Female single perspective

Post Reply New Topic

There seem to be a lot of posts here from youngish men, who are embarrassed about being a virgin, and seem to want to get a girlfriend and/or have sex. There is a lack of understanding about women (sorry to generalise genders, but this is the impression I got): that women have it easy, and that women don’t recognise “nice” men.

It is extremely lonely being a single woman. I can get “hit on” by drunken men if I go out to the right places. I could get sex. Very occasionally, a guy may even decide he’ll ask me on a date or ask me to be his girlfriend. But I – and I imagine other people, mainly girls, but guys too maybe – don’t want sex! I want a relationship. And not just to agree to settle for someone because they can’t get any other girl. People in real, adult relationships fall in love. Or at the very least they form a comfortable companionship with someone who shares their worldview. They find someone who is special and who thinks they are special. They go through sharing life with this person, maybe raising a family. (Biological clocks ticking too).

Being offered sex does not even come close to this type of relationship. For one thing, if a stranger hits on you, he’s not saying you’re special – it’s understood he’ll move onto the next person of the right age/gender if you say no, with no regrets for you. Even if a guy who only vaguely knows you asks you out, if it’s obvious he’s only doing this because he wants a girlfriend for his own status/self esteem, and not because he’s genuinely picked you out above others, wants you to be a priority person in his life and he to be your priority, wants to make you happy – if it’s obvious he’s just desperate and thinks you’re in his league when he knows and cares nothing about the real you, then it’s clear the “relationship” will be a charade. A joke of a real relationship.

People don’t fall in love because of looks/money/flirting skills. There’s an intangible reason that makes some people click and others not. You can’t make yourself fall in love or make someone fall in love with you.

I don’t understand why I never click with anyone – no potential partners, no close friends, I don’t have close relationships with family. But I recognise what I’m lacking. It’s terribly lonely. Reading this forum has made me feel worse because it feels like I’m being told that if someone will sleep with me occasionally then the pain of not having a family or life partner is nothing.

Please come out of the woodwork if you feel this way too. I don’t mean to imply everyone who’s posted here has expressed this view of women, or that men can’t feel this way too, but it is a pattern in the posts I have noticed.

While i understand completely what you're saying, ill just say that for someone who cant even get crappy sex let alone a relationship it gets to become a status symbol of how pityful they seem to be. They value it more because they cant have it.

I think there are several problems.

First, it seems as if you think you have to fall in love before starting a relationship. I don't believe that's the case. There needs to be some initial attraction or interest, but the way you write about it, it sounds like you think you need to be in love before even agreeing to see someone. If that was the case, there'd be no need for dating/courtship in the first place.

Second, looks/money/flirting skills are often what begin relationships...the falling in love happens during the course of said relationship, not before. "Clicking" with someone means having that interest, that attraction, that potential. It doesn't mean falling in love before even saying hello.

Third, you aren't even willing to give desperate guys a chance, seeing as you feel both of you would be "settling," which is a bit self-righteous and hypocritical of you given your own predicament.

And fourth, the Cinderella fairytale is BS. Maybe you still believe it and you're using a fictional ideal as an excuse not to date.

So, no, I can't feel sorry for you. It seems as if you've chosen your lot in life, whereas most of the guys here complaining haven't chosen theirs. And if you can't see that, then that's also part of the problem.

That's it. It's a bit sad when you see other women having healthful relationships and men only want you for sex, and they are not polite when they ask you because they don't want to lose time, as it's only a one night stand. There is a saying here were I live related to desperation of some men to get sex, in fact, these men say this saying a lot; "During war, all kind of holes can be used as trenchs", there is a worst one but I don't know how to translate it. This is not something that can improve your self-esteem because they are desperate to get laid.

There are some men that will never understand you because sex is a priority for them and they think one night stand helps everyone in every situation, and that's not true. In fact, sometimes one night stand can make you feel more lonely. I'm not a woman that enjoy one night stands, they are a nightmare for me because I need to know the person. I'm not comfortable with a unknown person touching me . If there are people that can't understand that feeling, then they are being selfish. Not every person needs and feels the same.

I have approached 7 guys and I have been rejected, sometimes they were very rude. Then I came to this forum and I felt really bad, because I want to be understood and supported but then I read about "being a woman has to be cool, they get laid easily and can have a lot of partners".

the translated version is every hole is a goal.

Also you keep disowning one night stands as if it was so evil to ask for one. They havent forced you to say yes or participate. live and let live.

you were rejected by 7 guys. Honestly most guys get that many rejections per day. And that goes from the womanizers to the virgins. I think you fail to understand the ammount of women most guys have to approach for just about anything to happen.

Last edited by MXH on 21 Oct 2012, 5:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

You're not the only one, not by a long shot.

I have said previously that being offered sex is nowhere near a genuine offer for a relationship.
Being used because you have a hole in the right place (sorry to put it crudely) is completely and utterly different than somebody who actually wants to be with you because of who you are.
Just like a girl using a guy for money is meaningless - the two are comparable - most guys here would not put up with that despite their complaints - and if they would then they would simply use a golddigger or a hooker (not intended to invalidate, simply logical).

I do get hit on and offered sex when I go out to particpate in my interest.

On the occasion, I have someone offer a relationship - but they have no real idea of what they mean. They want the *idea* of what they think a relationship would be with me... which is something that does not exist, not me as a person.
They do not realise how a woman with AS thinks and get angry or disappointed when they discover that you are not NT and do not act like one - or that you are incapable of basic things that they consider a woman "should" do or be. Even when you have never hid it from them, they get over it eventually and blame you for it.

Only once have I had someone offer a relationship and truly mean it because of the person that I was.

I should note that dating for me is simply the stage of getting to know someone.
A relationship would be an agreement between both parties to be exclusive, for reasons that were mutually agreed upon.

It's interesting that you said that you never "click" with anyone, yet you realise what you are lacking - I can certainly relate to that. I felt the same way for many years, although I do not get lonely, mostly because I have an inability to feel lonely. But it doesn't stop the feeling that I am "missing" something, even if I can't put my finger on what it is - there just seems to be space there instead. But certainly the feeling of not belonging can be difficult, especially if you do not have family or friends or someone else that you feel you "belong" to - which I expect makes your situation perhaps more lonely than it would otherwise be.

The invalidation that oes on in this sub-forum towards women is indictative of many things - but because of that attitude that is prevelvant on here that you mentioned, most women do not post about their romantic issues or questions here because those who know this sub-forum, know that much of what will be posted in response - even most of it - will be invalidating and not helpful at all.

Be warned that it will probably happen on this thread too - some people are not going to respect your wishes or the purpose of this thread and wll simply use it to further their own agenda.

Last edited by Kjas on 21 Oct 2012, 5:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

You weren't on my dates, you have no idea about what happened. You always defending males without knowning the situation.

Actually in case you havent noticed, i mostly defend women. but i do put a limit onto how much bias a post can have before i jump on it. An attacking attitude because you're not confident in talking it isnt going to take anyone anywhere



i agree, but the way i see it theres only two ways to go about the issue.
- not do anything about it, as its currently being done
- Making the threads, and portraying as much respect as the poster wants to recieve. Cycles break easily if tried.

You've pretty much misread her entire post.

You quoted her saying: "People in real, adult relationships fall in love." How could you possibly construe that as saying you have to fall in love before starting a relationship?

Looks/money/flirting skills tend to start bad relationships. Good relationships are started based on compatibility of mutual interests and as she said, similar worldview. Settling for someone is a bad idea. Why? Sure, you have a relationship, but if it isn't really what you want there's going to be problems. You can't force it to work, not when the idea of a relationship is to be with someone exclusively in the long term. And if you're desperate, then that just means you're happy to enter what will be a doomed relationship just because you trick yourself into thinking it's your only chance at a relationship and you can make it work. But it won't work, it just won't. I know you won't take my word for it, but when you end up settling for someone, you'll learn it the hard way.

What she described isn't a Cinderella fairytale, it's a set of criteria that can be a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. Yes, I'm single too and women DO have more options than men do because of social traditions, I get it. What you need to do is get into the mindset of improving yourself to meet the standards of the women whose qualities you appreciate the most. After that, things will take care of themselves because obviously women only have so many options themselves when there's as many women out there as men. Saying "boohoo why won't women lower their standards for me?" isn't going to fix your loneliness.

To the OP: I think one mistake women make is looking for men in the wrong places. You might want to think about what you value in a relationship, and then there should be social groups whose members match what you're looking for. For example, if you're looking for someone intelligent, hanging around the bars all the time might not be as efficient as joining a book club.

Well, I don't know why I have to tell those details to prevent criticism and skepticism MXH. And I was not attacking.

thats not what i said, im talking about making a thread. Not about you having to own yourself to your previous post

Sorry, I have not understood your last comment. My English, you know.

What im saying is that if you dont feel like you can post serious things in here instead of just attacking people for it you should try to break the ice and do it anyways. Chances are if sufficient women do it then there wont be a stigma.

I was not attacking, I was giving my opinion, I said "some men", not "all men"! !! That's attacking?? I was talking about my experience with men that you don't know.

So I'm not being serious? Who is belittling now? I was being sincere about something that makes me sad in real life.

this is what i mean by attacking.
and i didnt say you werent serious, so please stop that useless rambling. I said you dont feel you can post something serious. As in like you said not being able to talk around here.

I think you misread mine.



Quote the whole thought, "People in real, adult relationships fall in love. Or at the very least they form a comfortable companionship with someone who shares their worldview. They find someone who is special and who thinks they are special."

I didn't literally say she meant people fall in love first. But in reading the post, she does indeed seem to have it backwards. There is a sentiment of these relationships being ready-made. How do they form, how do these people "find" each other...she doesn't seem to be willing to partake in the very finding process itself.



The looks/money/flirting are part of the dynamic, and not limited to bad relationships. If you haven't learned this yet, I feel you're still a bit young or very naive. Or playing dumb.



There are indeed aspects of the Cinderella fairytale in the idealism of her post.



That's not what I said at all. I was commenting on the OP's post, not complaining about my life. If that's what you took away, then I don't think you even comprehended what I was saying.