the incident and the password

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I have never been the jealous type. I told him that from day one, when we were first hanging out as friends. I told him about a past open relationship that I had. And he told me that he does like to flirt. He said he likes to flirt and it is harmless and he means nothing by it. I also like to flirt so this didnt seem like a big deal.

this relationship is 4 months old by the way...

anyway, one day I was upset. Having a sort of melt down and was feeling like s**t. I laid next to him on the bed, where he was on his laptop. I was upset, he knew it. He comforted me with a little touching, but was very wrapped up in the computer. I thought to myself... what can possibly be more important than me? He is the center of my universe and I am not the center of his? What the hell? I was so upset...

He finally pulled himself off the computer and ran to town to get me a drink from Sonic (a drive in place with some awesome drinks!) and while he was gone... I decided id see what was so important.

So I got on his computer, and got on facebook (i knew he was on facebook while i was upset i saw the blue and white screen)
And I looked at his chat history. My jaw fell to the floor.

He was talking to another girl. Doing what afterward he called "flirt talk". He was talking to her in a way I think should be reserved for me. Some things he told her were things he has told me, and it made me feel special like I am sure it did her. I turned RED with anger. I have never been a jealous person... but suddenly all I wanted to do was beat the life out of both of them. I felt betrayed. and STILL do to this day. I harbor it, I hold on to it. I want it to stop, it is hurting our relationship...

Anyway, I confronted him. I told him what I did, what I was thinking to justify "snooping" and how I felt about what I found. He said he was disappointed in me for looking at his facebook. And for now on his computer will have a password. Then he went on to apologize, and we had a bit of a heart to heart. I dont remember all that was said...

now the password is bugging me.
i KNOW its wrong to "snoop" but he is the one who made me insecure enough to want to do it. He is the one who made me suspicious. And i do not under any circumstances approve of his computer having a password!

No, I do not want to browse his facebook chat messages again. I am partially scared of what I would find, because if I found out this was still going on, id tell him to pack up and get out of my house. And I feel wrong and guilty for snooping if there was nothing to be seen.

But if he wasnt hiding something I feel like his computer wouldnt have a password. We both have our own computers and never use each others. Mine does not have a password. All passwords to everything... facebook, email.. all of it, are saved in the computer. I have nothing to hide. I regularly leave my facebook open with me logged on.

Should I be upset by this password? This was two months ago when it all happened and I think about it everyday. mostly upset because there is a password so he MUST be hiding something or the trust or whatever isnt mutual.

thank you all for reading

In your position I would be quite upset, too.

He's entitled to a password but to only apply it once he has been caught is telling, I'm afraid. He's willing to have an exclusive relationship with you, but is not willing to keep certain behaviour exclusive.

You have to ask yourself if this is something you are okay with, and how he would react in your shoes? This seems a tad one sided.

He's hiding something.

You don't lock a door that doesn't hold anything important inside.

I'm sorry, but this level of distrust from HIS end signifies something is going on. I've read that when someone becomes erratic/suspicious/distrustful in a relationship, these are signs of cheating.

If it were me, I would apologise and even give you the password to my FB so you could check up on me.

Yes, indeed. And this happened to me. An ex was insecure so she demanded my FB password which I was hesitant to give cos it was also my password to finances and stuff. Nevertheless I gave it, she skimmed every woman on my Facebook, and was annoyed that there was nothing to be found (well duh, I'm spoken for). So I said jokingly "my turn " and she went nuts...and started questioning why I didn't trust her blabla LOL. Turns out she was flirting with anyone that would give her attention. She met up with one guy during the day, and I knew him not only was he a real idiot he was UGLY which was quite an insult to me if anything. And no I didn't get the password, just insults and emotional blackmail. So I would be weary if I were you.

ugh what a yucky feeling situation

the initial snoop was wrong
but he knows what he was doing was wrong and should be willing to make some temporary efforts to arrure you he won't be a repeat offender

trust is essential to relationships, but he has some work to do to regain your trust

Forget about the computers, Facebook and passwords. That's not the crux of your dilemma.
Your man likes to flirt and has set a clear boundary in your relationship around that issue. Can you live with that? Literally, live with that in your own home? That's the question you need to answer to yourself in order to get done with your anger and start living again.

He's already made his decision and set his boundaries. He can live with you or not, but the flirting is his domain either way. That's how it is. You can take him as he is or leave him. It's your decision to make.

thank you guys! yall gave me the courage to talk to him more about it...
He told me his password, watched me log on and he told me to look through his facebook. I did... there was nothing "bad" there.

i sorta feel bad now for feeling suspicious.

he said the password just made him feel more secure (why if he isnt hiding anything in the first place!?)
but hes not hiding anything... not that i could see or feel-- feel... if that makes since.

I really need to work on my communication with him. I wish id had talked to him about it months ago when he first put the password on...

either way i feel much better because i know he isnt flirting online.
I never did think he would cheat on me, the girl he was talking to was across the country... but i found his chat with her disrespectful to me.

either way, thank you all.

This relationship has blossomed a lot and this has been holding me back. I feel much closer to him now that i feel trust.

I thought your relationship was, "just hanging out as friends".... that doesn't sound like a relationship entitled to exclusivity.

Did it get upgraded beyond that at some point? Because you didn't say so I don't want to assume anything and fill in the blanks myself...

He might still be operating under "casual" status and not understand you're thinking of an "exclusive/serious" relationship.

...as far as I can tell from the post anyway. I can't stress enough good, open communication between you both regarding expectations, etc!

yes, it developed into a serious exclusive relationship. i am sorry i left that out.
we started as friends.

Have you too talked about the descrepancy in feelings that you both have? You indicated that you felt like you seem to be more attached than he is. Does he understand this and want to move the relationship forward? Because now it seems that you affection is not being returned to the degree you would like.

I have passwords on everything, but that's because I believe in security.

But when you meet me, it'll be that way, it won't be a sudden change.

When are you meeting them?

Do the same and watch his reaction.

Fight fire with fire.

If he really cares then he might get a waking call.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 29 Sep 2012, 3:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fighting one injustice with another injustice leads to further injustice. It is not maths wher two times negative equals plus. Not saying I am an expert when it comes to relationships (far from it), but I know that revenge leads to dispair. This old saying "If you look for revenge, start by digging two graves" holds true in any case... if you go that way, you are digging graves for both your hearts. Tell him how you feel, and that you want to rearrange the terms of your relationship, because you cannot go on like this. Mistrust is not even a good foundation for friendship, and you cannot build a successful intimate relationship on it, I am sure. And I hate to say it, but in my oppinion, your snooping after him is equally as condemnable as his intense flirting. If he has really given you reason for you to not trust him before this incident, we wouldn't be having this topic here, you would have either brought this up or dumped him. When you agreed on both being able to flirt, apparently you both had different agendas as to what flirting includes. That's why you need to rearrange this "contract". Without wanting to sound too much like a lawyer, but the misinterpretation of an unclear or not adequately defined term cannot be held against the person who did not set up the contract. It is not clear who that person is, and do not get me wrong, I am not justifying your partner's behaviour in the slightest, but you should see it from his perspective: He thought what he did was well within what you agreed upon, and while I strongly agree that he should have been able to tell that what he did went too far... being able to tell what you do is wrong and actually do realize that it is wrong is two different pair of shoes. Long story short: Talk, talk, talk. Also, tell him that you are hurt by the fact that he now feels the need to protect his computer with a password, and that you will have no need to snoop on him again if both of you agree where the limits of "harmless flirting" are.

I'd think that after 4 months of being with somebody, this would be a case of pleading ignorance rather than genuine misunderstanding. But that's just me.

I actually considered writing that he was ignorant, but I am not sold on it. In any case, ignorance often has his basis in misunderstanding, so maybe we are both right.