me is if a woman started a conversation with me. One conversation with a girl in my college class and she was my friend through the whole semester. If she never started that conversation that first day, we would have never talked at all. While I didn't get to date her because she was taken, I had a preview of what could be if I'm able to communicate with someone. This crazy idea of mine is simply me getting extensive tutoring for a very difficult subject I have a hard time learning. It's like a person with a learning difficulty in math trying to major in engineering. It would be extremely difficult, but not impossible. For anyone who actually read through this and understood my metaphors, would you be willing to hire someone to run your profile for you? Or better yet, is there something out there that is actually like this idea?

Who is "us"?


Here's an idea: if women are your target, <i>why not enlist the aid of a woman to help you</i>?

While you bring up many good points, and I certainly feel for you... This sort of thing seems underhanded and deceptive to the woman involved. It's almost as bad as putting some handsome bodybuilder for your picture and then, when they go to meet you, you're ugly and obese! (You like metaphors, so I'll leave the interpretation to you. Hint: Good looks = communication skills)

While it is certainly difficult to try and initiate a relationship with the opposite/same/other sex, (NTs have this problem, too) it is underhanded to have someone else do it for you.

Though, in my opinion, trying to talk to someone online is nothing like in-person, and especially for AS, should be avoided. It enforces the need to stay secretive and not do what we do in normal relationships. That is, bond on an emotional and physical level... Which requires communication skills, believe it or not...

Though, I have heard some people have been very successful with online-only encounters... I am of the strong opinion that, especially for people with difficulty communicating, you should avoid that situation. It only builds false security!

Why not just hire someone to help you gain the skills for you to do it yourself? It's not like you can memorize lines to tell a woman and then recall them whenever a woman comes around. There's going to be situations or topics that you didn't learn how to address specifically(there's simply far too many), and you'll be completely on your own. It's better to work on these things and then try them out yourself, rather than have someone try to bypass them for you.

I feel for you too, it's really tough. But if you want to achieve your goal the only way to do it is to do it the hard way.

Not necessarily, good looks will help you get a foot in the door but you still need to know how to respond to certain situations and develop a bond with someone.

Not going to happen. I don't need to be friend-zoned by a woman who I will probably fall for and not have a chance with. I can't tell you how frustrated I get when a women gives me the whole, I'll find someone speech and of course, they don't mean themselves. At least with a guy that won't happen and he'll have the experience of dating other women.

I understand what you are saying, but there is a problem. It wouldn't be the real you conversing with the woman and she would be immediately aware of this, when you met. Then what?

Maybe it would be better to practice talking to a woman and having her help you, so you know what to do/say with someone you really like. I'm NT and I've tried internet dating and some guys blew me off and some didn't and I did the same with different guys. It wasn't because they were uninteresting, in general, just that they were not a match for me.

Yawn. Cheaper to rent than to own.

I don't see it that way because I would use my real picture so she would know what she would getting and I'd us all my real information. It's not like my information would say I'm a lawyer. All my background information would be completely authentic. It's just re-written better. I understand how this could be deceptive but I see it as having a secretary for dating. This idea is just more of a way for me coping with dating and finding something that could possibly work for me. I know it would be a long shot but it is possible and I haven't heard this idea be done anywhere before.

You guys do know that matchmakers used to be very common and still are to some degree.

It requires only two things to be successful.

1.) Girls and guys willing to follow the match makers suggestions and keep an open mind.

2.) A person with the skill to see connections.

Sounds like you're having a really hard time - I'm sorry to hear it! Well, the idea in itself would be fine, except that from research I have discovered that the foundation of a relationship is being honest with the person - if you hire someone else to be the conversationalist, that's not being honest because that isn't who you really are.
On the other hand, I'm a girl and trust me, it's just as frustrating from the opposite side! I can understand why you would feel that way. I do think you can find matchmakers - there are quite a few online (where the service is tailored towards matching you with someone rather than simply allowing you to meet people) but research again has shown that the most popular way of having a match made is to make friends with a group of people and asking them to introduce you to people. I certainly couldn't do that - but if I were younger, I might consider it.

If good looks were communication skills, tere would be no need for an Asperger's diagnosis; one could simply diagnose people as either ugly or not.

You talk as if you think of every single woman you come across as a potential girlfriend. You won't even consider one to help you because you "might" fall for her? Of course she doesn't mean herself when she says she will help find someone for you! She wouldn't agree to help you if she was personally interested in you.

You seem to have a state of mind that I've noticed in a lot of guys: if there is no chance that some woman will go out with you, she doesn't exist in your world, or has no value to you. That is a terrible attitude to have if you ever want any sort of romantic or sexual involvement with women. You can't treat women as if they were incomprehensible aliens who are only good for sex or dating, because you have to interact with and understand them to some extent to ever have a chance at dating them at all. The attitude of "women are so mysterious, I need a translator to communicate with them" is not going to be attractive to women, and that will just make it harder for you. There's no reason to think that AS somehow makes it more difficult to understand women than men. You can make a difference just by changing your perspective.

Also, there are also women who have the experience of dating other women.

You're both missing the point. What KuRobot was saying is that just as trying to pass off someone else's photos as you is dishonest, trying to pass off someone else's communicative skills is just as dishonest.
In addition, just as looks are part of attraction, so are communicative skills. By using someone else's, you are pretending to be someone more attractive than you really are.
The "good looks=communicative skills" thing was an analogy, not meant to be taken literally.

No it's not. Who decides that partying every weekend, having many "friends" and so on is better than having a few friends and playing video games?



Natural selection has created men with communication skills inferior to women, so it probably wasn't part of the equation until very recently.

If MTV coolness is a prerequisite to get laid, men should be allowed to fake this temporarily.

It all seems very awkward and uncomfortable.