background
I am a 30 years old, from europe and have not been officially diagnosed with aspergers. I've known my entire life that I am "different" than most people, but I've always dismissed my issues as just being awkward and a bit weird.
My teen years have been hard. I had very little friends and the group of friends I was part of were all people on the lower end of the "cool" scale. Things like holding a conversation with someone I didn't feel "connected" to was a cause of great anxiety, but somehow I managed to get by without anyone ever noticing that there was something very different (or maybe I never noticed others did notice).
As I got older I learned to deal with social interaction and when by the time I turned 20, when I was at ease I didn't have any problems with holding a normal conversation. I have built a nice and safe comfort zone for myself and for the past 10 years I've been sharing an appt/house with 2 male friends. Since they are part of my comfort zone, I can feel and act perfectly normal around them, and they have no idea that there is something different about me, just that I'm "a bit of an oddball".
Since IT and everything computers are my special intrest, I was lucky enough to score a job in that field and after getting past the anxiety of enter a new environment (worklife) I've been doing fine there as well.
New developments
Recently someone on the job has taken a romantic intrest in me. What started off as innocent conversations on the company skype account, has progressed into something more. It might be good to note that I've never actually been in love before. I had a 2-3 week weird thing with a girl when I was 20, but that never progressed past kissing and ended as awkwardly as it started, but I didn;t love her. Love as I see it happening around me and on TV, I had never experienced that.
I've been with escorts a few times, so technically I'm no longer a virgin, but it was awkward and weird. I was scared each time but chose not to care. The escorts expect me to pay, so being insecure and awkward wasn't something I felt I should worry about.
At some point a few weeks ago the girl at work asked if I wanted to go out for dinner, "just as friends" she said. I did feel a bit anxious but agreed to it anyway. We went, I was very nervous and stressed, but somehow managed to hold it together and we had a nice evening. I wasn't completely oblivious to the fact that she was had taken an intrest in me, but I never thought much of it.
The next 2 weeks chatting on skype continued and I too started developing feelings for her. She is a truely remarkable woman, but the more I felt this was more than just friendship, the more anxious I became. I confided to another coworker that I was developing feelings, and he's the one that told me the feelings just might be reciprocal. We discussed our feelings and my anxiety on skype and over the phone and she seemed very understanding. We agreed to go for a drink that weekend.
I was a nervous wreck and considered many times calling it off. I was stepping out of my comfort zone that I've built for the past 10 years. I barely managed to compose myself. we had a drink at a quiet cafe in town, and ended the night in kisses. I had already confided in her at some point that I suspect I may have aspergers but she dismissed it, saying I shouldn't worry and there's nothing wrong with me.
After that night, we talked some more and officially decided on "we're dating". I told her I was still very anxious but she had said may times "we'll take things slow and go at your pace". This was very reassuring to me. However over the past few weeks I've become increasingly worried. Whenever we decide to go do something together outside of work, I get very stressed and anxious. When we kiss it feels blissfull but at the same time I'm shaking in fear. And just when I started to become more comfortable with kissing, she lifted my shirt and touched and caressed my chest. Again, it feels like bliss, and I love it, but I can't seem to shake the anxiety.
Now I get the feeling she mistakes this fear as me misinterpreting my own feelings. She is a passionate woman and wants to express her love the way her gut feeling tells her, by kissing, hugging and touching. She has also told me numerous times sex is very important to her and considers it an integral part of a good relationship.
We talk very openly about my anxiety and insecurities, and every time she tells me not to worry and we'll take things slow. However I fear she still hasn't come to terms with the fact that I *am* different than other people. I *am* insecure, but on top of that I keep feeling scared leaving my comfort zone and allowing the changes a relationship brings. I think she has trouble understanding someone would be anxious and scared over something they DO WANT to do.
I know I can overcome the anxiety and nervousness, but it will take more time than I had previously hoped. I fear that if we do take things further, the anxiety will cause me to shut down. But at the same time I fear that if we take things too slow, I will loose her.
I'm not sure why I'm posting but I guess I'm looking for pointers or advice on how to deal with my anxiety of allowing love into my life and stepping outside of my comfort zone.
20 Oct 2012, 9:02 am
