Speaking of weight

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A guy I've known for a few months who seemed pretty averse to me from the moment I met him, almost like he was doing it intentionally for attention, ran into me today and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to pretend he doesn't exist from now on. I'm cool with people disliking me but when they go out of their way to make half-joking comments putting me down, that just makes me want to get away from them whenever possible. So I'd been avoiding this guy for a while.

Today at school he sat down next to me in the TV lounge in the student recreation center. I was pretty startled. He asked if I'd gained weight, I sort of brushed off the question because he's an ass.

A few minutes later he told me he would ask me on a date if I would lose the 10lbs-15lbs I've put on during recovering from numerous bone fractures. I laughed pretty hard at the idea of going on a date with someone who has been a jerk to me since I met him. Then I packed up my stuff and moved on to entertaining a group of strangers with shenanigans.

It seems like most guys who ask me out or whatever do so after acting like complete and utter jerks and getting to the point where I avoid them. I'm usually very surprised by it, but why is this how so many guys seem to go about getting a date?

This seems to happen a lot, and since I've decided to focus on school and remove myself from the dating world for the school year, which I haven't told anyone outside of WP, it seems to be happening on a weekly basis. Could they think I'm playing hard to get or something? Wtf?

Thats basic nagging.
Its supposed to make a woman seek for your validation by giving them a compliment that is actually trying to put them down at the same time.

PUAs have been encouraging it for several years. Im surprised its the first time you come across it

At least you're smart enough not to fall for it. Lord knows how many times I've seen people (both sexes) fall for this type of thing. I'm willing to bet this guy is probably the type of guy that gets girls, too.

JERKWAD ALERT! JERKWAD ALERT!

What a rotten human... Ignore this pickup-artist BS.

Spongy, as I stated in the part of my post you didn't quote, I run across this all of the time. Most guys who ask me out do this.

They get booted out of my life pretty much instantly.

Though yeah, girls are usually all over this slimeball.

Guys are afraid of smart girls so they don't know any other way to act around them.

More and more men are becoming familiar with the concept of nagging wether they have read a book on PUA or not.

It has appeared on shows that are extremely successful/mainstream(howard tries to do this to penny at the start of TBBT and she says something along the lines of are you seriously trying to nag me/Barney does it all the time on HIMYM...).

You see it so many times that you have to consider that it may work and most guys do eventually try to do this sort of thing.


but why is this how so many guys seem to go about getting a date?
As stated previously "specialists" dictated that a small amount of nagging/putting them down was needed before asking a female out.
Some say that this is a way of making her think about some of her flaws and give her the impression that you are doing her a favour by going out with her, others say that this a way of showing her that you are not really that into her...

As for why do they keep doing it?
As a member told me a while ago there is a subset of women that will fall for this sort of thing and the only way they have to figure out wether you are part of this group is to do this sort of thing to you.
Its extremely douchey and it cuts all communication if you arent in this category but from what I understand most males doing this arent really interested on becoming friends with girls because of the oh so scary friend zone

So these guys want girls who aren't bright enough to catch on, and who are easily manipulated? The strange mind games some people play...

I guess these guys are just really insecure but don't want to work on the unattractive bits of their personality?

meems, that was an awesome response to his attempts to get a date. you handled it very well.

that PUA negging stuff isn't really any different from a basic abusive relationship, it's just a little snapshot of the same basic scenario: knock a woman down a notch, then build her back up (but not too high, or she'll have enough self-esteem to leave the relationship).

when the PUA negs a target, it throws them off-kilter. if the target is already a little wobbly in the self-esteem department, they will work to try to impress the PUA. it creates a shift in the power dynamic. if a woman usually hears compliments but is fairly insecure, the PUA's negging plays on her lingering doubts. there is something in the target's mind that says, "i am *almost* good enough for this person. perhaps if i flirt really hard they'll find me more attractive."

there are females that do the same thing, of course. men and women are equally capable and willing of being abusive. but in your situation it's a very clear window into one method of the multimillion dollar PUA industry.

Whoa. I'd heard of negging and some of the terms I just found, but when I googled it... there are so many websites selling advice about treating women badly. This could just as easily be applied to either gender and done by either gender.

Jesus. Wow. This... is... it's presented like some kind of Tony Robbins thing, instead of what it really is.

While I am not defending what he said, I think there are other possible explanations for this. First of all, he may simply be trying to protect his own image: if he acts as if he's not that interested, then if you turn him down, it won't appear he suffered any major setback. The second option is similar to the first, except that instead of worrying about image, he may even be trying to protect himself. If he's afraid he might get turned down, pretending, even to himself, that he's not that interested, is a great way to try to make sure it won't hurt so much. Still a stupid way to behave, and he could just be a jerk trying what he thinks is a great pickup routine, but people are complex, and they don't always do things for obvious reasons.

By the way, I agree, if this is how he copes, he's not worth your time. Not suggesting anything different there, just wondering about motivation.

Last edited by theWanderer on 12 Sep 2012, 11:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This person is not worth your time. I wonder how these bottomfeeders survive sometimes. I guess not everyone is intelligent enough to avoid getting 'played'.

What's REALLY disturbing is how well it works on so many women... [biting tongue to avoid saying anything derogatory]

Could someone explain how I'm to be attracted to someone who's deliberately insulting and fatphobic to boot?

Is this an NT thing?

I think there is a massive difference between telling a woman you would date her if she lost 15 lbs, and gently teasing a woman because of her choice of footwear.

Both technically count as "negs" , but one is unacceptable and borderline abusive since it is an attempt at manipulation in an attempt to gain power over another - whereas the second is acceptable teasing and joking in order to create a connection, in a way that isn't harmful to anyone and would prefer and encourage an equal response.

If a guy is walking about saying crap like that, he either doesn't understand the concept, or is after girls who are easily manipulated - either way, stay far, far away.

I had an ex do stuff like this. I was asking about the girlfriend of one of his friends who he went on holiday with as a group. He said she was big. I said bigger than me? and he said 'About the same' Lol There was no need for this and if he had half a brain he'd know that if asked this question a man should always say 'No she was much bigger than you' But in my opinion he was adept at undercutting me to keep me in a state of mind whereby I'd be grateful for any attention he showed me.