help! I'm in love with my 'friend'

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Hi,

I've been away from the site for a long time.. tend to obsess about something for a while and then completely loose interrest for a nother while. Guess thats normalaround here heh heh.

Anyway. I have a friend who's a girl (I'm a guy), we dated for a while when we were about 18 and now we're mid thirties. Neither of us are currently in a relationship and actually we're both having problems finding a partner.
My problem is I never stopped loving her since she broke up with me when we were 18. We've been really close friends ever since and I now live far away from her but we see each other when we can (coupple of times a year) and we talk alot and on the email etc. We have a really deep 'connection' that we both could probably call soul-mates.
Once many years ago we slept together but it was abit awkward (I thought at least, but my judgement is impaired!) and nothing more came out of it and we havent really spoken about it.
I'm madly in love with this girl and whenever I meet her I feel like I'm lying or something because I havent told her how I feel. I can't think straight when I'm in the same room as her, I bump in to stuff and I get a headache after an hour or so, also my voice changes and I get a dry mouth (adrenaline I think).... argh.
I've had lots of opportunities to 'make a move' but I allways chicken out. It will be too awkward if she doesn't feel the same. I can't tell her I've had a crush on her for 15 years....... can I?
What should I do?? I'm scared witless of just sitting her down and telling her. We've been going out a few times lately (as friends) and now we're going to a massive party for newyears eve.
What if I tell her and she freaks out? I don't want to loose a friend. She's a very understanding person though and well grounded etc.
I could also tell her I'm a self-diagnosed aspie (which I have told no-one), and then tell her I'm having problems with flirting and signalling and that I love her and need to know how she feels...? how would that sound?
Or should my strategy be to get a little (only) drunk on newyears and then 'make a move' and if she gets freaked out then I can blame it on being 'drunk' ?
Would just liketo get some feedback on this. Also from some NT girls if there are any reading this. Thanks...

Don't know whether you should or not, but please, please don't get drunk if you're going to do it. I speak from very embarrassing personal experience. If you're socially awkward sober, you're likely a bit worse when you're drunk. Good luck, I really hope she likes you!

Thanks.
Actually I get more outgoing and social when I'm drunk (except when very drunk). Someone (a girl) recently told me it was strange that I was a total introvert when sober but 'positively outgoing' (her words) when drunk...
I guess if I tell her when I'm drunk theres an overwhelming possibillity that she will attribute it to me being drunk and think I'm not serious...hmmm...

When reading the thread title and the poll I initaly was going to tell you to leave it be but reading the backround I think you should go for it. The two of you have stayed in contact so long for a reason.
When you say you live far appart how far? a few hours on a train or the other side of the country?
you are in your mid 30's and you have been crazy about this woman for ages I say go for it.
If it works out you get to be with a woman who you obviosly have deep feelings for and if it doesnt you lose a friend who you only see a few times a year anyway. have a few drinks but dont get druk a few drinks certinaly helps me i socal situations but I become a bit of an idiot when drunk.

Dude.

I have news for you, your own senses are keeping you from letting do what you think is right.

I reunited (in the friendship sense) with an ex-bf of mine, earlier this year, after he divorced his wife and came out of psych treatment and was having a hard time. Things were lovely for a while, but when he told me he still had sexual/romantic feelings for me, and I told him I didn't, things went sour very fast. He began ignoring me and fell out of touch. So unless you are willing to accept her saying she does not feel the same way, or, unless you think the friendship alone is resilient to withstand a proclamation like that, which isn't reciprocated, I would be very careful about what you say to her.

This ones tough and yeah, a situation like that would really make me cringe - you have something going as friends and you don't want to lose that but at the same time you don't feel like your really being honest with yourself if you don't at least convey your feelings or let her know you want to get back together.

I think the best advice I can give, first of all, don't tell her you've had a crush on her for 15 years - that's flipping over a LOT of cards at once and that's something better left for if you actually do get back together to tell her maybe a few months into the relationship. What I'd try to do is be really artful about saying what you want to say without words, you know, make a scenario that says it all. I don't mean bring her back to your house and have a big poster board or a romantic meal waiting - way too heavy and suggestive. What I mean is...well, you know how they play it in movies? How when someone is trying to get something this momentous and akward out they play mainly off of emotional tangents or say the right key phrases at the right time that have a lot more meaning to them esoterically than just in their general use rather than just saying things in a completely direct or literal way? That's kinda what I mean, really try to show her what your feeling but in a way that also says that you still don't want to scare her off as a friend, just that you want to know if she's feeling that herself and if she is that you realize your both getting older and that its one of those things that neither you nor her want the regrets of what would happen if you'd never followed through on this at all.

Here's something else to consider - your best friends, you have been for a long time, but with her going on with her life as well as yourself isn't it pretty rare for exes to stay in contact that long? Its one thing if she or you were dating and serious with a mutual friend and that you were in contact through them but on your own is a little different. It could be that she had been waiting either some changes in you or maybe changes in herself, that a part of her wants to be with you and its enough to where she has enough hope invested that she still wants to keep a line of communication opened for when that day may ever come that you guys would be on the right footing? I can't say all that's true for sure but all things aside I get an impression almost like your her first choice but even if she did like you right now there's that odd feeling like you've friend-zoned each other pretty hard and that's also an uneasiness that you both have to break and the more painlessly and nonchalantly you can break that while still showing her that your legit about it the better.

I strongly feel you should tell her that you've *recently* had a thing for you. If she doesn't feel for you back, but she's a good friend, she won't run away. Then, in 2 weeks time, you can say you're over it, and you were just a bit confused. If it does work, you can always later tell her that you've really always loved her.

Trying to suggest it without words would not be a good stratergy. It won't be any less awkward for her, and you'll probably screw it up since you're an aspie.

It's probably best to tell her you're an aspie later, rather then slamming her with too much at once.