Needy men

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21 Oct 2012, 5:24 pm

I hear of needy women all the time...but does such a man exist? I never hear of a man who is "needy". Are they usually described as something else? Creeps? Nice guys?

Taverson
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21 Oct 2012, 5:30 pm

I was really, really, really needy in high school.

To the point where I cringe thinking about it.

I still want to be in a relationship but am not planning on being in one.

As I say to my best friend: "I'm going to be forever alone. Unless I'm not."

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smudge
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21 Oct 2012, 5:41 pm

Taverson wrote:

I'm needy too, but I try and hide it. It hurts. I know it's wrong to place expectations on other people, but in order for a friendship or a relationship for me to be worth it - that person would have to want to be around me a lot. Otherwise, I don't really believe in people and I don't trust them. I want ultimate friendships where they would do anything for me. Yes, I know how unrealistic and fairy-tale like it is, but I really don't want anything less.

As for relationships, same thing, but I'm not one of those people who demands texts all the time or even a phone call every day, but I'd want to see the person 2-3 times a week, and receive a phone call every now and again. For some reason the men I date find that too much. There's this guy at college I want to be around all the time, and I don't like it when he talks to the other girls. That's normal though, right? And yes...when I got annoyed while he was talking to those girls, looking back, I cringe too.

Taverson
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21 Oct 2012, 6:00 pm

smudge wrote:

Taverson wrote:

It's not that I don't trust people (I'm probably a little too much on the naive side) but I agree. If I'm going to have a good friendship/relationship, it generally would have to be with people who I could spend time with, be myself with, and get along with - no strings attached or games.

As for friendships where they would do anything for you, it really is unrealistic. Not impossible, but their primary goal shouldn't be to make you feel happy/comfortable. They have lives too.

Doesn't sound like a lot but having never been in a relationship, I can't say that accurately without experiencing that.

In regards to being around someone all the time, it's understandable but you need to learn how to be happy when he's not around. Space is key in a relationship - romantic or not. But I will have to say, there's nothing wrong with talking to other girls. You don't have a monopoly on him when it comes to talking to women. If he was your boyfriend and he was getting too flirty or actually cheating on you, then yes that would be a major issue.

As long as your man doesn't confide more in other females than he does you, it really isn't an issue.

I know exactly how you feel though - most of what you bring up, I felt once and/or still feel today. Not sure when it'll get better, I just know I can't let it shut down the other areas of my life.

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mds_02
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22 Oct 2012, 12:21 am

smudge wrote:

Are they usually described as something else? Creeps? Nice guys?

Pretty much, yeah. I've seen, over and over, men and women displaying the exact same behavior. In women it's seen as undesireable but basically harmless. In men it's seen as evidence of instability and is feared.

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Kjas
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22 Oct 2012, 1:00 am

smudge wrote:

I hear of needy women all the time...but does such a man exist? I never hear of a man who is "needy". Are they usually described as something else? Creeps? Nice guys?

Generally here they are described as "clingy".

The last one who I knew who was like that had NPD so *shrug*.

I think it depends whether or not the cross the line of healthy behaviour.
There is a point where it is not healthy, but is mostly harmless. And there is a point at which is it unhealthy and abusive.

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MXH
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22 Oct 2012, 1:07 am

Id say all people of both genders are clingy towards partners. Otherwise we wouldnt have such a thing as relationships. The problem tends to be when ones need for the other is much higher than what the other wants.

smudge
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22 Oct 2012, 1:28 pm

Kjas wrote:

smudge wrote:

I hear of needy women all the time...but does such a man exist? I never hear of a man who is "needy". Are they usually described as something else? Creeps? Nice guys?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I thought people with that just used people and didn't care. Unless they feed off one person for all of their needs - is that what you mean?

mv
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22 Oct 2012, 1:42 pm

smudge wrote:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I thought people with that just used people and didn't care. Unless they feed off one person for all of their needs - is that what you mean?

Both aspects apply to NPD. They try to feed off of one person for all their needs, but since that's impossible (for anyone), they just move on and move on and move on, not caring who is used up. It's an insatiable need, and it's very sad.

Kjas
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22 Oct 2012, 3:02 pm

mv wrote:

smudge wrote:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I thought people with that just used people and didn't care. Unless they feed off one person for all of their needs - is that what you mean?

That's correct. But in this case it very quickly because abusive. They alienate people so much that they prefer to have one main person, and then still use others for the same purpose. They require one constant person in their life and the rest is a constant stream of new people.

Because so few will put up with them, that main person ends up putting up with the majority of it.

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thewhitrbbit
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22 Oct 2012, 3:06 pm

I've known girls who have dumped needy men.

JRR
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22 Oct 2012, 5:11 pm

They're called "momma's boys" and generally turn you girls off so much that you forget they exist.

If there's one thing a man must know, when it comes to relationships, is that we shouldn't "need" anything. We should work for anything we want and go after it ourselves. Needing is something no man should ever be. It's part of our role in a relationship and relationships will crumble and fall apart without it.

Taverson
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22 Oct 2012, 8:14 pm

JRR wrote:

I reject that philosophy. We all have needs. Regardless of if we are men or women. And I also subscribe to the philosophy that there should be no "roles" in a relationship. As long as there is a mutual love, respect, and a good repertoire of direct communication, then that's all that is needed.

The problem is when we become so locked onto our needs that it becomes an obsession that harms us and possibly others.

Just my opinion.

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ComradeKael
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22 Oct 2012, 8:22 pm

JRR wrote:

I have to play Devil's Advocate here. Who set this standard? And I would argue that 'gender roles' and 'roles in a relationship' are outdated and in a lot of cases sexist. Towards women mostly.

Quote:

It's part of our role in a relationship and relationships will crumble and fall apart without it.

What? What about same-sex relationships? I agree with Taverson predominately. Everyone has baseline needs that have to be met if a relationship is to work and progress further. Perhaps this is a need for sexual intercourse? Perhaps it is a need for stability. It may be a need for irrefutable trust. People have standards; And as long as they are reasonable then I see no reason why someone should not hold themselves to their self-imposed standards. This notion of 'chivalry' is lame. And I would certainly hope that the philosophy that men must do everything extends only to the 'searching for a date' realm. Because if in the actual relationship one holds the philosophy of, "Only men are competent. It's our job to to do everything". That's operating under the presumption that women can't. They can. The sexes (Or lack there of if you are genderqueer!) should be equal.

OliveOilMom
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22 Oct 2012, 8:41 pm

Yep there are needy guys and when they come across as really needy they are seen as weak and many women don't want to date them because of that. They also may seem jealous or obsessive and nobody wants that either.

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aspiemike
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22 Oct 2012, 8:50 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:

Don't think I could have said that better myself.

Neediness will get the girl to never want to talk to you again either, and possibly go crawling back to an ex or someone else who doesn't seem to need them. I also find that if the guy brings up the idea of a relationship first, he will be rejected and will likely never be given a chance with the girl he brought it up to.

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