Is this guy messing me about? I can't tell. Help!

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I have very little relationship experience, and generally feel deprived of all of that, so I do have a tendency to go a bit silly when I get the slightest bit of attention.
But here's the back story.
I met a guy in a communal living situation a year ago and I was very attracted to him. He expressed to me that he was attracted to me a little while later and we had a kind of a ''thing'' based on that. We couldn't have a proper, full-on relationship because of the living circumstances we were in (I can't get into all of it).
It was precious to me, I've been very deprived of all of that.

And it is worth mentioning that he too is autistic, though he doesn't really take it on board as much as I do. But he is.

Then he did a horrible thing, partly because I think the autism and that he couldn't cope with being seen in a certain way.

He abandoned and distanced me, and eventually denied that we'd ever been close at all.
This was very hurtful and bewildering. It caused me a lot of pain.

I left that living situation very abruptly in a distressing way, and had several months of complete hell with suicidal depression afterwards- not just related to him, I have struggled with this for a long time anyway. I got seriously ill and ended up in hospital for a while.
I spoke to him on the phone once after I left and I was still attached to him so I asked ''Do you think we'll ever be close again?'' And he very affirmatively said ''I can't see that''.

He had also said beforehand when I spoke to him face to face about having been abandoned and distanced, that if he was to be with someone ''I [he] would have to love them'', clearly illustrating that he didn't, and couldn't, love me. This was pretty tactless. I can handle the truth, but it was basically not a very nice way to put it.

It is also probably worth mentioning that this guy had had attempts at relationships with at least two other women in this communal setting (he's lived there a long time). And probably fancied several more for all I know.

Over the last few months I worked him out of my system and basically forgot him and didn't think I'd ever hear from him again and decided I would never initiate contact myself.

Then recently (six months later), I got an email basically tentatively initiating contact again, and at the end saying ''Love M------ x''
Of course, being lonely, deprived of affection etc., I got a bit carried away.

I have a lot of issues over not being lovable, and a lot of self hatred issues. It is easy for me to slip into neediness etc. Also, never having had a proper relationship, I feel very anxious to feel loved or wanted.
I gladly re-established contact. I phoned him and I was emailing him and so on.

But basically I feel like either I've blown it, or this guy has decided again he was never really interested in me. His email sign offs have gone from ''Love M------ x'' to ''M------ x'' to ''Big hugs, M-------'', all since getting back in touch with me.
In my head I've been thinking ''The real me is much less desirable than the me he had in his head when he got back in touch''. And sadly this could easily be true.
Or is he just being a man??

I may be reading too much into this, but I'm a woman, and these things matter to me. He doesn't respond to direct questions in emails either. He ignores anything of emotional weight and doesn't address it.

Some of this could be due to him being an autistic man, and so he just wants to be left alone (and any insights about this from autistic men are very welcome). Or am I bombarding him?? Is it my fault?

I don't know if this guy really likes me or not. Plus he used to say how physically attracted he was to me, but I think if he saw me naked he wouldn't be. I hate my body. I don't think I'm attractive. I have ''dark secrets'' anyway; scars, stretch marks, body hair issues etc. If someone LOVES you, of course these things won't matter.
But can this guy love me, love my soul, and all the ugliness from my past as well? I'm not convinced really. That would have to be a deep love, to overcome so much imperfection.

Also, our backgrounds are very different. He comes from quite a spoilt, sheltered background from a rich city in mainland Europe. I come from a much more f****d up background, and spent my adolescence in institutional care that was highly abusive. My life has generally just been much harder than his, which is not necessarily a good recipe for a mutually understanding relationship. Although he has experienced a lot of isolation and other problems related to his autism.
However one thing that always irked me, was if I ever mentioned some of my experiences, like the institutional care etc., he would literally blank me and ignore me or change the subject. I found this to be very offensive behaviour.

I often felt there was a gulf between us when we talked about our lives. What we DO have in common is intelligence, intellect and, well, autism. Plus a love of the outdoors, but he has been able to do a lot more of this than me. We do have amazing chemistry. I would say that makes up for having various difference when were actually together. But is it enough on its own?

I also feel like, maybe I don't like this guy, maybe I'm just using him to feel wanted.
There's a lot that's so uncertain.

But I would love some objective thoughts on this situation. As you can see there is a lot I am confused about. I welcome honest feedback.

Last edited by Cuckooflower on 13 Nov 2012, 1:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

On second thoughts I'm wondering if my neediness and constant need for reassurance has undermined a real attempt on his part to reach out to me.

In the contents list of Rudy Simone's book ''22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome'', one of the chapter headings reads:
''Labels and romantic expectations make him feel nervous''.

I hate my stupidity at having tried to rush this situation, when he made a genuine attempt to reach out. Maybe it is my fault? But I can't help it if I'm deprived, and I am!!

Again all thoughts on this very, very, very welcome.

Maybe he's afraid of saying the wrong thing, since that stuff is out of his experience. If he's ASD then he's probably stuck his foot in his mouth many times and maybe is phobic of f***ing up once again.

Complicated stuff. I'm not very good at these things either and feel that I'm probably just as deprived as you are.

I will however say this.
With regards to your scars and stretch marks, we ALL have them. Everybody and I truly mean everybody has stretch marks and unwanted body hair!
The scars well not as many but they are not something you should be ashamed of either. Most men don't care about such things and I would be very worried about his psyche if he did actually stand in front of a naked lady and go ish don't like you any more because you have stretch marks.

(Regarding Apple in my Eye's comment):
It's possible. It comes across more as if he doesn't want to know because it makes him feel pressured or impinged, which I do see as an ASD thing as well. But who knows really.........


Oh, I'd love some more help with this!! Sorry if I have expressed it all badly........

I kind of have the feeling mine are more gruesome and horrible than average. And I feel that men are somewhat judgmental. Okay, he may be able to get past the stretchmarks, although they're pretty bad. But I have horrible self harm scars all over my thighs and arms. And even that he may be able to see past. But the hair!! My father is part Romanian (has Romanian lineage) and I am unfortunately a hairy woman.
I just think he'd need to love ME the person to see past all of this.
Plus I get gastrointestinal problems due to the autism.
All round I feel like a monster

I have self harm scars on my thighs and arms too. I have many stretch marks even some on my stomach. I don't care! They don't bother me and I honestly don't think they would bother anyone else either and if they do they can bloody well get someone else to see naked!
I also have gastrointestinal problems but they shouldn't have much impact on your sex life as such. The hair, hm, it's probably not as bad as you think. I'm sure you have tried shaving and vaxing. If you can afford it you could go for laser.

I used to think about my body the way that you do yours. I was convinced that a man couldn't possibly love me exactly the way that I was, so I distanced myself from men while secretly longing to be loved. This went on for many years, until little by little, I began to love myself and accept my body just the way it was. I started going out to social groups now and then (not a lot as I am very introverted), and finally met my husband. He loves me, and also my body just the way it is. I have stretch marks. I have had them since age 12, because of a growth spurt. It just shows that I am human and not a waxed barbie doll! I have also given birth, so my body is not perfect. If you will work on accepting your body just the way that it happens to be, this will show and perhaps things will change for you. I hope this with all my heart!

I think it is important to be ecepting of yourself, be confident with who you are, know who you are before entering a relationship. In a relationship there is you the individual and there is him the individual and then there is the part of both of you. This is just my thought and experience. I truly wish you the best no matter what the outcome.

Thank you for the posts about my body hate etc., that's kind of you all


I really would be interested in any objective opinions about this guy's behaviour as well though; any thoughts or insights.

I think him being a man with autism, he is probably confussed by his feelings and emotions about the idea of a relationship. He wants to be loved but he also wants to be alone. A relationship is a double edged sword for autistic people in my opinion. In some ways you want love on your terms and it does not work that way. Maybe since both of you are autistic you can work out a schedule for together time and alone time? Maybe you only send each other a set number of emails a day or every few days?Maybe you guys can work with a councelor to sort out your feelings for each other? Every couple is different. Take it slow.

Hope this helps

Cut off... sounds like something I did in the past.

Thank you. I found this very helpful, and I think it is the most accurate assessment of the situation I can also comprehend. He wouldn't have said to me on the phone ''You're a very sweet person......We have chemistry.......It'd be a shame to throw away what we had.....I've had a change of heart.......I miss you'' etc. if he didn't have at least SOME conflicted feelings about me.

But basically being the clumsy, needy person I am at the moment, I overdid it on the email and heavy emotional stuff front and it has again caused him to clam up. I hope I haven't blown it completely. Somewhere in my heart I'm a tiny bit invested in this guy, even though it hasn't gone as far as full blown love yet, because we haven't had the chance and anyway I don't know and it may not be right, and also I wouldn't let that happen unless I knew I could risk it and not be dumped and rejected.

I agree that as an autistic man he is somehow fundamentally not cut out for a relationship. But on the other hand, I think he wants to be loved, and he knows we could possibly work well together.
I guess I just have to go easy on him, take care of myself and try to gauge his behaviour as it goes along.
I feel like a numb skull for possibly pushing him away again . It's my own desperate need to be loved and wanted and to feel lovable, and to feel safe that made me get all needy and insecure. Oh dear

In terms of seeing each other, well, it's more or less impossible for us to do that regularly, and that will be the case for a long while yet. He is coming to visit where I am living in a month or so to see a family member, and if I'm here we plan to meet up. However, otherwise, we can't see each other. And I guess it won't be clear what we both want until we do meet. Much more will come to light when we see one another again after several months apart.

I do appreciate your insights. Maybe I'll let y'all know the outcome! But right now I think I should let it lie and think about something else for a while.

I'm so grateful to WrongPlanet that I can air this stuff and get some objective advice, thank you!!

Last edited by Cuckooflower on 12 Nov 2012, 10:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can't just yet. My heart won't let me. It just won't...... I would however be very curious about what it was you did in the past, your own experience etc. It's always helpful to hear other people's experiences, for sure.

I think NoGyro covers my thoughts on this one.
Have nothing more to add just wanted to say you have a cool username, Cuckoo

Thanks!