Need help with my marriage.

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My husband has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. However with this realization and diagnosis came the decision that he wanted a divorce. We've been together 15 years (I'm 32) and married half that time. We have two very little children.

He says he just doesn't feel love for me anymore. He still cares about me as a person, he is still attracted to me (I've worked very hard to maintain my figure), we still have a great sex life, and that I am objectively a very good wife/mother. However he still doesn't want to be married to me anymore. He just wants to run away and do the things he enjoys.

He feels there are negative things about me, and that after 15 years, I could not change. Based on this, black and white thinking set in and the only choice was divorce. My issues were that I didn't understand his needs related to his Aspergers. Like how important alone time was and allowing him to take it even though we are a very busy young family. Nor did I understand how much I put him on edge when I got emotional.

I've done a lot of reading and research and have come to terms with my habits and traits that are not conducive to a relationship where one partner has Aspergers. I've been working on myself and I HAVE been able to make chances. I've made many adjustments to our home and routine to accommodate him in the hopes that he would be happier and more relaxed and he has been. These changes haven't even been terribly difficult to make, they just require a new foundation of understanding.

With the Aspergers diagnosis, the library of past hurts and miscommunications were reframed for me and now I feel even happier in the relationship. Unfortunately the diagnosis seems to have the opposite effect on him. He thinks I would be better off with another man. A normal man. This is very hard given my love for him and it hurts to see him still detached from me emotionally. I'm not expecting romance, hearts and flowers from an Aspergers male, but after 15 years together I know what is missing.

I can address the things he needs far better since the diagnosis but I have no idea how to reconnect with a man with Aspergers. After all, there are many guides out there on how to win back a NT male but none that I've found for Aspergers males. I get the feeling that things are not quite as simple as steaks and BJs to make him content in a relationship.

How do I win him back? Reasoning with him thus far has worked better than emotional pleas. There are many good, very rational reasons to stay in the relationship but that has only won me the chance to be here with him (for now). I want to reconnect and win back that feeling he once had for me. How does one do that with an Aspergers male?

the most i can say from what you wrote is ask him for a second chance and show him that you can change those things. steak and bjs can work on the right man, but it seems like this one just wants a logical commitment. So make a plan of things to change and work on getting that done.

It seems like you are putting a lot of work into your relationship and into understanding your partner and his needs. No effort you could make could succeed if he isn't putting in effort as well.
It also sounds to me like he's dealing with some depression (a common comorbid of asd) or at least a negative self image. Is he seeing a counselor/therapist/psychologist? If not maybe he should. (unless his "you should be with a normal man" routine was just to try to push you away without hurt feelings)

You can't maintain a situation where you have to go above and beyond just to be allowed to stay with someone who won't let you in.
and
he has children, as much as he may want to just run away and do what he wants, the time for that ended when he became a father

I don't know what you should do. It seems like a really difficult position to be in.

I would just be straight up with what you've told us, and tell him.

Tell him you want a future with him and just because he's different doesn't change anything besides how you'll respond to some of his behaviour in the future

As it stands right now, I don't think it is completely a one sided attempt to repair the relationship, as I've made a few small very specific requests of him in the context of creating a mutually pleasing home environment (like asking him to say thank you after I do something for him) and he has been making an effort to accommodate me. One of the reasons he believes things wont work is that he feels that he requires a list of compromises from me. Even if I am happy to make changes, he believes this is very unfair to me. He thinks that another man would be happy with me "as is" and that I am short changing myself.

This may be a face saving tactic for him, the "you'd be better off with someone else" line. However, he has never been able to understand why I chose to be in a relationship with him pretty much from the get go. So the negative self image thing could be in play here.

I felt like depression was a possibility as well. However he adamantly insists this is not the case. He tells me he is thinking more clearly than ever before and refuses to address it with a doctor or counselor.

I know so much depends on him now, how he adjusts to this new paradigm and how he feels. I wish I knew what I should do now, just to give things the best possible chance of a turn around.

Last edited by Titania32 on 19 Oct 2012, 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This may come as a shock, but for once we totally agree. For a relationship to work, both people have to put in their full effort. He's also not entitled to run off and do whatever he wants, as he has an obligation to those children (as if the obligation to his marriage wasn't enough?)
A new diagnosis doesn't change who he is - he's the same guy as before the diagnosis, so it shouldn't change his whole world. Sounds like depression to me... wanting the best for his wife but he's convinced he's not it.

I hope he can learn the key of healthy balance - having SOME time to do his favorite things AS WELL as the time necessary to maintain his family.

To the OP, I really hope you guys can make things work - for your sake and, especially, the kids! I hope you can somehow convince him it's HIM you want, not some "better man".


...and many around here know I'd give anything to be in his position! His wife still loves him, and his children are still in his home... he'd be a damned FOOL to give that up to pursue some special interest!

Last edited by BlueMax on 19 Oct 2012, 11:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have been very clear with him that I want to continue the relationship, that I love him and am willing to do the work required to make him as comfortable and happy as he makes me.

I also laid out and described all the benefits of our working things out, in terms of the children, finances, the home we just bought. Every reason I could think of. To accommodate his expressed desire to know all the possible outcomes of his divorce decision, I made a flow chart so he could better understand how his various decisions would impact our lives.

I've make it known that if married, with our combined incomes, we have the ability to do all the things he wants: travel, toys and indulge his hobbies and interests. Were he single, he would struggle to make ends meet. I also gently reminded that there would also be no more sous vide steaks and BJs in his bachelor dream of endless tv, movies and video games. All this does give him pause.

Part of me thinks this is a mini midlife crisis (though he is only in his late 30s). In the last year all the pieces in our life have fallen into place. He got his dream job, and he loves it. We bought our first home, one that he picked out and really wanted. Both of us experienced a significant rise in income and for the first time in our lives together we're actually... comfortable. I think now that he has "made it" he feels a bit like... is this it? Now that he has removed all the irritations of life, like jobs he hated, the stress of university, and our financial struggles, that the only thing left in the picture to change is, well, me.

He as expressed concern that he could be making a mistake here with asking for a divorce but from his perspective things seem pretty doom and gloom. He knows that he is stupid for waking away from such a "good wife", but he says that given the way he feels he doesn't know what else to do.

This is why I am focused in on addressing how he feels, but feel ignorant of exactly how to do so with Aspergers. I need to change that doomed mindset, help him acknowledge how he feels about me and address the midlife if there actually is one. I still believe he loves me deep down--I accept that this could just be my own desperate illusion--I just think he is in a really convoluted place right now.

I edited my post above... he's one lucky S.O.B.

He acknowledges that he is lucky, he says that he has everything that people typically want. However that feeling of deep discontent still rattles him. The grass might be greener elsewhere issue. That out there is a paradise of 100% alone time. Since we got together when young (me:17, him 21) he feels like he never got to be alone and independent. To find himself and be his own man, as he puts it.

Last edited by Titania32 on 19 Oct 2012, 11:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

if that isnt depression idk what is. Especially when you talk oh how he "has newfound clarity" and "wont speak to doctors about it".

He has symptoms of depression, imo. However, I acknowledge they could also be symptoms of stress and other issues in his life right now, given the current circumstances. For his part, he is quite sure of himself in this regard and has been adamant that he is not depressed. He said he may have struggled with depression when he was a young man but he is sure that isn't happening now. He says he feels fine, good even.

I'm in no position to press the issue, unfortunately. I'm simply trying to do what I can to make our home life warm and pleasant for him. What I can to make him feel happy around me and in general. This is pretty much all I can do in the situation and I know it. Hence my finding this site and begging for advice on how to do that task better.

One big problem with depressions is that we do not know when they hit. Depressions come sneaking into our lives, they do not manifest as a flashing sign saying "I am depressed".
With time and experience it is possible to recognize the signs, the more experience the easier it is to feel it.

I think that there might be several types of depression. The depression he had as a young person migt be different from the depression he (might) have now. I think that the outer circumstances have changed so much that it might feel different (I have abselutely no scientific evidence to back this theory, just my own experiences).

"I'm FINE!!"

This denial is extremely common among men because of the negative stigma "depression" carries. Either way, I hope he comes to a decision that works for all...

The "I'm fine" is nearly as bad as the "I don't know why" when I tell him I still love him.

From my experience, and from what I can tell. I think he honestly feels that you are better off with someone else. He's trying to do what is best for you in his mind

You said he doesn't feel love..

Well love isn't a feeling.

It's a choice that can express itself through feeling.

Beyond that, I don't feel like I can add anything relevant.