Apologising

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First off, I recall seeing a very similar thread here but I can't find it. So if my questions have been answered here previously, please give me a link. I don't even know if this is the right forum.

Here's the deal: In my last couple of years of high school (about age 16-18) there was a girl in my class that I got on well with. (I'm male BTW.) I mean, she was a classmate, maybe even a friend, that's what I thought anyway. So one day on the way out of school a good friend of hers talked to me, told me I was "not noticing signals" and offered to give me her phone number. Of course, being the shy loser that I was (and still am) I didn't call her, partly because I thought, well, if she liked me she'd just tell me, right? (Turns out I'm wrong; that's not how it seems to work on this planet.) This was preceded by that very same friend of hers asking me a month or so earlier if I had a girlfriend. Another signal I suppose, didn't connect the dots until much later. Note that the way high school works here is that the same group of students stays in the same classroom for the entire day (or half-day) and teachers come to your classroom, not the other way around.

A year or so later on a three-day school trip we (or I) were finally pressured into talking to each other in private. Of course everything I said came out wrong and really different from what I wanted to say, overly formal speech and all that. All in all, judging from her behaviour it must have been something like a flat-out rejection. Not at all what I felt, I really liked her (still do). And again, being the incredibly shy loser that I was I couldn't muster the courage to rectify the situation. She's kinda shy too (not nearly as much as I am, though) which didn't help either. We lost contact not very long after school.

Fast-forward five years, we're both 24 and I found her contact info (by chance, via her university). So I write her and what do you know, she's eager to see me. Regardless of what happens from here on, I do feel that I owe her an apology. She's one of the kindest persons you can meet after all.

So what should I do? Nothing? (Most likely choice; did I say that I'm shy?) Apologise for being an as*hole? Say "you see, I'm kinda autistic but not really, just a bit, and that's why I'm so weird"? Probably sounds like a very cheap cop-out to most people.

I've since learned to mask my shyness and that formal speech thing is mostly a thing of the past as well. But it's all show really. I'm still not comfortable in social situations.

Wow, that's way too long. Anyway, thanks for reading. Sorry if it's more like an unintelligible rant, English isn't my first language.

Maybe you can just talk about it, or maybe a note or e-mail would be easier? You've got to be careful not to appear too needy (as most girls hate that), and obviously you don't want her running for the hills convinced you're weird.

How about just saying, "I'm sorry I messed up talking to you way back in .........., I have trouble talking about things which matter to me, sometimes. Hopefully I'll make more sense this time!"

It's not too specific and it doesn't sound too grovelling. Plus it ends on a positive note.


I swear I should be paid for this kind of advice.

You could just except that 4 years have passed and you both want to see each other.. I've a person I would love to see.. I'd apologize for crappy decisions I made (feelings taint that decision processing) but its water under the bridge.. you both want to see each other so go from there.. The past is finished and its over and she obviously isnt look for an apology.. She's looking for something else..

Unless it comes up, I wouldnt worry about it but I'd suggest you focus on the 'now' with her, instead - it'll be enjoyable

I'm not really afraid of appearing needy (which I'm not at this point), quite the opposite. You see, I have troubles conveying and recognising emotions. I think she knows perfectly well that I'm weird . Hard to hide really.
I should also point out that it's really her who keeps saying that she wants to meet me and not vice-versa (we're both rather busy right now).


Yeah, something along those lines. I'm not really thinking about myself here, I'd just like to apologise. The way I behaved back then must have seemed awfully rude to "normal" people.


Sure, drop by and collect your money . *counts money* ... well, how about a beer if you make it here?

Oye vey, oye vey, oye vey.

THis is all muddled up cause of the fact that you didn't recgonize the signals mate.

my advice...............my advice. Tell her you're sorry and admit that you like her, and if she rejects you, then she rejects you and no harm done.

thats the best i have to offer.

It was a "mock ego" joke but hey, where do you live? I could do with somewhere far away to visit when I eventually decide to have a proper breakdown and vanish from the UK!

I'm in Austria, not far away at all - a daytrip, if that. I'd look for somewhere tropical to vanish to if I were you But that's just me, I don't like winter. But we've been having a bit of a heatwave here recently so there's hope... Not good for the ski resorts though.

But I did spend a couple of days in Sussex this summer

Well, If I was that lucky, I would try to see her and tell her the truth!

1. Tell her you just didn't pick up on all the signals.
2. You're shy.
3. You sometimes use overly formal speech when you are nervous.
4. With all that, you figured too much time had passed and she wouldn't be interested.(Put the last part a better way though)

If you mention AS she might tie that to autism, and unless she knows you she might get the wrong idea. Maybe try to tone the speech down, and work up from there. Otherwise she might feel nervous, or feel that you are arrogant or something. If you do it slowly, maybe she'll learn some things and appreciate you more.

Steve

Oh really, where? A nice bit, I hope!

(Sorry about the tangent, people).

Hm... It was just on my way west along the coast. I absolutely suck at remembering place names but I stayed mostly around Brighton/Hove. That would be East Sussex I believe? Oh, and I really liked Hastings (I think I remember that one because of its historic significance.) Don't remember too much of what West Sussex is like but I did like the beaches .

That reminds me of something: How to annoy an Englishman #1656: "So you are from Coventry? That's near Manchester, isn't it?"
(Yes, I really did say that, I was that clueless. Now I know better)

The coastal towns are nice in the Summer, but they look a bit grey and weather-beaten in the Winter! I think I like the rural areas most of all - there are lots of interesting little villages tucked away here and there, and it's always nice to find one by accident.

I wouldn't worry about the geographical comment too much - this is a very cramped little island and there is a lot to learn! I feel sorry for visiting Americans who must view the whole country as being "local" in comparison to home.

Thanks for your thoughts. I will definitely see her within the next couple of days. Like I said, she said that we should meet, not vice-versa. We're just trying to figure out when we both have time.

She definitely know that I'm shy - remember, we spent four school years worth of half-days together in the same room. What she may not know is just how many gestures and facial expressions I can't recognise. Heck, I didn't know that myself for most of my life.

That's what I really want to communicate; that I didn't behave the way I did because of anything she did and that I didn't mean to be rude.

It just seems like a guessing game to me and everyone except me knows the rules. That's true for life in general, come to think of it.

Oh, and nobody here knows what AS is, they'd have to look it up. Ironic, considering that Asperger actually lived and worked in my city .

A lot to learn indeed - and not only geography. There's a seemingly endless number of different dialects. I understand most of the dialects in England but there are some Scottish dialects where I really have to concentrate if I want to understand anything at all.

You guys don't make it easy for foreigners, that's for sure .