Male Aspie oppinion needed/contacting my AS crush

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone, please have patience reading this story, for I really really need your perspective on that:)
I'm a NT girl, who has met a guy, who, I finally found out, is an Aspie. Unfortunately, I only found it out after he stopped talking to me.
As I think about our conversations now, I can track his hints on being an Aspie (e.g.being born with clubfoot), but I didn't get them then, of course, because I knew nothing about Aspergers;(
Its a long-distance relationship, so I wasn't able to notice some of differences from NT in his behaviour until we live met for several times.I've falsely qualified his behaviour as a sign of a player,who only wants me for fun, but has no place for me in his life (for he wouldn't mention me in his plans, wouldn't say if hes coming back to see me, wouldn't express any affection in front of our friends, who do know we are not just friends and etc). Had encouters with players several times, so, of course, my "security alarm" was on 100 percent.I asked him straighty why he doesnt hold my hand in public. He wouldnt answer, so I became suspicious even more.
After the last meeting he told me he is having a bad time and lots to do, and stopped contacting me. Before that we used to talk or message each other on Skype almost daily. So having in mind his way of behaviour I started thinking that this vanishing is his way of saying "not interested anymore", which is also common among players and I've also experienced that, so I got really frustrated, for I really like this guy a lot.
A month passed by, I wrote him 3 messages in that time, he would always answer and say he would contact me later, but every time its no sign of him until I would contact him. Last time he promised to write me an email, but he didnt. It p****d me off and I wrote him an email saying that it looks for me like he doesnt want to communicate with me anymore, for its only me interested in initiating the contact, and that he shouldnt have said how busy he is and etc. instead of saying straight he has lost his interest.
He didn't answer my email... I got even more frustrated and sad. Browsing the sites on relationships (how to relieve the pain of rejection, etc.), I found a comment which said that such hot-cold behaviour could be Aspergers. Started doing research on that and realized this guy had Aspergers...and that Aspies can have times of shutting-down because of changes in their lives (he moved that month when he became silent, he also had a big project at work, so my enquires on contacting me could have put some pressure on him). And I just felt really sad when thinking I could have hurt him by saying or doing smth which would be totally OK with NT.
I texted him once more, saying I've done some research on his clubfoot and realised what he was trying to say all that time, and that I understand him and his behaviour much better, and he could contact me on skype or email. No answer again...
So my question is: how likely it is that he is ever answering me? Its already almost 2 months as he is silent. As far as I see on his FB profile, he seems to have good time with his friends back home, so it looks like hes only ignoring me:( Should I try to contact him once more (if yes, how should I approach him to get some kind of answer), or just move on?
On one hand, I realise that as an Aspie he might not know what to say after he has been silent for so long, but on the other hand, I don't think Aspergers should be an excuse for everything you do or don't do;(

It sounds to me like he's probably not going to respond at all. If he does, it'll probably be on his terms, I don't think messaging him too much more would be a good idea. Unfortunately it seems to be a trend these days to just completely cut off contact with someone if you no longer want to see them. I could be wrong, but the fact that you've sent multiple messages and it's been a few months indicates to me that he's not interested. Whether he has Asperger's or not isn't really relevant in my opinion, sure it might affect his actions in person but shouldn't impede his ability to send a quick email!

The behavior he appears to be demonstrating could possibly be he does not know how to handle a serious 1-on-1 relationship. Acting like a "player" lets him avoid the emotional closeness he doesn't know how to deal with. I also feel that a direct approach would be the best. Let him know you are interested in a relationship with him but if you don't receive any encouragement from him, you'll move on.

Thank you both for your insights!
Well the thing is, I'm not sure I want to tell him things like "I'm realy interested in relationship with you" after he was silent for almost 2 months and the last text of mine hadn't changed a thing (I've sent it almost a week ago), because it feels as if I would beg for his attention/affection, whereas he doesn't seem to care. Being an Aspie doesn't ruin persons ability to understand that a certain way of behaviour hurts people. I've done enough, maybe even too much.
Btw, he had a long-term relationship and all of our common friends say he valued it a lot, so I don't think he doesn't know what emotional closeness is.

One possibility is that he is ashamed of some recent set back in his life.
Maybe he lost his job, and doesnt want to talk about it until he finds another job.

And is afraid of being judged as a person of worth, and so cant face you ( because of his own insecurities-not because of you).

Something like that.

That would be a somewhat aspie way to act.

You might ask him in an e mail if everythings allright in his life, and invite him to talk about it.

But be prepared- he might just not be "that into you" like one poster about said( and aspergers is irrelevent).

Or it might be that he cant handle one on one relationships because he is an aspie (as the other said).

Many possibilities. Some aspie related. Some not.

Have you tried asking them if they knew anything about it?

To be more exact: did I ask anything about the past relationship? Or his current situation?
Actually, no, I haven't asked on neither of above mentioned, because I tend to solve relationship issues tete-a-tete, without any third persons involved.
Maybe I should break this principle of mine this time

Maybe I'm just missing something here, but what does his having a club foot have to do with Asperger's?

I was wondering the same thing lol

He made it pretty clear that he will contact you at some point. The way I see it contacting him again would put pressure on him/ make you look clingy. I cant see either of those working well

Iagree, all the extra messages while they would work on a player will send the wrong signals to someone else. At this point you have to go on damage control. Id personally apologize for not respecting his choice to talk later and say hes free to contact you as he wants. If he does, then use newfound information to make progress, if he doesnt, then move on

I don't see forced silence as a good thing in any relationship.

Personally, I think he deserves to know that his silence is hurting you and at least some sort of explanation is in order...

Not really, it's been around for ages, it's called the 2-faced "belgian" way and they use shyness and emotional overload as an excuse to ditch you out of their lives instantly. I'd say it's an easy and fast method, but also an extremely filthy one, it asks a high level of pretention and arrogance from you, but most people seem to not lack on those parts luckily.

Well I read that loose foot muscles indicate a possibility of a spectrum.
I didn"t come to the conclusion he is an Aspie just because of that:D

LOL, my ex was Belgian and he did exactly that. It is a filthy, cowardly way to dump someone.

I really don't understand why it's a fast method though. I kept trying to end the relationship and he kept prolonging it. It was like a dumping that took over a month. How the hell I put up with it is completely out of character for me. I'm ready to get rid of anyone who messes me about, just like that. He prolonged it by making up crap that he was emotionally overloaded!

Sorry, that ^ is about me. I'm still confused about it all, and I want to move on as fast as possible.

To the OP - why bother with someone who goes that silent? To hell with waiting for people - life is too damn short. I kept trying to end it with my ex and finally had to block him in order for anything to make sense. To make you wait and worry like that is an incredibly selfish thing to do. You deserve someone who doesn't waste your time. Aspie or not - you're not a puppet to be picked up and played with whenever *he* wants to play.

Relationships are meant to be 50/50 in effort - and the most important thing is that they should *want* to see you.

Doesn't surprise me at all, we belgians are just known for doing that, to the point foreigners actually make threads about it on expat forums.