Breaking that you have AS to a new partner

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I've been struggling with this idea for a while now of how do you tell a new partner that you have AS and what it entails. I've known for a while that I had the symptoms of AS, though only recentrly discovered that it was AS, and though I am still single, this has been bugging me. How do you tell some one who is NT about (at least for me) your problems with reading body language, or interpersonal signals in general with out scaring them off?

Had to double-check the name then, thought you were Wolfheart.
Anyway, I wouldn't mention it within the first few weeks unless she is enquiring about you.

I would use the term "a little socially awkward at times" if it needs to be discussed at all.

After all, it can't be so serious you couldn't get a date with HER!

Me likey the use of a double negative.

I didn't think so, but let me rephrase.... you aren't crippled by a social disease because you managed to start a relationship with this girl!

Mutually exclusive. If you're one thing, you can't be the other.


Better?

i cant get people to talk much less a single girl . i have a friend that moved to PA and i am in TX that calles me like 6 times a day witch it cool . but 6 times she needs to move back i gust 6 times is not so bad that tell me she loves me just wish she did not move now i got to work harder to get her back

I face this problem quite often with trying to get close to a female. Usually I never get to the point though. In my mind if the girl still seems interesed in me after a week or 2 than I should probably tell them I'm autistic. The reality of it though is I'll meet someone on a dating site, talk to them for 2 days then never hear a peep out of them again. I've had some cases where I've talked to them a few weeks, they seem interested in me, tell them I'm autistic and then all the texts/emails come to an end.

The problem is despite a push for increase awareness for Autism the last few years, the majority of the population still doesn't really have a good education about it in my opinion. When somebody hears the word "autism" they automatically think mentally ret*d (low functioning) and not know theres different spectrum with low/high functioning,Asperger's, etc.

I have some female friends that I've told (nothing more than just friends) and they seemed shocked that I was autistic because they didn't know there was such a thing in my case where I'm high functioning and able to drive a car and maintain a job and other things in society, they probably just all assume that someone with autism is a person thats 20 with the brain capacity of a 7 year old.

What would be so bad about that? It hardly seems like that big of an announcement to me.

Where I live anyways, with the amount of shallow and judgmental girls out there, it can mean the difference between you having a girl friend and being alone for the rest of your life.

Shallow, judgmental girls don't seem like the type who'd be knowledgeable about AS. I'd wager most people wouldn't have a clue what it means if you were to tell them you're autistic.

Not only are most "women" (little girls) I meet are incredibly shallow and superficial and watch too many movies, even the more open minded ones will go on Google for 10 minutes and read all about how Aspies have no empathy, 80% divorce rate, are like children, etc with little about the many positives. They would likely interpret everything you did as a negative because they are created a self-fulfilling prophecy in their mind. The obvious answer is that you don't need a woman like that in your life but I'm at the point where I don't have too many options left. Why am I cursed to be straight and attracted to females so much?

I agree with BlueMax that the most you should say, at first, is that you are socially awkward, if anything.

Once you really get to know someone and build trust with each other, then tell them. It's not something they need to know immediately and especially not if you haven't met in person, yet.

As I think every time I read a post like this, I believe it is really important to tell your partner you have an ASD. My boyfriend told me at our second date and I am very glad he did, or I wouldn't have been able to understand that when we have misunderstandings it's not because he doesn't care, but because we both "miss" something of what the other is trying to say.
If the girl you want to date can understand this, telling her will help her deal with it. If she can't, it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

Much better

In the start you don't have to tell anything I think, apart from that you are just a little awkward. You can talk about your strange positive sides and your special interests, I guess. And if you are asked you can openly talk about your feelings.
But, when it gets to a serious state, you'll have to reveal it to make her understand how you feel and that it is different and how.

Telling it from the beginning has also its advantages, because there wont be that much strange feelings on both sides involved, but that cuts down your chances quite a bit as well.

After that you probably can be more yourself.

I have been in a 9 year relationship and I wish I had known it that I have AS. It went bust because of it, and after the initial phase it felt stranger and stranger, I never felt understood and especially also there was no feeling that it ever was going to change although it somehow gradually improved still but not to a satisfactory level.
And this kind of thinking that my ex never tried to understand, whether this was true or not, I dont know.

Quite often ealier I was interested in people that have some kind of similar thinking or something similar (and about whom I think where they what kind). It is also possible that you meet somebody that is also aspie, but who doesnt know it. We seem to be quite talented to find those.

Well obviously you wont fall so easily for someone that is just snobby or any similar character that would eventually just drop you immediately.

This kind of thinking goes around in my head quite a lot, whilst earlier I just didnt care so much, how could I?(Well in principle by thinking, but for that you have to have a real good understanding of NTs inner feelings compared to yours)

If you are together already you should probably get it out as soon as possible, at a stage when the other is realizing your habits and so on, to explain those. But then you have already taken the more difficult step to actually get someone. And then I think there is not such thing that it would end abruptly just because you tell it.

Nts will almost instantenously realise that you are special, but of course they have no idea whatsoever what it means. And I guess even if you tell it they'll have a hard time understanding it, such do we to understand what goes on with their feelings.

When there is frustration already then it might be too late (when you keep it for too long)

Difficult problem to find the right moment, unfortunately so.
Worst actually would be if you would like to tell it but you simply cant. You'll have to prepare it thoroughly, at least better than to just throw it out.
Really stressful thing. But, (as quite often for me), probably not as bad as you think.

This is just what you are seeking to avoid and why this is so difficult. Throwing out categorizations is not really that what you want to do. But telling them only a part of yourself instead of that you are aspie, and they might only understand a tiny bit, if at all and get scared
that isn't that good, either.

If you are really smart then you might be able to sense the right words though and explain it such that it is understandable. But that is really high arts, where maybe even you yourself dont understand always what you are doing (for me it is so, I hope this is going to vanish with experience to a minimum).

So at some stage you have to bring it to a point, such that the other one can build his own mind and thinking about it and is not wondering around

Well, just telling that you are aspie isnt enough anyway, because you are not "the aspie" the one that is always the same from person to person. It is just a start which makes it easier to explain things. And that you need because the feelings are really seldom explained in the net just in an objective NT kind of thinking. (Well maybe here you find that what you want to know as NT).

Thats what I think

PS Greetings to all NTs that drop around here and try to understand us. You probably have as hard time understanding us as we do you. You are just a few here
but I like it that you are pushing that hard and not stay in the objective state, but try to read our emotions ). This is a really good place for it.