Senior with relationship problem seeks feedback.

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Hi, all. I’m a senior. I’ve been diagnosed as having Aspie characteristics. I’m in a rather unique relationship with a lady near my own age who is probably an NT. We have problems, and I’d appreciate any constructive feedback.

My typical Aspie traits that translated into ways in which I had been failing the relationship are, from the top, lack of sociability, unwitting discourtesy, long-windedness, naivety, perfectionism and anger. I received a bit of a jolt recently from Her Ladyship, and it made me figure out ways of handling most of my problems. I think I may be stuck permanently with the naivety and, for now, the perfectionism.

However, even though I’ve figured out ways to make myself more acceptable, as everyone knows it takes two to tango and she’s not perfect either. And as everyone also knows, you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. So, my primary difficulties with my lady are that she’s impatient, and a bit common. Two little words, with such a multitude of spin-offs. I’ve been tolerating her lack of refinement for fifteen years and could possibly go on as I started, but the impatience is another thing. It has so many side-issues. She’s hasty, slapdash, abrupt, off-handed, brusque, insensitive, and unsympathetic, amongst other things.

And so I’d appreciate thoughts from any of you on how I might learn to love those characteristics. Plus perhaps her coarseness, while you’re about it.

Some people might just throw up their hands and say ‘Too hard. Why don’t you just separate?’ Simple, really. We can’t. We’re inextricably linked by a joint financial obligation regarding the house we live in. And neither of us can buy the other out nor manage financially alone.

Edit – whoops, I forgot something. She won’t discuss her thoughts and feelings. How do you ever find out—on a day-to-day basis rather than wait for the explosion—when you’re doing something wrong, if you’re not told?

Sorry, I can't help you. I'm a young single swinger.

For her abruptness or harshness, maybe there is some humour in it? I've a friend who is like that - she is very abrupt and hard to translate. Sometimes it sounds like horrible sarcasm, other times it sounds like she is making a joke. I tend to just except it and realize she isn't "sugar" coating anything. I figure there are words and words can convey the truth of the matter in many different ways.

Any possibility of getting her to go to couples counseling? Can you ask her to chill out for a moment and talk about things? Can you ask her how she feels about things instead of allowing her to build up steam over time and then explode on you?

Here's an idea to play with - you are each the other's mirror. What annoys you most about her is your own shortcoming, buried so deep in your shadow that you don't see it. As outrageous as it may sound, take it as a given that you have one of those traits. And thinking about it, consider not *whether* you are ___, but *in what way*.

Right now, I'm very glad to be in Canada where you can't bop me on the noggin.

But really - it might be worth a bit of experimental thought.

Edit - LOL! I just noticed my avatar doesn't match my message. Nothing intended!

Corvus
Thanks for the input

Ticker
I'll see what I can do with your idea

Hi, Teacher

Who IS that woman?

Julia Roberts? Nah, wrong coloured dress. Emmeline Pankhurst? You tell me.

Seriously, it’s not the first time I’ve heard about our mirrors. I came across it about twenty years back – long before I’d ever heard of AS. And I believe it too, and understand it. But as for knowing how to make it work for me - ? Is it possible that if I overcame, for example, my own brusqueness, magically she’d reform too? Wow!

Y’know, a person might almost swallow this whole mirror thingy holus-bolus were it not for just one small point. Pretty well anything one reads about AS tells us that, for example, we’re naïve or pedantic or passive or unwittingly discourteous or social pariahs; does this mirror concept then mean that all those characteristics (which are, according to the gurus, inborn) are really only a reflection of someone else? Rather puts Tony Attwood, et al, out of a job, one might postulate.

Didn’t mean to rain on your parade, it’s just the way my twisted little mind works.

Btw, I have quite recently infested another AS forum with my brand of insanity, and there also the most sense has come from a Canuck. Not being one to believe in coincidence, I looked for another reason. (Thinks) Aha! It’s winter over there. You’re all snowed in, suffering cabin fever, and looking for things to occupy your minds. No?

Julia Roberts, LOL LOL LOL !

That's Mother Jones, the Miners' Angel, the Mother of All Agitators. Here's her bio, if you like -

http://tinyurl.com/wq4cq

Thanks for your kind remarks re Canucks - Mother Jones was temporarily a Canuck (Toronto) too, by way of Ireland, but she spent most of her life in the USA. um, I'm a little obsessed about Mother Jones, must stop ...

Where were we? Oh, mirrors. Theory is worth the air its printed on. Try it out, maybe?

For example, you know what really bugs me? People who keep me waiting. I mean, if you said you'd be here at x o'clock, the very least you could do ... blabbidy blabbidy. And if I check very carefully - I'm never on time. But I don't see that right away. At least, not the first time I looked at it.

The only point is, what if this is a useful tool?

You used aspie aspects as an example - well, no, I don't think that would be mirrored. Any more than my being female, or my age ... oh! I just remembered my grandfather. He was 5'6" tall. When he described other men, they were all "about my size." I'm no psychologist, I don't know if that's a good example or not.