Found note - my wife has delusional thoughts about me

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You may recall that my wife left a few weeks ago. I was cleaning the house and found what amounts to a diary entry scribbled on a few pages and stuffed into a drawer. I was flabbergasted at what I read.

It was written clear back in May. She has been assigning to me the most horrible thoughts, feelings, and intentions and misinterprating my actions in the most negative ways imaginable.

For example, when she had to work weekends, I knew that she hadn't taken anything for lunch. She only works a mile from home, so I took her something to eat. Just trying to be nice and show her that I cared. She wrote about in the note. She was furious. She was absolutely sure that I was checking up on her. For what reason I haven't a clue. She was ranting about how it was her place and I had no right to be there. It was so hateful.

The rest of the note was in a similar tone. She made it seem like I didn't care about her, only used her, and wrote that she cried every day. She was saying that I thought she was going to stay in such a way as to make it clear that she was definitely going to leave. She made it seem like it even upset her that I thought this.

We had taken a week-long vacation well after this was written, the first w/o any kids, which she planned, and made two other road trips during the summer. Either she was hiding her intentions or her delusions and resulting feelings come and go.

I was so upset by this note that I called her to ask why she thinks such terrible things about me. She said, "It's just like always, I'm always wrong." I said, "How can you determine what I think and feel and tell me that I'm wrong when I'm the one thinking and feeling it?" She hung up on me.

I wrote a note telling her that I've been seeing a CBT about Asperger's and that we've been discussing AS/NT communication issues and asked if she would come to one in about 3 weeks. I placed the note where she could find it. I found it unopened under my windshield wiper this morning.

Anybody know what's going on here? Is it possible for AS/NT misunderstandings to get this outrageous? She was once diagnosed bipolar and treated for depression, but stopped treatment. Should I involve someone (her sister that she lives with) to see if they can help? Maybe a sort of intervention like they do eith addicts or something.

Please help me to understand what is going on and what can be done.

I've been trying to think of a way to word this without sounding cruel, because I've been in your situation and know how bad it feels. Anyway, I strongly suggest you talk this through with someone you trust, and is not connected with your wife, IRL. Do you have a family member like a brother, sister or parents still alive?

Human communication is the most complicated thing to understand.
Wishing you both all the best http://whitterer-autism.blogspot.com

I have two brothers, but we aren't close. Don't see them real often and then there's the AS. My parents are both alive, but old and frail. They've worried about me too many times; I don't want to worry them again. I haven't even told them that my wife left. When I go there for Thanksgiving dinner the Sunday after, I can honestly say that she has to work, but she wouldn't have gone anyway.

The truth is, I have no one that I feel that I can talk to other than the behavioral therapist that I've just started seeing. The only people i've told that she left are her and my GP.

Her sister is a really good, caring person. I spoke with her for about a half hour shortly after my wife left. She is the only person that is close enough to both of us to maybe understand. Our kids are young adults without the experience to understand but it would be so wrong to confide in them on this. Among other things, it would seem like I'm trying to turn them against her.

I don't understand what you meant about being cruel. Also, you seem to think that talking to her sister is a bad idea. Can you expand on that?

If you went through what I'm going through, I'd like to hear the whole story if you have the time. Are you saying that the misunderstandings were as profound as ours? Could it all be the AS/NT divide? Or did your wife (husband?) have other issues as I suspect mine does. It would be so valuable to hear about a similar situation. Thanks.

Mine did this...things I did always ended up to be the "wrong things" and after awhile I was afraid to open my mouth...he took everything the wrong way.

I remember sitting on the porch discussing weekend plans...he wanted his relatives and nephews down for the weekend...I said fine, but just not the whole day or give me a break away for a bit after awhile if that was his intention. I can handle visiting for couple of hours or so...but a houseful of people and 4 kids running through a 4 room house makes me zone out after awhile...and I start looking for a corner to crawl into. I also have health problems besides AS...I wear out quick.

His reply...I thought you LIKED kids...you lied to me. You don't even like my family. You're a monster.

I think once someone has formed an opinion of you to the point that they can only look at everything you say or do in a negative aspect...there is not much hope in getting them to see otherwise. You say the grass is green...they'll say its blue just so they don't have to agree with you.

If you look at someone and all you see is contempt and anger projected at you for just being the person you are (hopefully that's not the same for you)...but that is what I see when I look at him...then let go.

It gets better...it really does.

Because I am only getting your perspective on this,I can only come to the conclussion you have.She has some psychological problem,perhaps chemical inbalance.She is obviously unhappy and has decided that you are the "cause" of her unhappiness.This is a common delusion in people who have depression and if she is Bi-Polar she maybe experiencing some delusional thinking ,which occurs in the
"manic" stage.I think you should stop keeping it a secret.Let the people in your life know that she has left but you are unsure her exact reason.You cant force someone to think logically or be mentally healthy through intervention.She has to seek help on her own.One of the difficulties of this is that many
psyc counselors I have seen,do not confront their clients.They seem to have a bias or financial investment of telling the client what they want to hear.So,there is a good possibility,that a counselor would just reaffirm that you are the bad guy and she is the victim.

If possible,dont ruminate on it.Try and focua on the things in your life which give you pleasure and let her come to her own Revelations in her own time.It sounds like she maybe going through a "mid-life crisis".Are you ready to except that the relationship may not be "saved"?It is a possibility you should consider because the one thing you will never have control over is someone else's reality ,perception or emotions.I wish you luck.Perhaps she will pass through this stage,but you need to consider the possibility that she wont.

I dont see anything wrong with discussing this with her sister but she may tell her sister everything you say,depends on her own relationship with her sister.(she may also feel awkward being caught in the middle,but she should tell you so)

As far as the sister goes, it boils down to the old cliché about blood being thicker than water. Her main loyalty will be to her sister, not you. You don't know what your wife's up to so avoid her family unless you feel you'll be in command of the situation. Remember, although your intentions may be benign, they may be interpreted to suit another agenda.

The trouble with this kind of situation is that NT women assume you know more than you do; they don't factor in the AS and think you've picked up and interpreted all the subtle clues they've been leaving for months or years. If you are able to speak with your parents I would, because sooner or later you may have to broach the subject anyway. They may be able to offer advice of the calibre that only old people can, and if things deteriorate further you will definately need someone you know and can trust to confide in. I'd strongly advise you get some legal advice, too, in order to protect your interests. But for god's sake don't tell your wife or anyone who may let it get back to her. However, be very careful before acting on it, because lawyers often paint the picture blacker than it is in order to inflame the situation for their own profit.

I'd like to be of more help, but I'm not especially good at that kind of thing. Anyway, best of luck.

Last edited by ascan on 13 Nov 2006, 1:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

she sounds like one of those lunatic fantaics over at infamous delphi aspie hate ASPartners. Maybe they're all bipolar lol.

That's not very constructive, jman.

Yes Ascan I am aware, I was just venting my frustration per ASPartners and this guy's situation.

But KNT I am assuming you still care about your wife, if I were you I would give her space. If she's bipolar like you say she is, this might just be phase and it will pass. People with mental health issues tend to blame their problems on other people, and the aspergers label is a convieninet way for her to do that.

So the best thing you can do for her right now is give her space and prey that she gets better and is happy either with you or without you..

"As far as the sister goes, it boils down to the old cliché about blood being thicker than water. Her main loyalty will be to her sister, not you. You don't know what your wife's up to so avoid her family unless you feel you'll be in command of the situation. Remember, although your intentions may be benign, they may be interpreted to suit another agenda."

I understand and have already considered this. However, I don't think that there could be any problems that aren't already there. She will probably tell my wife everything, sure. At least she'd hear it. My wife already knows that I think that me and my AS aren't the whole problem. We've discussed her getting treatment. She's pissed about it (it's all my fault you know) already, so nothing to lose. Maybe it could initiate a discussion between them that could be productive, since she takes everything I say wrong and gets upset about anything that I say.

"The trouble with this kind of situation is that NT women assume you know more than you do; they don't factor in the AS and think you've picked up and interpreted all the subtle clues they've been leaving for months or years."

I'm sure you're right. I remember when I discovered her affair 8 years ago. She couldn't figure out why I was upset (or so she said). She said she assumed I knew about it and since I hadn't said anything, it must have been OK w/ me. Unbelievable.

"If you are able to speak with your parents I would, because sooner or later you may have to broach the subject anyway. They may be able to offer advice of the calibre that only old people can, and if things deteriorate further you will definately need someone you know and can trust to confide in."

This would only make sense if I told them about my AS. They'll both be gone soon enough. Why should I burden them with the knowledge that my childhood problems were autism and that I can never be 'normal'. My wife told me once that my mom feels guilty about my Crohn's; thinking that I have it because of something she did wrong. I can't do it to her. I'm tearing up too much to see the screen just thinking about it.

"I'd strongly advise you get some legal advice, too, in order to protect your interests. But for god's sake don't tell your wife or anyone who may let it get back to her. However, be very careful before acting on it, because lawyers often paint the picture blacker than it is in order to inflame the situation for their own profit."

I see no reason. We don't have much and she says she only wants a few things. Even if she changed her mind and wanted some more, it pales in the light of everything else.

She had an affair too?

Wow man if I was you I would have left her a long time ago. She's got some serious issues if she's having affairs and not considering your feelings. Like I said I know you probably still care about her, but based on what you're telling us this woman does not sound healthy, and unhealthy people often have unhealthy relationships. Unless she seeks treatment (or the correct treatmet) you are better off without her.

It sounds like she truly does not want you to try and maintain any relationship with her. Yes, it's very possible to have misunderstandings like this and worse because of the way you both view love, respect, and relationships. What would be the purpose of involving someone else; what would the other person actually be helping with? RE: Intervention, if you're thinking of trying to make her go back to get treated for what she's been diagnosed with in the past, she probably has reasons of her own that you don't understand for removing herself from those treatments.

I'm not exactly sure what you are asking for on the last bit. Are you attempting to make your relationship go back to the way it was when you were married? The diary page you found was a sample of what she writes about; those are her hidden thoughts. Those are the things she's afraid to tell you. You are currently changing because you are in a situation where you have accepted your diagnosis and are seeking knowledge to understand how you view the world. From your description, she rejected her diagnosis and chose to think she knows better how to deal with how she views the world. It sounds as if you are growing in two different directions and if that's the case, you can't force her to grow with you no matter how much you love what you two had. It's important to not let your memories of the past dissuade you from your growth. I know that is very disappointing.

This is why I don't marry. Women are almost entirely non-verbal communicators and it doesn't matter what you say to them, or what you really mean. They will form an entire reality in their head based on little things. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be less than constructive here in saying this, but really, if in your heart you meant nothing wrong and she could not see that, it is her problem, not yours.

Wow!

Wow, that's heavy. I wish I could help, but I don't have any useful advice.