Need Help With Hard Issue

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So, I got a new girlfriend. The problem is something really bad happened to her in her past, and because of it, she doesnt trust guys easily, and getting close to her is seemingly impossible. I'm an extremely affectionate person when I'm in a relationship. When I cant hold my girlfriend, or even touch her, it makes me very uneasy. Cuddling is my favorite part of living, hands down, bar none, but its even more than that. I feel like I'm able to make people truly feel better by holding them. Its like I can project how I feel, how much I care, with my arms wrapped around someone. It might not be technically true, and I'm sure I'm totally biased, but I feel like cuddling is what I'm best at. I really care about my girlfriend, and I just want her to see that not every 'wanting' hand is the same as the one from her bad past.

Last night we had a date together. I worked really hard to plan a night under the stars together. I told her when we were setting up our date that we didnt have to do anything, I just wanted her to CONSIDER touching me. Kissing, holding hands, cuddling, I told her I couldnt care less how much, or how little we could touch, so long as she would consider trying.

I've never had this kind of date with anyone before, so I didnt pack enough blankets I'm sure, and she got cold, and we had to go home earlier than I would have hoped. It sucked because I was right there, laying beside her, ready to keep her warm. She laid next to me, and we talked a bunch, but when I asked her if I could hold her hand, or cuddle with her, she said 'NO', like it was ludicrous I would even consider asking her such a thing.

I know she is struggling, likely 1000000x more than I am, but I feel like a fish out of water with this whole thing.

Whenever we hang out she always makes sure to sit away from me, on the recliner chair instead of the huge couch that I sit on. A part of me wonders if its because of her past, or maybe she just isnt into me at all, and just went along with being my girlfriend because she knew thats what I wanted. I dont know what to think, and I have no idea what to do, either.

Anyone have any advice for me? What should I do? I just want to be closer to my girlfriend.

She now associates getting close to her with all the things I'm guessing happened to her in her past. It is not her fault she sees it so black and white, but over time if she does not trust you I would consider having "the talk".

If anything, just be honest and upfront about it with her rather than pushing her without words. It would seem like you are "just after one thing" otherwise and things you might take for granted in a relationship might be seen as you taking liberties.

If you feel you can't be with her because of her past, then offer to be just friends. Consider you know, giving her more time first, though? If you really like her, I'm sure you can find it in you to do this. It would also do wonders for your self control in relationships as far as physical intimacy goes.

She needs to talk to a therapist to deal with these issues IMO. Issues like that can be very traumatic and damaging, but there is help.

I think she is into you, she put herself at risk by going out with you alone at night so she has some trust.

anyone else have any pro advices?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that last bolded statement "maybe she just isn't into me at all", BINGO! I had an experience very similar to yours. It was my freshman year of college. There was a girl in my class. One day, when we ran into each other on campus in the evening (we were both commuters), she showed what I thought was romantic interest. However, due to her "busy schedule" (I should have noticed that big honkin' red flag there and then), we didn't go out until two weeks later. We went on the date, exchanged a hug at the end. It was the first hug I've had in six months, and back then, I thought it felt amazing. But compared to the expressive, emotional hugs I've gotten this year on a cruise, from girls I danced with (one of them was even a crew member) or hung out with on a friendly basis, that hug was dry as toast.

Anyway, after the date, I try to, well..., act romantic with her. And I'm running into roadblock after roadblock. She won't hug me more than that A-frame, "shoulders only" hug; she won't hold my hand; she won't kiss me on the cheek or let me do the same; she stiffens up when I put my arm around her; and "she doesn't have time" to go to a nice restaurant. French kissing, let alone more, was out of the question altogether. Nonetheless, this is exponentially farther than I've ever gotten with a girl before, so I try to stay the course. I explain/justify her actions (or lack thereof, to be exact) with things like "she just came off a bad relationship", "she just had a messy breakup", "she had a strict upbringing", "she wants to get to know me better first", "she needs more romance", etc, etc, etc.

Miraculously, when I asked her to a college dance, she said yes! I was happy and excited beyond belief! When the big day arrived, we met at the dance event; it took place in a hotel ballroom downtown ("city center" for non-Americans). This is where I started seeing more red flags than a Communist Party rally. She briefly danced with another guy (not close, though), she hasn't touched me once the whole night, and she didn't press into me when put my arm around her for a picture pose. And the biggest red flag of all: when I slow song came on, and I wrapped my arm around her to hold her close, she stepped away. That's when it hit me: she didn't like me the whole time!! ! At that point, I called BS on everything I thought the last few months. "Wants to get to know me better?" Well, a few months is more than enough time to feel comfortable to at least dance close. I toughed out the rest of the night, spending more time at the buffet than on the dance floor. And I was under 21 at the time, so I couldn't dull the disappointment with alcohol. At the end of the night, I walked her to a taxi, and we parted ways without even a hug.

For the rest of the semester, we still said hi to each other in class and I helped her with homework one time, but we didn't hang out outside of class, not even to have lunch. After I got the world's biggest sign that a girl didn't like me, I stopped pursuing. And I'm sure she, in turn, was only relieved.

So that's the story. As much as I'd like to offer hope, no can do. Your story sounds so similar to mine, it's unbelievable.

Just talk to her about this. She knows better about this than any of us do. You sound like a great person, so sit her down (maybe across from you ) and tell her how you're feeling. If she doesn't understand how its affecting you it is one thing. If she does, then I dont know. I would suggest she seek professional help. I wish cuddling could heal all scars, but it simply can't.

So please. Talk to her about this. Her opinion matters most. Be honest and open, and hopefully she will be too.

yea, this was my plan.

thanks for all the help everyone!

Yes, I can offer you some advice, however it is probably not the type of advice you want to hear. Don't date girls who bring emotional baggage from their past relationships into new relationships. It's ok for a girlfriend to confide to you that something bad happened in her past, however if you are constantly having to accommodate them for that, then chances are, they are not ready to date. Additionally, you should never have to convince a girl to cuddle with you or engage in any type of romantic behavior. Relationships should be mutual and if you find yourself having to pressure or plead with her concerning the level of physical interaction in the relationship, then that is a big indicator that the relationship is moving too fast for her, that you don't understand what relationships are about, and possibly that she does not actually want to be in the relationship. The relationship will likely not work unless these issues are resolved.

I would consider either slowing down the progression of the relationship or talk with her about possibly ending it.

I oncedated someone like that for a very short time... she hated - HATED to be touched! ...with one exception. She seemed to like rough sex. No affection ever... and I find rough sex to be non-affectionate as well.

It didn't work for me... I'm a cuddler, not a porcupine.

i appreciate your bluntness. you are likely spot on.

who else thought this was about erections?

Yep, sound advice right here. Relationships aren't about that and those things aren't on tap. Bear in mind even if you find a girl with less baggage they might not appreciate being cuddled and felt up whenever you feel like it. But you and your GF definitely need to talk things over.

NT speaking here so take with a the proverbial grain of salt....

She is not into you. Even with emotional baggage, if a woman is into you, she would welcome the nurturing and support...especially if she has been mistreated! She would welcome a man who is supportive.

Sorry. Good luck.

Hmm...I had a date with my BF last night...it was cold...

Digital Eve, depending on the event, it's not outside the realm of the possible that the OP's GF could behave this way.

There was a girl on America's Next Top Model who broke down when she had to pose with a male model because she had been frequently sexually abused as a child.

Finally, someone who sees my point of view, and I'm an aspie for sure. If you read my previous post, you'll see that I had the same experience with "a girlfriend who doesn't feel comfortable getting close to me". I honestly believed it, and thought that giving her time, being romantic, etc, would help bring her out of her shell. Well, imagine my internal reaction when she didn't want to dance close. Digital eve, I'm sure you'll agree that even for a very old-fashioned girl, a few months is plenty of time to get to know a guy enough to dance close with him. (By "close", I mean in an embrace, chest-to-chest.) The cold, harsh truth is that girl didn't like me, and there was nothing I could do about it. The whole "relationship" was, for the most part, a waste of my time. I was not looking for friendship.

Consider the world of difference on my cruise a few months ago. I met a girl there, and she was cruising solo, like I was. Initially, we talked in passing a few times, plus had lunch together, when she saw me eating in the buffet and asked if she could join. (I did the gentlemanly thing and brought her food.) We first properly hung out on day three while ziplining in port, after we found ourselves on the same shuttle to the park. (It turned out, she pre-booked the same excursion before the cruise.) That night, there was a Latin dance party on the ship. When we did bachata, which requires closeness by its nature, we were dancing very close and flirting like the ship was going to sink tomorrow.

Why the cruise story? As I realized over the years, it simply doesn't matter how long the girl knew the guy for! If attraction is there, things can happen as quickly as day one. Doesn't have to be sex; it can be something relatively innocent, like snuggling on a deck chair. (Although, cruises can probably make people feel compelled to act on their attraction quicker, given that debarkation is a few days away.) If attraction isn't there, good friendship is the maximum that will ever happen. That seems to be the OP's case. Sorry. Learn your lesson from this experience, and move on.

Any update?