Probably the oldest dilemma in the book - any advice?

Post Reply New Topic

A very nice woman has shown interest in me. As an older, lonely man, I am absolutely thrilled! But it's a classic "second choice" scenario. In dating you can't say "you are my second choice, I'll keep you until something better comes along." Any advice on what I should do?

More details:

I know that this is exactly what young people do all the time: it's the unspoken fact of early dating. But it feels wrong. I'm in my mid 40s and romantic.

I live in a very remote area. Even a single date is a very big deal: major distance and expense.

I already know almost everything I need to know: my needs are very precise, and both our online profiles are very thorough. We both fit into well defined types: it is highly unlikely that I would learn anything new by online dating.

I'm pretty sure we could both make it work if we worked at it. If I thought I had no chance of meeting anybody else then I would jump at this chance.

I'm in no hurry. I created an online dating profile just because, in the unlikely event that my soul mate is out there looking, obviously I want her to find me! But otherwise I don't want to start dating for another 12 months (when my youngest daughter starts university, and also I will have finished my Great Project).

Normally "soul mate" is a silly idea, and there are many people who can be right for each other, and all relationships require work. I understand that. But my interests are so unusual (I'm obsessed with soling global poverty) that all I want is to find a woman who feels the same. She is likely to feel as alienated as I do. I think the term "soul mate" is probably appropriate in my case.

However, the woman who's shown an interest in me seems like the kind who would stick around, and in the absence of the imaginary soul mate that'[s a really big deal to me.

Thanks for any comments.

it's heart breaking to me that you are mid 40's and have just shown me that this s**t doesn't get any easier?

Replies like that are why I come to WP. You guys understand and nobody else does.

But on the upside, my case may be unusual. I was raised in a very religious household. One result was that marriage was pretty much automatic (for a male: my old church had a huge emphasis on getting married, and massively more women than men, so for a brief period I was highly desirable - LOL). So for 25 years I was out of the market (bad marriage). As my user name suggests, the last couple of decades have not been great, but things are getting a bit better now. Hopefully most aspies are not in my situation.

You gotta do whats best for you, you cant keep people waiting about tho, i would just make some inroads at the minute man.. what is the point in being alone for another year?

I think I'll be a much better catch in a year. I'm working on a project that will touch people's hearts, I think. But it isn't ready yet. Also, in one year I'll be free to move. After 44 years of feeling lonely I'm ready to wait another 12 months if it means this time I have a real chance.

IMO it almost appears that you are putting too much emphasis on a unsure thing. (which amounts to alot of undue pressure)
I sincerely hope things work out for you.

If she's your second choice, I say you shouldn't go for it. That would basically mean you're settling. It's better to be alone than settle, for sure.

Unless I am misunderstanding your definition of "second choice."

I honestly don't understand what your talking about.

I re-read your post 3 times and you never described the 2nd girl. All it sounds like is there is a young girl who is interested in you and your kind of uncomfortable with her being so young.

I've actually known a few girls who liked the older men. They like the stability, the fact the guys are mature, settled down, aren't gang banging or cheating,

If you get along, and you find her attractive, capre deim.

Yes, that's my feeling. In my heart I know that's the thing to do, but there is just this little matter of being lonely for 44 years and here is a nice woman who likes me!! !!

Of course, last time I followed that logic I ended up trapped and miserable for 25 years. So I suppose there is that.

I wasn't trying to sound negative, it was just that my dad ended up in that situation with my mom and she pretty much ran him into the ground. The result? He died unhappy 22 years later.

So if you feel like you'd have to settle for any reason, IMO you shouldn't go through with it.,

Thanks. I really appreciate the replies. This thread has really helped.

Your going on a first date, not getting married.

Is she a second choice or is she an also ran?

I've met girls who you might consider second choices but where just as wonderful as the 1st choice, and girls who you'd consider also-rans, no where near the quality of the first or second choice.