NT/Aspie relationship

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Hi everyone.

I am new here and have been reading through a few posts.

I have been in a relationship with an Aspie for 5 1/2 years. He was only diagnosed a few months ago but we suspected he had it about 2 1/2 years ago.

I have struggled greatly and we have argued non stop. Although when he looks back he sees a brighter story. I have been suffering from many symptoms of "Cassandra Syndrome" which has now been renamed to Affective Deprivation Disorder. I would post links - but I am not allowed to yet!!

My anxiety and panic attacks got so bad that I had to go and see a doctor. I have been signed off work for the last 2 weeks and have another 2 weeks off.

The story of my Aspie and I is a long one but I don't feel I need to go into details as I am sure people reading this will already know the aspects involved.

I was hoping to find other NTs that are going through what I am or an Aspie who maybe has some words of wisdom to make me feel like I am not going to completely lose my mind!

Thank you

There are a couple resident NTs here.

And some in relationships with newly discovered Aspies will come here and either rant, or try to find out more about the subject. They usually don't stay long. It seems that any NT having challenges with an Aspie at home, has the same difficulties with Aspies on a bulletin board (amplified because there are more of us). So they scream at us and leave.

If you're having challenges with your Aspie. This is probably not the place to find revelation. I would suggest you find a relationship councillor and an Asperger’s/Autism psychologist.

My perception, it isn't representative of everyones.

Resident NT here, although I am not in a relationship with an Aspie. My story is a little different. However, from reading your story it appears the NT/AS situation may be complicated by your condition. It would help if you gave some specifics. You said you argue. What about?

And yes GregCav is right. Some NT's come here looking for approval and validation. When they dont get it they get upset and leave. Just realize you may hear something you don't like. But the folks here are an honest group.

Hi ya and Welcome.

So, this is new to me, Aspies cause Cassandra Syndrome?

We are a very honest group, who are often accused of being too honest, and who also have difficulty seeing the other side of things. It is admirable that you are trying to help your relationship. But could you be more specific? Are you looking for advice on how your aspie sees things? Advice on how to handle certain things? Translation for communication mishaps?

No, being in a relationship with a relatively high-functioning aspie can cause it. Essentially the (almost always guy) behaves in what reads as ridiculously emotionally/verbally (and occasionally physically) abusive ways while the (almost always woman) spends years blaming herself and making excuses for him, and suffering terribly. The kids often do, too. To the outside world, though, the guy seems a little odd, maybe, but nice, thoughtful, responsible, etc. At home, totally different story, because at home he can let it all hang out, relax. Or thinks he can, and is unreceptive to the idea that he's really hurting his family by his behavior: after all, he's just acting like himself, which (by his lights) ought to be fine. Also, he doesn't feel that there's a problem with his behavior; therefore there's no problem. The woman tries to explain to friends/extended family why she's a wreck, and they don't buy it, because the guy doesn't treat them that way.

If the guy convinces himself that he's actually causing problems and goes for help in not being awful to his family, that can help, esp if the family comes to understand Aspergers at the same time and are receptive; if not, the woman/kids are best off divorcing him, steering clear, etc.

tarantella64 described almost verbatum what my ex-girlfriend used to tell me.

For whatever reason, I couldn't, and still can't see what I do that so upsets them. Somebody more experienced may be able shed some light on exactly what it is. But I havn't a clue.

I try desperatly hard to do and say all the right things, then I get accused of being manipulative.
I try to be noncholant, so I get accused on not caring or being inconsiderate.
I try to take time to do my own thing as well as time to do her thing in equal measure, and I become self centred, self absorbed.

How is it possible to be normal?

Hi,

I just want to thank everyone for replying. I didn't expect such a big response when I woke up this morning.

I knew it may be a risk to write the words "Cassandra Syndrome" in my post and now I wish I hadn't. This condition has been renamed as it has offended Asperger Societies as they feel it places blame on the person with Aspergers. So I want to quote the document on Affective Deprivation Disorder.

For those that are interested in reading the whole article please take the space out the link (i am not allowed to post links yet!). The top is very heavy going but conditions to meet this disorder are near the bottom. ht tp://w ww.maxineaston.c o.uk/research/Affective%20Deprivation.pdf

@GregCav I have not come here to rant, I did that in our first 3 years together! I am here to find out if anyone else is aware of AfDD and/or are going through it themselves. Or even better have been through it and managed to overcome it. I suppose I need a bit of hope and fight.

@GregCav @IlovemyAspie I have found that some of the responses I have been given show that no one typed Affective Deprevation Disorder into Google. It is hard to explain yourself everyday to an Aspie or to an outsider. Maybe other NTs don't feel like they can explain themselves to others online too. Maybe that is just my perspective now as I am not in the best of places at the moment!

@1401b I think the article above may help you understand that I was not saying "Aspies cause Cassandra Syndrome".

@GregCav I thought I had written that we were going to see Maxine Aston, but that was on my heath assesment form i wrote earlier in the day! She specialises in Aspergers and relationships. We are both hoping she can help us communicate better and get some sort of steady life going on. As unfortunately I have reached my limit and can't continue the way things are. I have tried to put so many coping methods for my Aspie in place but he just doesn't follow them through. He hasn't once tried to put any in place for himself and what I am suggesting is obviously wrong. So maybe she can help with that.

Thanks again.

Hi,

I just want to thank everyone for replying. I didn't expect such a big response when I woke up this morning.

I knew it may be a risk to write the words "Cassandra Syndrome" in my post and now I wish I hadn't. This condition has been renamed as it has offended Asperger Societies as they feel it places blame on the person with Aspergers. So I want to quote the document on Affective Deprivation Disorder.

For those that are interested in reading the whole article please take the space out the link (i am not allowed to post links yet!). The top is very heavy going but conditions to meet this disorder are near the bottom. ht tp://w ww.maxineaston.c o.uk/research/Affective%20Deprivation.pdf

@GregCav I have not come here to rant, I did that in our first 3 years together! I am here to find out if anyone else is aware of AfDD and/or are going through it themselves. Or even better have been through it and managed to overcome it. I suppose I need a bit of hope and fight.

@GregCav @IlovemyAspie I have found that some of the responses I have been given show that no one typed Affective Deprevation Disorder into Google. It is hard to explain yourself everyday to an Aspie or to an outsider. Maybe other NTs don't feel like they can explain themselves to others online too. Maybe that is just my perspective now as I am not in the best of places at the moment!

@1401b I think the article above may help you understand that I was not saying "Aspies cause Cassandra Syndrome".

@GregCav I thought I had written that we were going to see Maxine Aston, but that was on my heath assesment form i wrote earlier in the day! She specialises in Aspergers and relationships. We are both hoping she can help us communicate better and get some sort of steady life going on. As unfortunately I have reached my limit and can't continue the way things are. I have tried to put so many coping methods for my Aspie in place but he just doesn't follow them through. He hasn't once tried to put any in place for himself and what I am suggesting is obviously wrong. So maybe she can help with that.

Thanks again.

string, aspies come in all different flavors. There are a lot of myths and misunderstanding of AS. Of all the online sources I've encountered, I feel this one most accurately describes the scope of adult aspies:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/U ... erSyndrome

Don't let people, aspies included, excuse bad behavior with their condition. At the end of the day, everyone makes choices for their actions (by definition, "action" involves choice; contrast this with reaction, which is automatic). AS does make one more prone to certain behaviors, but it's not mind control. With that said, if your partner is not meeting your needs, and if you've already communicated that to him, then I think it's time to take further action. If you value the relationship enough, maybe a professional counselor/psychologist/therapist would be helpful. Worst case scenario is that you find someone better suited for you, but I take it you want to make this work, hence why you're here seeking help. Ultimately, all bad behavior, committed by you and/or your partner needs to be corrected. Again, AS is not an excuse; it only explains propensity.

Because it's difficult to predict how an adult aspie is like, it's difficult to offer advice without better understanding your partner. I have no idea how good his emotional intelligence is. I'm an aspie myself, but my emotional intelligence is much higher than most aspies, so simply talking to me about your problems may be all that is needed to fix the relationship. On the other hand, I've met aspies my age who are still child-like, and you'll likely need a third-party to intervene to save the relationship since your partner may not have the skills yet to communicate effectively.

Also, thanks for sharing with us what Cassandra Syndrome is. Really interesting stuff. I learn something new everyday!

Please don't assume that "no one googled it".
I did under both names. Before posting.
I also read several articles about it, including the one you have there. Before posting.
I am mortally offended by the "logic" and "research" and how the conclusions are made.
Not because it clearly targets ASD. But because it appears to be "Bad Science" written with an "Agenda".

Hiding this "Syndrome" behind the Cassandra metaphor of saying, "Oh! See! Inherent to the issues is that no one believes me!" Is clearly a blatant attempt to prevent scrutiny and questioning of the claims.

It reduces men to rapists and women to huddling, powerless, jellyfish victims.
Drama, drama.

I don't know about you, but my view of women does NOT include them being so pathetic that they're run down by any ole guy that comes trotting along, like a rat in the street.
My view of adult women does NOT include them melting into a helpless puddle of yogurt in the event they don't get 100% of all of their emotional (and all other) needs spoon feed into their gullets like a baby bird squeaking for crushed bugs.

If it's simply not getting their emotional and relational needs met, then why does this "Syndrome" not include single women at all?
If it's outright physical abuse then why doesn't it fall under something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Or even better, "Kick him in the Nutz and Run Away while He's Puking Disorder"?

As I've said half jokingly before, "Women are dangerous." A man messes with a woman at his own peril.
It even includes the physical realm wiki/Women_Soldiers.
And domestically...

Maybe I'm naive, but it seems to me, in this day and age, in this country, women are a force to be reckoned with.
And I for one am happy about that.



There's nothing worse than a jellyfish girlfriend.

Welcome.

Walking into L&D is a bit like walking into an ongoing bar brawl much of the time. Try to be aware of that when you post here.

We have had some wonderful NT posters of the years, perhaps one of the most helpful and one of the few who truly understood as much as an NT can, being LoriB. I'm not sure if she is posting any longer, but if not, I highly encourage you to send her a PM inviting her to this thread, or perhaps PM with her in private. She is very giving and has a great understanding of both sides of this, and will probably have a better capability to advise than many here (and the know how to communicate it effectively). Some of the other NT's here have colored experiences or their own agendas, or simply lack true understanding of the other side - so while it's side to find someone who "gets you" keep in mind they in all probability don't get your partner.

And I would say the same of many aspies here. Some of us are too entrenched in our own views to really be able to relate. Please keep it in mind.

Reading your post, my initial impressions lead to more questions rather than answers. Perhaps you would be able to help with those.

Is there a reason you have not left if you are not getting your needs met?

Have you tried professional counselling with someone familiar with AS/NT relationships?

And perhaps the one that I noticed the most: You said you had some up with solutions that he hasn't implemented. Why isn't he coming up with solutions? One of the best things you can do is get him actively involved and give him the task of seeking solutions and then bringing the various options to you. We do wonderfully with problem solving. Instead of trying to do it for him, have you tried giving him full control of the problem solving side of things and seeing what he comes up with? We tend to do quite badly when someone orders us around, or takes control of something, or demands at us - especially in matters such as this, it is likely to only make him more resistant.