Matchmaking and arranged marriages.

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Like several people I have difficulty forming romantic relationships (not that it helps that I have a set of standards that adhere to my personal religious and moral views that are not common). Is it appropriate to ask for help in setting up a relationship from one's parents? It seems like it would be easier to have the start of the relationship arranged for you so that both parties have a similar goal in the relationship. I have tried the online site OKCupid, but I was mostly messaged by creepy older guys, and I never knew if a guy was honest or not (although they do not know that about me either), but I more cautious after one brief abusive relationship so I would rather have a trusted person (say my dad etc.) be able to vouch for a guys ok-ness.
Is this reasonable or just wishful thinking?

I dont see why not? If your comfortable with asking your parents for help, it sounds like something reasonable to try. You can also try paid matchmaking services but they might be particular about the "type" of people they take. I'd imagine not all aspies would fit the bill for services like that.

I dont personally know much about match-making but it was done a lot in the past. But it seems like marriage/coupling was mainly just a way to continously perpetuate society. The whole romantic notion didnt come into effect until the last century. Before then, marriages were more like business arrangements. You lived, worked together with the person for specific purposes and following through with tradition.

It depends. Are you a member of a culture/religion in which matchmaking is a custom? If not, your parents may be able to introduce you to some people but a real 'match' or arrangement isn't likely to happen outside of an established structure.

I do not come from a tradition of matchmaking, it just seems like a better way to find a trustworthy person who is single, wants a relationship, and serious about Jesus and the Bible.

If you are looking for a Christian guy, there are some dating websites specifically for Christians. Christian Mingle .com is one that I have seen advertised. Just now, I googled it and ran across this article http://christian-dating-websites.no1reviews.com/ which has some more suggestions. I cannot vouch for any of these sites. I only know that they are out there, but I have never used any of them because I am not looking for a relationship.

I have never understood the desire to conform yourself to one label or religion when it comes to looking for a mate. I can understand that in the long run, you might want to make the same moral choices but you end up excluding many people or not giving them a chance because you are closed minded.

Let's just be clear that in countries where arranged marriages succeed, divorces are banned.

religion is a bigger deal when children get involved

Very yes! There'll be a never-ending battle of how you want your kids raised... praying vs. non... mealtimes, what's even considered good vs. bad? You get two religions/belief-systems (including athiesm) clashing, you have some very confused and unhappy kids.

This is part of why I can't find anyone too. As a Christian living in an increasingly hedonistic, atheistic world, it is nigh unto impossible to find someone who shares my beliefs and values and actually lives them. Throw in my social awkwardness and I might as well be on a desert island somewhere.

I don't see anything wrong with wanting someone to have the same religion as you. It's part of who you are.

Different religion couples (including religious and atheist) tend to run into problems planning weddings, having children, all kinds of things.

Sure it can work, but there's nothing wrong with it. To me it's just another part of who you are and wanting someone like yourself. If you were a strict vegan, would you want a partner who eats meat with every meal?

As to the original question, I think it would be weird to ask your parents, but it might be a good idea to ask other people.

I have nothing against it, and in fact, I wouldn't mind a little help from my friends... I just wouldn't want them to try and hook me up with someone à la blind-date without asking me first. That is a kind of intererence with my life I cannot stand. Same goes with arranged marriage... in theory, I have nothing against it, but the practice is another thing. Too many people get forced to marry someone they barely know and into a life they did not choose (and this applies to men almost as much as women).

The problem here is that you don't come from a culture or subculture that does matchmaking. Therefore your parents don't have access to a pool of eligible males. They might know the son of a friend who is single and might be a good match for you. But they won't be able to do anything about it beyond mentioning it to their friend in case the son is interested in a blind date. And even then they are unlikely to be able to vouch for him in any meaningful way. This really needs a cultural framework for it to work.

Your parents might be able to suggest organizations where you would meet somebody who shares your religion. But if they aren't in a matchmaking culture they will not be able to do anything beyond pointing you towards possible men. They simply don't have access to any men who are hoping to meet a wife this way.

One thing they can help with is to advise you on a man you meet and bring home to meet them. (This is common even in non-matchmaking cultures.) Although they won't be able to set up the meeting, they are in a better position than you (hopefully) to spot the red flags of a man who is potentially abusive. Even in cultures without matchmaking, meeting the parents is common.

Most churches/denominations do "singles groups" of some kind or another... a great place to start!

Minus the religion things you sound like my mom(also an aspie). She's commented on the value of arranged marriages in the modern world a ton of times. Of course, it's all lost on me, because I don't intend to get married anytime soon.

Yep, top that off with being an Orthodox Christian and having the Protestants think you worship Mary and getting freaked out by kissing icons and stuff. Oddly enough now, I'd probably find it easier to marry a Catholic, but then finding practicing Catholics (ie, goes to mass more than once a year, puts an effort in to act as though God exists) would probably be just as hard, though as far as differences go in raising kids, it seems more of a North Dakota/South Dakota kinda difference. I mean maybe the wife and I will get into giant arguments about the Papacy or something (probably not) but to the kids it'd just be like "I wanna go to daddy's church because the walls have pretty pictures there and there's better food after service." Or on the opposite end, "Daddy's church has services that too long and boring."

I've had people in church tell me today "Yeah, so just go overseas and meet a nice Orthodox girl." And that option is looking more appealing everyday. But hey, there's like...two? girls my age at my church. Tons of selection.And of course I've not talked to them at all due to my insecurities/social awkwardness. Not much going on for Orthodox youth in my state, either, and the three other guys around my age at my church are fairly nerdy, one possibly more nerdy/socially awkward than me in some ways (it seems his Aspie-obsession is Orthodoxy, most hilarious joke I've heard about him, "______ would have the Theophany procession walk around the whole state if he could.")

Anyway, back to the original topic, I know a guy from Pakistan who got his wife from an arranged marriage, they seem to be quite a happy couple. As far as me myself, the only family member I'd be able to ask about hooking me up with a girl is my father. My mother is fairly introverted and shy, and doesn't have many friends, so that's out. My father did try hooking me up sorta kinda once. He tried getting me to talk online with this 18 year old Filipina girl (in the Philippines) when I was like 14 or 15 I think. My dad after the divorce seems to be quite a "player" though, from what I can see. Does VERY well with women for his rather unfavorable circumstances. Heh, could be an option actually, thanks for the idea, OP. I don't know if my dad would hook me up with anyone good or not, though.

But the culture nowadays does make things very hard even if you're like, basically religious, not even like, extremely religious. I think it's going to be super hard to find a "match" at all. I could, if I wanted to, just go get a bunch of one night stands if I wanted, but my religion sort of precludes that, too.

Maybe this topic is bunk, though. It seems nobody like, except religious people really gets married anymore. It seems now the norm is just "Oh you got me pregnant, guess you gotta live with me now." And then many of the marriages that happen are just shotgun marriages. Yay for my generation....

This seems to be the problem (not to mention apparently my dad thinks it is weird). Oh well.

Taking a guy to my dad first is a given, and a personal rule for myself is if a guy wants to ask me out, he needs to ask my dad first before I will go out with him. (As hopefully this will decrease the chances of finding an abusive guy) although I am not sure if guys would think this would be too weird.


That would be bad, this would be because I would like help in finding a potential husband.

The religion thing is very important to me as it is more than a once a week thing, rather it informs many of my ideas and philosophies, and how I approach the world and people. I go to services twice a week, and work with two children's programs but I also put in personal study time almost daily. This would be hard and a likely point of contention if the guy did not have the same background and ideas.


For me personally I would not find a divorce agreeable unless the guy was adulterous or abusive, so this would not be as much of a problem (this is partially a religious thing for me too). It puts more responsibility on each party to get along and work out differences and find compromises, not that this would be easy but your attitude going into the relationship is different.


The problem with ALL dating websites is I do not know how to trust the person on the other end or how to find out if they are trustworthy.