Aspie Dating Recovering Alcoholic

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I think most of you are aware of this, but I'm the Aspie in question. I do have a set of close friends, but many of them have their own issues with depression and/or alcohol, and I really wanted the perspective(s) of other Aspies if anyone here has something to share. I don't have the depression issues so many Aspies struggle with, but I am finding this a unique challenge:

I'm currently dating a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for three years. I found his profile on OKCupid, when I was on the verge of giving up on dating. His profile showed he was intelligent, but uncertain. I initially contacted him to just give him encouragement, because I didn't fall into the age range he had that he was seeking. It turned out his last two relationships have been with older women, if not the ten years that separate us.

When we first encountered one another, he was very open about his drinking problem, because he said he felt that I deserved to know, he only wants to date one person, and he is worried about being vulnerable to multiple people. He attends AA meetings twice a week, because he feels he needs to do so. From what I can tell, his grandparents are continually telling him that he has nothing to offer a woman. He's 25, works part time, goes to school full time, and participates in the club relevant to his major too. He has goals, but he lives with them (partially to help them out since his dad moved several hours away). It seems like they are trying to "keep him down" and they have him convinced.

I've been trying to reassure him that I think he is great, without overdoing it. In some ways, his manner reminds me of some individuals with Asperger's. He has two or three definite interests, some depression, is hard to pull emotional responses from unless we're face-to-face, he doesn't undertand that me saying my daughter is gone for the weekend means he can visit, and he has already admitted to me that he is concerned about codependency. For these reasons, I am trying to go slow with this, but will admit the hormones got the best of us last weekend.

Does anyone have any information that might help and/or relevant anecdotes that might give me some important insight?

I have a developing theory that an alcoholic/addict is an Aspie in NT's clothing. Many of the traits parallel and in the case of a denying and suppressive environment the only way to feel comfortable in one's own skin when there is no acknowledgement or awareness of neurodiversity is to turn to mind-altering chemicals.

Anyway, from your own post, his behaviors read very much like the usual Aspie's does - the loyalty, the interests, the oblivion to your subtle hints and the invalidating family all ring giant bells to me.

In this case you might consider viewing him as part of the matching set - as long as you spell things out to him explicitly it should go well. It's a big plus on your end and for him that you don't suffer the bouts of depression and as you mentioned you've been supportive and encouraging, and seen a lot of qualities in him that others don't. I'd say go for it!

Thank you for the response.

This is in line with the thinking I had as well, but I didn't want to influence my initial post with my potentially off-target ponderings. My maternal grandparents certainly self-medicated with alcohol, and they had depression, but my grandmother was also a paranoid schizophrenic. That was in the 50s and 60s. My dad is either an Aspie or his mother's actions led to spectrum-style behavior, and since she raised me too, it's hard to tell whether I am just following in his footsteps due to the environment. She definitely put me down all the time, then tried to make it seem like she wanted the best for me, and that seems to be similar to what is happening to Mr. X from his grandparents.

As far as how to handle things, I did have a text fest with him last weekend, before he came over, and went the direct route. It did indeed seemed to help matters, but I don't want to push him with too much abruptness, especially since he confesses to being a people-pleaser. You know...bull doze him with what I want, without his offering his own needs in reply. Still, the less abrupt conversations this weekend didn't illicit much information until I finally asked him last night about his weekend plans. For someone that says he doesn't have much to talk about, he is going to see Anthony Bourdain tonight, and a concert next week.

Sounds like you're into something good. I am no dating expert; having had only 2 IRL romances, a handful of not-quites, and a plethora of online failure-to-launches. The people-pleasing resonates strongly with me - I don't see reason to suppress your desires, possibly if you presented them as requests, maybe even after you do something like cook his favorite meal. Again you'll probably have to flat out ask what his likes and dislikes are.