Methods, Ways, Ideas, How to Cope with Certain AS Behaviors

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Okay. How can a NT in a relationship with an Aspie partner cope with meltdowns, shutdowns, lack of eye contact, and distance between the two individuals? What are some ways or methods the NT can use to help themselves feel better while the Aspie is for lack of a better term M.I.A.? I find it difficult at time to find the right coping statements for myself when my Aspie partner gets overwhelmed and shutsdown. I am left feeling confused, unsure of what is going on and of course I can't ask him for comfort/reassurance during that time. Does anyone have any advice on how to help myself deal with these moments? Are there certain activities I can do to pass the time, or are there certain things I can do to help him during this time? I'm really trying to make this relationship work . My Aspie partner had a shutdown recently and he actually went to the side of anger rather than just shutting down. He finally talked to me about it which I am so grateful for and I think we are at a better place for now. I know that things are really touchy right now so I need to do what I can to not rock the boat and make things as easy sailing for him as possible. He thinks I am making too many sacrifices and he doesn't like that I have to make them. Honestly, I don't mind. I mean, I love him and when you love someone you love them for everything they are good and bad. I love my Aspie partner with all I am and don't mind changing and making sacrifices for the betterment of the relationship for both parties. Nonetheless, I need advice on ways, methods, anything to help myself cope with things when he just out of the blue tells me to leave him alone especially when I don't understand what's going on. It really hurts when he does this. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me and honestly probably doesn't realize at the time that he is doing it. I don't want to be his trigger for a shutdown or meltdown and neither does he. How can I prevent myself from becoming a trigger yet at the same time still voice how I feel about a situation? Any advice?

Meltdowns are often caused by too much stimuli (noise, bright lights, etc. depending on which affects him) and stressing the brain. The best thing is give him a little time to cool off. View it as a time to go hang with your girls, etc. Sometimes, meltdowns may just be an emotional response of anger or frustration to an event that anyone would get upset at. Help him vent and let it out in that case. Play therapist.

This excellent set of advice. One thing that I would have to add is to make sure that he feels safe talking to you. I'm coming from his point of view right now. My wife often asks me questions, but I feel that I have to lie to her, because I know if I tell her the truth, she will just scream at me.

Be needs to feel that he is in a safe zone and you won't freak out at him for what he tells you, whatever it is. If you do this consistently, and he knows he is safe coming to you, I think he might start to shut down less. The stress that comes from worrying about how your partner will react plays a huge part, and if its gone then there's a lot more room for stimuli before he shuts down.

Also, one of my aspie friends pointed out that emailing as opposed to face to face can be really helpful in communicating.

I don't think there's anything for you to understand at the moment it's happening. He doesn't mean it. It's just overwhelming to him. My husband has started taking note when I start freezing up and withdrawing. We've agreed to stop the conversation or whatever is going on so I'm not pushed into melting down. We'll come back to the subject later or discuss what the episode was all about well after I've come out of that pre-meltdown mode.

Don't know if there's much you can do other than understand and "don't be hurt". I know - easier said than done. My husband's lived with the hurt feelings for 17 years. His hurt feelings have literally evaporated with us finding out I'm AS. He knows I don't do these things on purpose.

Again, stop what you're doing and leave him alone until he's well over the moment. If you're pushing at that moment, you are probably triggering. Talking about it way later hopefully will help you understand him better.

I think when some of this behavior happens just "give it the okay" so to speak and don't challenge it. Aspies can feel rather sensitive when people challenge how they feel especially when they do not know how to handle their own emotions.

I try to figure out what the triggers are and remove or reduce them when ever I can. More often than not it is something small to me that is no big deal to change but it means a lot to him. I also try to see the signs of a meltdown starting and aknowledge it right away and ask if there is anything I can do. For example.. he leaves this small piece of equipment he needs for his job on the end table most of the time even though he knows the 2 year old will take it. When it goes missing he freaks out and can't find it regardless of the fact that her patterns are pretty easy to figure out and it is usually in clear view just in a different place. He also knows in the past I mentioned every time it happened that maybe he should put it someplace else so she wont take it. So he didn't want to tell me it was gone again for fear of getting in "trouble" with me. So he would frantically look for it, not find it, freak out and then tell me but by then he was really upset and even though I found it in about two seconds it took him a while to calm down. So I changed my behavior and started to notice the signs that she took it. I realized he will not be putting it away and she will keep taking it on occasion. So now when I see the signs I ask him... did she take off with something important? He will tell me what she took and discribe it (every time even though I know) I respond with.. don't worry you know I always find it and smile at him. He relaxes a little because he knows I am on his side and it will be found and is only a little panicked because it is lost. I find it and put it back on the end table and tell her not to touch daddies things. That is it. No sense making an issue of it any longer because this is the way it will be. I accept it and figure out a way to make the negative effects last for as short a time as possible. It is mostly about letting him feel safe having what ever feelings he is experiencing without fear of my reaction, solving the problem that is causing it and reassuring him that it is ok.

How does your 2 yr old daughter react to your fiance's meltdowns?

They don't bother her at all. They are very close and she totally has him wrapped around her finger The first 3 months were hard on him. He thought I just "knew" what to do for her. Once I told him it was a guessing game for me too and the more you hold her and take care of her the more you get a feel for it he jumped right in. then for the first 18 months of her life I worked two jobs and after I put her to bed on Monday I didn't see her again until Friday evening. It killed me and she didn't know me but at some point he told me how important her reliance on him was to him. So now we are all good as I just work the one job and we take care of her together but they are bonded the way a mother and child usually are. So she feels secure and loved by him and just knows she was a "naughty kitty" I imagine his meltdowns are not as bad as other Aspies for several reasons. I would more call them shut downs. He was extremely abused as a child and then treated very badly in every single relationship he has ever been in. Looking at some of his behaviors that upset me before I realized he was Aspie I can see how in past relationships his actions were misread and reacted to poorly. But due to his past he is not extremely verbal during these times. when something first happens to upset him he will swear in a louder tone than normal speech but you can't even call it yelling really. Then he just mutters under his breath and looks like he has had the most stressful day ever. It passes quickly for him but I think that is just luck. My son is Aspie too and quiet.. he talks.. he is just not loud, doesn't run around etc... I deal with loud all day so at home I am quiet too. I can be chatty at times but I don't have a loud voice. Recently someone told me I should be a Disney narrator lol. By nature even before I knew he was Aspie I would remove her and help fix what ever she destroyed. Now that I know he is AS I see his stress as it comes on and even if it means I have to set aside my own needs for a minute I make sure I have a soft caring tone to my voice and ask if he needs me to .... what ever I think he needs. Like today. I had to leave for 2 hours. I came home and she looked close to passing out on the couch and he looked like someone ran him over with a steam roller. Although things looked calm I said "not a good day?" She demanded to eat three times and he jumped up and made her something and she took two bites and that was it, dumped milk on his new computer, tried to throw it on the floor (he was finishing edits from last weekends wedding because he has another tonight, transferring all his programs from his old computer to a new one and not giving her his undivided attention) He said she was over tired but wouldn't let him put her down and at that moment she had a dirty diaper so he got up to change it. I could hear them in the other room and she was not making the diaper change easy. I just went in and said, as if I wanted to change that toxic diaper very much lol.. Hey, can I do that and get her down? You need to get ready. Oh, he knows full well what I am doing. He didn't say a word.. just kissed me and went to take a shower. By the time he got out he was fine. I don't let his meltdowns get out of hand for him so they are not bad and don't last long. Although I will say it is better now that I know about the AS. Before that I did not do as much because I felt he overreacted to things. He feels safe and knows he is loved so he can go through the steps to calming down quickly. I don't mean to sound like I am some super awesome person here. I get exactly what I need from him to be the happiest woman in the world. He is kind and sweet and when he sees I have had a bad day or have taken care of crazy toddler he swoops in to rescue me too. I had a three week period at work where we didn't know if we would have jobs or not and I am the major bread winner. I was near meltdown myself. I would come home from work and he would make me a drink and tell me to relax and he would pull of something impossible for him... he would make dinner and take care of the baby at the same time. So we both give where we are needed and we both give there too.