Aspie men and the "L" word?

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This is a question for all Aspie men out there:

How do you normally behave when you love someone? Is it easy for you to declare that love to your object of affection? Do you need to be absolutely sure? Or do you never say it, even if you feel it, as that would compromise you in some way? Are you afraid of it? Or moreover, do any of you feel they know they cannot love? And would you ie and tell someone you love them just to get them off your back (if they ask you)?

I can't bring myself to say it and I don't know why... Whenever Mom would say "love you", I'd just not respond or I'd go "yup".

I've also learned that saying something like "I suppose I must" is not what people want to hear.

I must love my parents, right? I cried a little when my Dad died even though I knew there was no logical reason for it.

As for romantic interests, I don't really know how to separate "love" from infatuation. I've had crushes on girls before but I think that's just infatuation. I can sort of imagine what actual love might feel like but I'm not sure.

Last edited by JBO on 13 Nov 2012, 3:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I have no fear of it... I recall from may years ago that I professed my love for the woman I would marry after a few fantastic months of dating - and I meant it. She was terrified and almost called it off, as she needed to be a lot more certain than I did. Then again - she had more crappy relationships than I had...

Point being - if I feel it, I'll say it. (And no, not on the first date!)

Bluemax, how did you know it was love? When did it click? Because I am a little like JBO. I never really know the difference. I think I get confused with infatuation, physical attraction, friendliness and love. Love is such an abstract feeling. It's really hard.

i really have to agree with this. in my past relationships there have been girls i really liked, but to say i was in love with them would be tough to decipher. i also know that when looking for someone there are 2 types of companions being looked for, the best friend or the family starter.

sadly most people try looking for the best friend, where you have every little thing in common with them. i think that will end up to spending too much time with each other and eventually grow bored way too quickly. the family starter is someone who you care about due to morals and life style and goals. you still have much in common, but it may not be as obvious as your hobbies.

for me to be in love with someone i would have to say its due to the family starter companion. while i would love to meet a girl who sits around the house playing video games naked all day, it would be too easy to get consumed by the fun and end up becoming immature (or some kind of reverse maturity)

so after thinking back on my past and knowing what im looking for, i dont feel odd knowing that i never fell in love with someone. i was never really with anyone that was perfect enough to make me happy in the "now" (for that time), while also being someone i could see myself with in the next 10 to 100 years.

Why not aim high? For example, imagine a girl who is family starter, but can also feel confident enough to play games naked whenever she needs to unwind? The full package.

i just messaged someone last night that i think would qualify. she was online since then so i know she read the message and probably my profile too (damn hidden setting). but i got nothing back. my first thought is distance due to a 45 minute drive between us. so if i dont hear back by tomorrow night i will send a second message to see if that gets a conversation going.

statistically speaking: after running a query thats quite specific, 1/10 i would message. of those 1/20 might message me back. 1/8 of those would turn into a date and none of those were really that great that i could even care if turned into a relationship. so while i do aim high, i also chat with those that seem like a decent person and hope for the best.

I don't really know for sure... it's so intangible. I guess it was a combination of the emotion I felt being around her as well as deciding I would much prefer her in my life than not.

Definitely more the emotion than the decision. I just knew I wanted her to *stay* with me. We managed ~12 years together before she decided she wanted something else and went against her wedding vows.

The "L" word? Lesbians?

Sorry, had to make a Scott Pilgrim reference there.

I feel almost as if I've been conditioned to feel guilty if I feel anything for anyone. Near every single time I've tried to confess love or infatuation of any kind, I've been chastised and made to feel like a monster before they run off and seem to never want to talk to me again. I don' think that I was being overbearing or anything like that; I'm a much more passive person and like to live and let live. So I'm not sure what it was that I did exactly to get them to hate me so much.

Regardless, I still don't like to keep secrets like that from people, and eventually it seems I'm telling enough anyway for some of the more perceptive people to guess on their own how I feel about them. Maybe this has also been affecting me negatively - I've been made to feel so much guilt over this that admitting any feelings of love towards someone comes off as more apologetic than just simply being honest.

On the topic of looking for a best friends versus a family starter, what about those who are not trying to start a family? I've come to decide I really don't care for having kids. Especially not in this economy or with the chance that they may also be autistic, so at least not for now. So I think that a best friend would be better for me, and most often that's been the case. I don't think I've ever fallen for anyone who wasn't at least some kind of friend to me for a long time. Maybe that's why they seem to be so offended when I tell them? I really don't get this "friend zone" thing that so many people seem to abide by, because who better to start a relationship with than someone you already trust and know very well and get along with despite all your differences?

I'm not sure there's a definite definition of what love is. To me, it's always been unique to the individual I'd fallen for, even though I think I've loved more than a couple different people. They are probably all reasons I can't explain, either. I guess the most basic thing is that love is selfless. I don't see other people as a prize to obtain or even a bunch of morals or values or hobbies that have to be exactly like mine, or really anything like mine necessarily. All my hobbies and interests and ideas have become boring to me as it is, so I think that it would be fun to get to see the world through the eyes of another person who may find the place more joyful or exciting or alive. I doubt it's too impossible to fall in love with someone who you don't exactly relate to right off so long as you have mutual respect and understanding and patience.

Bluemax, you are *so* endearing and articulate. It's refreshing. This is why I have always liked to be friends with the male gender and these forums are the perfect media for that.

As a female with AS, but very high on the spectrum, I sometimes identify myself much more with the men than with the women.

Funny enough, whoever mentioned the L for lesbian; that's something else I don't see as a problem. I have tried relationships with women, but unfortunately it was all about the initial excitement and then realising it was all wrong.

Boxman, I agree. It is possibly the best answer to this, that "love" is indeed something differently felt with everyone. The many shades of love. For it is surely not possible to separate the pleasure of being with someone you admire, care for, love intimacy with, to just someone you want to have sex with. But because there are so many documented opinions on Aspie men and the way they love, I thought it would be wiser to hear it from the horses mouths. And the opinions are as varied as the men themselves.

second. it took the fiancee a few weeks to say it back to me, even though I could see it in her eyes

3 months it took to feel that in-love over the top feeling of wanting to be with that person night and day. I haven't felt it since with someone else. 9 years to date.

Lesbians?

I see you and me were the only ones to have read Scott Pilgrim.