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voodoojoey
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12 Jan 2013, 8:41 pm

Alright, so I am a 17 year old male diagnosed with asperger's syndrome, depression, and anxiety, and I heard about a certain type of person.
There are these people called "nice guys" who think that they're entitled to love and sex with a girl that they spend time with, essentially performing kind deeds in the hopes of sex, and then getting really angry and indignant at being "friend zoned".
I really don't like the idea of this kind of guy. No one's entitled to love or sex.
However, I'm afraid I might embody some of the characteristics. There's this girl that I like that I'm currently friends with. I don't offer her emotional support or anything or console her when she's sad, but I do compliment her occasionally and if I see her in school I talk to her because I like her and I want to talk to her. I haven't told her yet about my feelings, but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll get rejected because she might only see me as a friend. The rejection's not the bad part. It's the flood of thoughts in my head that I have about why I was rejected, where I went wrong in the whole process, and usually coming to the conclusion that there's no way she could have ever thought of me as attractive, maybe because I didn't assert myself enough, maybe I didn't say the right things at the right time, whatever it is, I'm a failure. And then whenever I'd see her my head will remind me that I failed with her and the self-hate will come up again, and then I would not want to be friends with her because of that problem with my mind.
I really don't want to be one of those "nice guys". Am I thinking/acting like one against my will? I don't want to be mean to anyone :(



Kezzstar
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12 Jan 2013, 9:07 pm

I think a lot of people expect a slight cooling-off of a friendship after a rejection. But as long as you continue to be polite to her you should be fine.

Do NOT:

-Spread lies about her
-Yell at her/Make her feel bad for rejecting you
-Completely cut her off
-Try and break up any relationships she has

But I don't think you'd do that anyway :)


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voodoojoey
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12 Jan 2013, 11:10 pm

I wouldn't make her feel bad. I might let off my irrational steam in my private diary or cut her off completely, but I'm not so sure I'd talk to her as much as I do now or think about/want to talk to her as much as I do now.



Kezzstar
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12 Jan 2013, 11:16 pm

Which is fair enough.

Just remember there is no law that says she has to be in a romantic relationship with you, and don't take it personally, and you'll be fine.

And if you do get her, remember that she's her own person with her own life - she's just chosen to share it with you. :)


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http://www.normalautistic.blogspot.com.au - please read and leave a comment!


aspiemike
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12 Jan 2013, 11:22 pm

Kezzstar wrote:
I think a lot of people expect a slight cooling-off of a friendship after a rejection. But as long as you continue to be polite to her you should be fine.

Do NOT:

-Spread lies about her
-Yell at her/Make her feel bad for rejecting you
-Completely cut her off
-Try and break up any relationships she has

But I don't think you'd do that anyway :)


Completely cutting people off is a very common thing for me in many relationships. I don't spread lies, try and make her feel bad, or try and break up someone's relationship. Where I cut people off is pretty much through Facebook since the chances are I got obsessive or weird over that. They will interpret this as completely cutting them off.



greyjay
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12 Jan 2013, 11:34 pm

voodoojoey wrote:
No one's entitled to love or sex.

As long as you're clear on that, because you believe it and not because you think that's what girls want to hear, I think you're safe. My understanding of the "Nice Guy TM" label is that it's not meant to police desire, just call out disrespectful behavior and attitudes. You are entitled to feel however you feel, provided you show her the same respect and accept that she might not feel the same way. If telling her about your feelings creates discomfort and distance it doesn't automatically mean you are a "Nice Guy TM". If, on the other hand, you were to intentionally create distance in the relationship in an effort to manipulate her into changing her mind, or to punish her, then there would be a problem.



Kezzstar
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12 Jan 2013, 11:38 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Kezzstar wrote:
I think a lot of people expect a slight cooling-off of a friendship after a rejection. But as long as you continue to be polite to her you should be fine.

Do NOT:

-Spread lies about her
-Yell at her/Make her feel bad for rejecting you
-Completely cut her off
-Try and break up any relationships she has

But I don't think you'd do that anyway :)


Completely cutting people off is a very common thing for me in many relationships. I don't spread lies, try and make her feel bad, or try and break up someone's relationship. Where I cut people off is pretty much through Facebook since the chances are I got obsessive or weird over that. They will interpret this as completely cutting them off.


I will admit to cutting my ex off completely for a while, but now we're good. We interact (probably not as much as I do with my close friends) but I think the difference was that my relationship with him and his family was poisonous. A little distance until you get your emotions in order doesn't hurt, and like I said, is expected. You don't instantly get over being rejected (at least, I don't think so, I've never been rejected lol).


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"It isn't wrong, but we just don't do it."
Gordon, "Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends: Whistles and Sneezes"
http://www.normalautistic.blogspot.com.au - please read and leave a comment!


aspiemike
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12 Jan 2013, 11:48 pm

Kezzstar wrote:
I will admit to cutting my ex off completely for a while, but now we're good. We interact (probably not as much as I do with my close friends) but I think the difference was that my relationship with him and his family was poisonous. A little distance until you get your emotions in order doesn't hurt, and like I said, is expected. You don't instantly get over being rejected (at least, I don't think so, I've never been rejected lol).


I sent the recent one an e-mail recently. I just wanted to express the feelings and acknowledge exactly what happened and told her what happened at the end (I had a meltdown). Of course the meltdown might have come across as rude, but I don't want to imagine what I would have done if I stayed. I didn't ask for anything and didn't apologize for anything... no reason to.