Some advice on a relationship please.

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I'm looking for some advice on my relationship.

My partner has aspergers, and I probably have a mild form of it, and things are a mess. I can't seem to ever work out what he's thinking or feeling, he doesn't understand me at all.

We're getting married next year and I'm worried that we've only managed to survive this long is because our relationship is currently long distance.

I don't know how to get him to show me intimacy in ways that I need. I've escaped an abusive decade long relationship, and I need a man who supports me the way I need, to show me frequently that he does love me. But he rarely says "I love you", he rarely pays me compliments, he never tells me I'm beautiful - I mean, I know I'm ugly, everyone else has no problem saying it, but I had hoped he might think it and occasionally say it. He doesn't tell me I'm beautiful because he doesn't think I am, he's not like a "normal" man, he can't tell a girl who is ugly a white lie and tell her she's beautiful anyway.

The one he does like is kissing - I have some mild sensory issues, and I simply cannot stand kissing. I hate it. I find it disgusting and repulsive. And it's all he wants to do. All the stuff I do like, he's not interested in doing. We aren't having sex, but he never initiates anything except the kissing I hate. I want to cuddle, I want to hug, I want to touch each other, but we only ever do what I push for.

And on top of everything else, he never just wants to spend time together doing nothing particular. We always have to be doing something specific or he'd prefer to be alone reading. I do things he likes that I find boring because I just enjoy it because it's spending time with him, but he rarely comes along to things I like to do, and when he does, I'm always made to regret it. I don't think he means to be rude, but he is. When we're around my extended family, he brings a book and reads it and ignores them trying to include him. It's even worse when it's non-family. I wanted to have dinner with friends on my birthday, but when we got to the place where we were supposed to have dinner, he just kept making really loud sighing sounds, embarassing me and upsetting my friends, until I gave in and took him back to where he was staying. And that happens a lot - if he finds something boring, he'll just make massively loud sighing sounds until I can no longer take the embarassment and tell him he can go to his home.

I can't cope with it because my ex did it on purpose - he'd make embarassing sounds, huge gigantic sighs to make sure I knew he didn't want to be wherever we were, all my family and friends knew he had no respect for them, and as a result, he gradually pushed them all away from me, isolating me until I had few friends, and my parents are abusive people and took it out on me because of how rude he was to them. I realise my current partner isn't doing it on purpose, but I've tried speaking him a little about it and he cannot understand what the problem, and still doesn't realise he's doing it when he does do it.

I'm really not coping well. I feel ugly, I feel unattractive, I feel totally undesirable, physically and mentally.

I don't know what I'm doing. I've suffered a lot due to being used by "friends" who I wasn't able to tell they were just using me when even a blind person would have seen it. Time and time again, been used because I couldn't see a person's true motives. It's like I have a big sign on my forehead that says "use this person, she'll never realise it until too late".

I desperately need a partner who can be emotionally supportive, give me hugs when I'm struggling, who doesn't embarass me when we're doing things that don't interest him, I'm just lost and it's got to the point where I'm clinically depressed from his lack of support. And I know it's not anything he realises he's doing.

What can I do about changing things? I love him so much but struggling to cope with it all.

I should also mention, I have a child with aspergers from my first marriage, and my child's father's abuse has only made the situation worse. My child is out of control and I'm struggling to cope with that too.

sometimes love just aint enough.

Doesnt sound like you two are very suited or able to meet each others needs.

if you cant deal with what your getting then its best to leave as its not likely to change, its very hard for people to continue to act in a way which is very unnatural for them and in my experience people struggle to change.

You should marry him because it's slightly better than what you had before and you don't want to be alone.

Don't listen to fraac. He's being sarcastic. BUT, he does make a point. Is this why you are marrying him? Is this the most you hope for in your life? This is already dysfunctional. You have a child. Your self-esteem is low. You are not getting any of your needs met and to top it all off, you are not even compatible sexually. Why are you so worried what he thinks of you? Your concern should be about what YOU think of him. By the way, it is ok to have negative thoughts about someone. That doesn't mean you are not a nice person. It means you see someone as they really are. How else are you going to prtect yourself from these people who are taking advantage of you. Some of the less attractive people I know end up being the most attractive after I get to know them.

Hi Butterflywings80,

It sounds to me like your current relationship is only a bit better than your last one. It's hard to see how you could love your partner when he makes you feel ugly, unattractive and undesirable physically and mentally.

Its also clear that you know that you know you really need and deserve a partner who makes you feel good about yourself. Everyone deserves that. It would be better for your child too.

I don't think you will be able to change your partner and it's hard to see how things could improve in your relationship so perhaps it would be best not to marry him.

That would mean you'd have to be really strong and make a life for yourself and your child without a partner but also hopefully you would meet someone else who would treat you much better.

What's that old saying? The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting a different outcome?

So he isn't supportive. In fact he undermines and embarrasses you and behaves in many ways like your abusive ex. And you share few interests and you feign interest in his interests, but feel aggrieved he can't be bothered to similarly fake an interest in yours. And he likes kissing but you don't, and there are other incompatibilities when it comes to physical stuff.

Why are you getting married?

You want someone to support you emotionally, and to hug you, but he doesn't. Getting married isn't going to miraculously turn him into the emotionally and physically supportive person you want him to be. He's very unlikely to be able to live up to your expectations if you've already tried to communicate them to him, but he hasn't taken your constructive criticisms/your wants and wishes on board.

I used to be friendswith someone who was a vicar.and he used togive pre-wedding /marriage counselling to people. Try searching for information about pre-cana and see if you can talk to your fiance and figure out whether you're really suitedtoone another and whether you can make a marriage work.

It sounds as though you've been through a terrible time and you feel like you want and need someone to be there for you, but if think that getting this guy up the aisle is going to solve all your problems and make everything all right, you're probably setting both you and him up fora lot of heartache and disappointment.

fraac thanks for the advice mate, I think you're so helpful and smart.

I can be sarcastic too.

Cinbad, I spent quite a number of years alone between my first husband and my now second husband. I have no problem with being alone. I quite enjoy it. I had many offers for relationships and for intimacy outside of relationships but I'm very fussy.

My now second husband isn't a bad person - and he's the total opposite of my ex. He does (only occasionally) pay me compliments, but where my ex would say hundreds of nice things every day and every one of them be lies, when my now husband says something nice, I know it's totally genuine. And I love that about him. I just wish he'd do it a little more often. And when he does, it's usually to tell me I'm smart (I have three university degrees now) when he knows I'm sick of people telling me that because I don't feel it's true.

Verinda I have no trouble making a life for me and my daughter alone. I did it for years, and in many ways, it's easier to be alone. It's not as hard as people make out. It's not easy, but it's not impossibly hard either.

If something happened to me and lost my partner, I certainly wouldn't try dating again.

It took me years the first time before I'd even consider dating again after my first husband. I'm quite happy being alone and without a partner. Doing what I want with my time and money.

Englishlulu what made you think we didn't share interests?

We share heaps of interests. When we are both in the same location and don't have work, we do lots of things together. We both love martial arts - I prefer the more competitive ones like taekwondo and karate, and he likes the more traditional ones (he likes kung fu), but we go to each other's classes and both really enjoy it. We go to church and bible study together and really enjoy it, and we love reading philosophy blogs together and discussing it. We also love watching scifi shows together. He also likes to cook and sew - the only difference is he likes to cook main meals and I like cook desserts, and he likes machine sewing and I prefer hand sewing.

About the only interest we don't share at all is I love going to gym and I'm sure he'd love if it he had the time to try it. He loves computer games, and it's not that I don't, it's more I can only play for short periods before my ADD becomes an issue and he can play for 24 hours straight but generally we work it that I leave him and my daughter playing computer games while I go to the gym and go shopping (something he only enjoys if it's in electronic shops).

We actually did premarital counselling - it's compulsary if you want to get married in a church where we live, and would have done it anyway.

I know marriage doesn't change people for the better - it certainly changes men like my ex for the worse. He's the type that pretends to be an angel and then 6-12 months after marriage (or moving in together in his other relationships) he becomes a monster. But at the same time, I don't believe that people can't grown.

As I mentioned, my daughter has aspergers, and I've seen her change and grow so much in the last 12 months. Not 100% positive - but 95% positive stuff. She's learnt so much about other people having feelings, how to tell what other people are thinking, how to be supportive of friends and family. At the same, she's also learnt how to hurt people's feelings on purpose when she's really angry but thankfully she only does that rarely - but in many ways, it's a step forward that she can actually understand other people's thoughts and feelings that much to be able to do it.

I make sure she knows that kind of behaviour is wrong.

But as for my now husband... don't get me wrong - I've seen amazing changes in him in the three years we've been together. It's not easy being someone's first girlfriend. They make jokes about "40 year old virgins" but some of the stuff joked about is real. My now husband was a nearly 30 year old virgin who hadn't had a serious girlfriend before - I don't think he had any real girlfriend before me. Even for a man without aspergers, if you get to 27 and have never had a girlfriend, it's a LOT to learn about how to be in a relationship. His only experience of living together with someone is family and a housemate, who he didn't interact with much except dinner time. Even when sharing a house, he's not used to worrying about interacting with others at all, he's used to being alone emotionally and physically.

In his defense, he has grown a lot, but even for someone with aspergers, I thought he'd have grown more. Maybe it's unfair to compare him to other aspies. I just wish I could understand him better.

Hi Butterflywings80,

I am so happy for you. How I wish my relationship had turned out so well. I had hoped to come to a nice place in between. But it takes two and he was so mired in his ways he couldn't see the benefit I would have brought to his life.

I agree with you about the compliments. The first time he told me I was beautiful, I pulled out my phone and took a picture of him so I could remember the moment. Who knew when I would hear it again. But it was who he was, the gentleness in his heart that I loved the most about him. No one would ever know what a wonderful person he is inside. But it was that gentleness, that kindness, that makes him want to be alone. He doesn't want to hurt anyone and he feels that the "rough" side of himself would come out and hurt anyone that tries to care. He also worries that he would get tired of someone and regret making a commitment.

So we broke up. Such a shame, I still love him so much it hurts anyway.

You are in good place dear. You both had enough faith to take that leap and it works. Your daughter will learn a lot from your relationship. I wish all the best for all of you. Keep us updated and share some tips frequently. Maybe I can use some of the wisdom if I ever decide to take that leap again.