How can I get my wife to understand?

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Hello everyone! I'm new here and just needed some advice. I've been married for 4 years now to a woman I love (NT), and I thank her for making me pursue a possibility of having some kind of disorder. Although she helped me self-diagnose myself, she has been unwilling to understand how it is to be an aspie. I don't get any alone time, plans are ALWAYS changing which irritates me, she thinks I'm some kind of normal... Which I'm not. So many things came forth when I realized I had AS... I just want her to get more educated on it and she doesn't seem to want to.

I love her and I know she does love me too. She's put up with my confusing brain for so long and has forgiven me even though 99 percent of the time I'm not even aware of what I said that triggered her anger.

For this reason alone... I feel such sadness and aloneness... That's why I joined Wrong Planet.

Thepoet

Not sure what I can say that's helpful and constructive... I get so irritated by selfish princesses who insist that everything must be done their way and don't give much/anything in return.

My ex-wife was like that throughout our marriage... like instead of recognizing I don't get her hints (and told her flat out she needs to be direct and honest with me) she insisted on continuing to play games, drop hints and keep secrets. Then would say "I told you but you never listen!!" Maddening!

i'm not much of a persuader, so don't know how to tell your wife about AS. you could, however, insist on some alone time, perhaps going to the library if you can't find a peaceful place (sometimes it's the bathroom) in your house.

welcome to WP.

First I'm sorry I don't have much to offer in the way of help. But I really like your screen name. It seems to me there are two reasons a mate or spouse will have someone pursue the possibility of a disorder - either they want to understand, want to help, OR they don't like what they see as wrong and want it "fixed." Wanting to fix an aspie doesn't work, as we all know. If that's her attitude, that now that you know what's wrong you try to fix it, obviously you have an irreconcilable problem. I don't understand why, if she loves you, she doesn't want to learn more and understand.

But I do know that too much information is a common problem with us, with my also-AS spouse even more than with me (I don't tend to offer enough information most of the time, I'm very quiet). So, what have you done to try to educate her so far? If it's been a case of too much information, maybe you need to work on ways to present helpful information without overwhelming her. Maybe just a simple list of symptoms that she'll recognize as hey, that's you! Along with those maybe a list of ways in which she can help you with those - simple ways that don't require her to change her life too much.

For me, if I had more money, one thing I'd do is have one room in the house that was for me alone, where I could close a door and know I wouldn't be disturbed. At one time I had something similar to that, and I miss it a lot since we moved to a smaller place. If you can arrange to have a place like that, even if it's the garage, I'd say go for it. Tell her it's your man cave - that's a trendy term that maybe an NT can accept. Or call it your study, your retreat, whatever. Put a small black board outside that room where she can write anything she needs to talk to you about when you have a chance, so she can leave a note there instead of disturb you, unless there's a real emergency.

In addition you need to set aside time when you can talk. Marriage requires communication, back and forth, listening, being flexible. So make sure you allow time for that.

This is just a suggestion of course, you have to do what works for you.

My spouse likes me to email him when he's busy (for me it's alone time, for him it's busy time), so he can read the email when he gets a chance. I don't follow this perfectly, sometimes there are little household emergencies that can't wait, sometimes I forget he doesn't want to be disturbed (he forgets when I don't want to be disturbed too - funny how it's so difficult to remember this when it's someone else - it's a very human problem). But we try, and that's what counts.

One of my favorite quotes about marriage, which both of us constantly need to work on:

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." --Robert Quillen

Last edited by SpiritBlooms on 09 Sep 2012, 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That is very odd that she would help you self diagnose, but doesn't want to learn anything.

I don't think anyone can ever understand life with AS just as I (a male) can never understand life as a female. Sure I can emulate aspects of female thinking, but there are things I'll never understand.

If you think in extremes, or black and white, as I do, then you're probably thinking your marriage is doomed. Really, I can't speak for others on the spectrum, but I tend to look at snags in a relationship as a harbinger to a separation. I hope that's not the case with you and you and your wife will work things out.

I would ask her why she bothered to help you figure out what was going on, if she doesn't even want to bother figuring out what it means and how you can deal with it together.

You are going to have to give in somewhat, but the only way you can do that - and I do mean can - is if you work within the way that you work. Which means understanding how you work. Which means anyone who interacts with you that much needs to understand it, too. Otherwise, what's the point of figuring it out?

I can relate to your situation very much. I've been married for 6 years and my wife knows I have AS and she has accepted it as a reality. There are times though when she gets frustrated and thinks that I'm supposed think like an NT.
An example would be last night at the dinner table, I was in no mood for an attempt at verbal communication with her or the family. I sat eating my food with my eyesite focusing straight forward with no attempt at eye contact. She got irritated and stormed out of the room saying she would eat later based on my behavior. She confronted me afterwards and specified I was acting like a "jerk" at the dinner table. I was confused at how I was acting like a jerk. Between the loud volume in the room and mess of individuals sitting at the table, it was an uncomfortable situation for me at that moment.

I tried to explain that to her but she didn't understand or even try to. Marriage is demanding and I'm so glad we don't have a child. I can tolerate kids in small doses but quickly they will get on my nerves.

Isn't that what the bathroom is for?

i don't think there is anything simple that you can just say at this point which will change the way things are. the path leading up to the self-diagnosis probably involved you trying to fix yourself to fit her expectations, and now that you have the self-diagnosis there is likely a shift towards stopping in your tracks and expecting that the accommodations will come from her instead of from you.

many many people found that diagnosis doesn't always help a relationship, because it changes the basic dynamic of the relationship. when a person is in the un-dxed position with an NT partner, they are constantly trying to "make right" and are at a bit of a disadvantage as they may be the one making a lot of relationship mistakes. but once there is a valid explanation and criteria to apply to the newly dx-ed person, there is a sea change.

now you may feel like instead of trying to change yourself, the other person may just need to accept things the way they are, and accept YOU the way you are. and you are not wrong. many things about you should now be taken at face value, and you are no longer a fixer-upper. but it puts the other person in the position of no longer being able to hope for "improvement".

i think it's important to keep trying to see the other person's point of view, and to keep trying to be the best partner you can be. but there will also need to be a shift in her mindset.

i don't really know how couples effectively get through this. i usually suggest marital counselling because the diagnosis is often preceded by years of relationship issues, hurt feelings, and burnt bridges. you may find yourself being unnecessarily stubborn with her (and she might be doing the same with you), and this leads to an even wider division.

Wow! Thank you all for taking the time to answer my question. Although, there was no definitive advice, I think I will just have to sit her down and talk to her about it. I will try to get her to understand to the best of my ability, and hopefully, use this web site to get her more intimately educated on AS. I appreciate all of your replies.

Thank you!

My girlfriend is so NT that even though she is logically informed of AS, she cannot grasp the effects any more than I can grasp much of the NT world of perception (deception?).


I still get accused of "making excuses to cover up being an as*hole".

I get that from my wife all the time. It hurts because she thinks I'm being manipulative when I'm truly not. I cannot help if I think one way and don't see it from the NT point of view. If you take the time to explain, I will understand it more.