My ideal partner has no family

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I just came to realize this. My ideal girlfriend / wife / whatever has no family. Preferably no siblings and either dead parents or no contact to them (if there has to be one, I'd rather put up with a mother than with a father), no close ties to cousins, uncles and aunts, and no ex-husband with kids. I know it sounds selfish, but I absolutely HATE the idea of having to put up with folks I don't know and that'll judge me, try to fit me into their family or spend time with me to "get to know me better". Friends are fine, she could have plenty for all I care. Maybe it is because I come from a family without close ties, but I am certain it does have to do with my AS. What is your oppinion on that matter?

My boyfriend is very close to his family, but they all know I have autism, so, they fully understand when I don't want to interact or even necessarily be in the same room.

Now his friends are a different matter... Even when they are aware of my Asperger's, they try to talk to me and seem insulted if I don't respond they way they like, but he has never told me to behave differently or that I have embarrassed him. He understands and that's all that matters.

I feel exactly the same, I *hate* meeting peoples parents, especially girlfriends because there is so much BS expectation placed on your head and I never feel like Im good enough. All my past girlfriends families have hated me, most likely because i get so nervous when Im forced to meet them that I end up saying stupid things without realising or just acting like a ret*d. But then I guess Ive only ever gone out with NT women, maybe I should go after an aspie girl, whose parents might be a bit more understanding. But yeah, going out with a girl whos an orphan would be awesome (that sounds horrible when said out loud )

It only sounds horrible if you don't understand the motivation behind it. NTs would interpret it to mean that you selfishly hope that your future partner has suffered bereavement and is all sad and lonely with no one to turn to in the world. But I understand what you mean, and identify with it.

I kind of wish my boyfriend didn't have a family. It isn't that they are bad people. It's just that they keep popping up out of the woodwork and don't understand me. They say I am nice but quiet and then ask questions about me like I am from another species. My boyfriend says it will wear off if we spend more time together but it hasn't.

My partner has an absurd amount of family, but his mother was a foster carer for many years and knows a lot about aspergers, autism, etc., and is very accommodating, so are most of his siblings. I really don't get on with one of them but there's not much that can be done about that.

I'll admit to having some pretty negative experiences with in-laws... my ex-wife's mother never wanted her daughter to marry me in the first place ("not good enough") and worked diligently to break up our marriage for over 10 years... until eventually succeeding completely.

Well, thank you all for your contributions... it seems like there is some relation between my aversion of possible in-laws and my AS.

My ideal partner would have no family AND no friends.
Ok maybe he can have a couple of close friends, but that's it.

Actually, he can have family but I don't want to have anything to do with them.
I don't want to go to their thanksgiving dinner, siblings' weddings, birthday parties, baby showers, etc, etc...

Wow that does sound awful, doesn't it. Good thing I'm not looking for anyone to marry.

I think this is one of the reasons why us folks with AS tend to be misunderstood and perceived as selfish and rude at times... I can understand that if I was "normal" and told someone I'd hope a potential partner doesn't have a family and that her parents are either dead or she isn't close to them... without knowing the intention, it is an awful thing to say and it does sound cruel. I guess this is with many things we say and do out of the sole reason that we fear to get hurt and abused. Of course, I do not wish anyone's parents or family any harm, but the fear of them being hurtful to me or seeing me as some kind of freak disabled person that is not good enough for their daughter/niece/sister/whatever because "I don't live in the same world" as they do is just... I don't know, I don't mean any harm to anyone, I just don't want to be harmed myself.

Your robbing your future kids of grandparents though.

Some girl's parents like me for some reason. Usually girls that don't like me, their parents will find me interesting or whatever.

Considering how abusive my boys' grandparents are, that could still be a good thing.
(The good gp's are all dead, the live ones are abusive and mean... How fair is that?)

30, Single, and looking!
Requirements: Only ME in your life. No I am NOT a control freak!

I have mixed feelings on this one. On the one hand, I've had some nighmarish experiences with mothers of ex-bf's. I also don't have close relationships with any family members myself, so it would be nice to feel on equal footing with someone. On the other hand, though, it would be nice if at least one of us in the relationship grew up in a functional family and wasn't all screwed up.

Last edited by blueroses on 18 Oct 2012, 5:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And I thought I was the only one.

I don't want to deal with in-laws either.

My only issue is she'd have no one to talk to if we were in a rough patch.

For me, the reason I wouldn't want inlaws though is that when I have to divide my attention and/or love between several different people, I feel that my attention and/or love is cheapened and meaningless. Hence why I don't want kids (though she could probably sweet talk me into having one - preferably a boy).

Terrible analogy here but I was always awful at the game Whack-A-Mole because I couldn't focus on multiple objects moving up and down but when there was only one object to hit, I would never miss it.

There's something wrong with me for using an analogy involving hitting things on the head to compare to dividing my love and/or attention between several people.