Moving in together

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So, me and my boyfriend have been dating for just over a year. We get on really well most of the time and I can see this relationship lasting.

Currently, we're both at university. We spent the past year living in campus accommodation, just down the corridor from each other, and are now living in houses a few streets away from each other.

Although it's only the first term, we all have to start thinking about where we want to live next year. Due to conflicts in my house, I don't think we'll all be living together again, and my boyfriend is almost certainly not living with the rest of his house.

So we're both considering what to do next. We both, ideally, would be living on our own (I'm an Aspie, he prefers solitude) in a space we could keep neat and tidy. But neither of us can afford to pay the rent for an entire house/flat alone.

We both want the same things out of a new place to live. We already sleep at each other's houses every night, which isn't the most convenient thing when we have class in the morning, and we don't really fight that much. We also eat meals together most of the time. In theory, it seems that living together would solve a lot of problems. I would want my own space, ideally my own room to work in and if I need to get away, but I think that would be negotiable.

But there are a lot of negatives. For one, although I currently live in a house with a lot of people, I am able to keep myself very much separate. I keep all of my food and kitchen equipment separate, and I can spend as much time away from them as I need. I do worry that this wouldn't be as possible if I was actually living with somebody. Also, we have to decide about living arrangements that won't actually happen until the summer. A lot could change in that time. We haven't actually, in the scheme of things, been dating that long. It might be a bit soon to do something like this.

We haven't actually directly discussed this. I was sort of expecting it to come up, and had already decided where I stood. I decided it wouldn't really work for us to live together this soon, that it would be too much, that it would put a strain on our relationship.

But then he casually mentioned about how we couldn't possibly live together, and now my stupid brain is thinking 'why not? why can't we?' (It's worth noting that the reason he gave for us not living together is one I hadn't even considered; he thinks he'd end up paying for everything, which isn't true).

I'm really terrible at these things. I don't even know if I want to live with him or not (I mean, I think I do, but in a sort of an unrealistic fantasy scenario) but I feel that the issue, since we haven't really spoken about it, is hanging between us. I don't know how to talk to him about it without it sounding like I want us to move in together. I want us to have the discussion but I don't know how to start it.

I'd really appreciate any input. Is the thought of moving in together ridiculous? And how can I get him (and me) to talk about it?

Get a 2 bedroom apartment. This way you each have space of your own.

Put both your names on the lease. That way your equally responsible for the rent. He can relax because if you don't pay, it'll f' up your credit just as bad as his.

Discuss the rules and expectations clearly.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m1EFMoRFvY[/youtube]

I would definitely hold off on setting any move-in plans. You could bring "what if" scenarios about living together into the conversation, but I wouldn't do it looking toward any set timeline. Keep it low key and without expectation for now, so you guys can start to explore if and how it could work for you down the road without a ticking clock rushing you into a decision.

ladystardust, it feels like you are a younger version of me

I can identify with everything you are saying. I have the experience of my past (where it all happened) and the present situation I am in (I will further explain later).

I have to first and foremost say, that obviously every situation is unique, as two people together have their own chemistry and rapport and it all depends on numerous things.

However, with me, and because you seem to have the same concerns I had before I moved in with my (now ex) husband, I can tell you what didn't work for me:

The fact that he criticised my way of doing things, or not doing them round the house.

That even though there were 2 bedrooms, and therefore I had my own space, I still felt suffocated when I had a meltdown as being confined to my roon didn't resolve the issue that he was still "around".

That I had to hear his voice when all I wanted was silence.

That we had to make joint decisions about stuff in the house and I sometimes wished I didn't have to answer to anyone.

That I got upset that he ate the food that I had planned to eat that night (as an example) and he thought it was fine because it was a joint budget.

That I thought *my* money was mine, and he wanted to half everything, even bank accounts.

That all this got to be so annoying that only after one year I stuck around in a situation that would last 11 and I was totally miserable.

I don't want to dampen your spirits, but these are all real issues I had.

I have now lived on my own for another 11 years and I couldn't change that again.

However, I also identify with you, because the man I am seeing now, said we will *never* live together, or travel together, (he's an aspie too) and that to me just spells *challenge* because I want to prove him wrong. When I know the last thing that would work would be for us to move in together, because I am so intolerant with people (I hated living with my family too).

I am likey not helping here, but if I could suggest any positive input to your current situation, it would be what someone else already said. Draft a sort of written contract with rules and regulations. To broach the subject with him, I would find it easier to do in writing (I hate confrontation).

Let us know how it goes, and good luck

ladystardust is your bf NT? Does he know you are an Aspie and what that entails?

Buy him this book: "22 things a woman with Asperger's syndrome wants her partner to know". By Rudy Simone. Literature on the matter really helps. This is a prime example.

I agree with thewhitrbbit... it's the only way that it can potentially work.

It's hard for anyone to adjust and to reduce the "me, me, mine!" attitude. Some people successfully join everything, some people need to keep everything separate... but you'll both need to adjust to sharing, even if it's just food & bills, etc.

Good luck and congrats!

Yeah, if we were seriously considering it, I would definitely make sure we talked it through and that we'd thought of all potential issues beforehand. I hadn't thought of suggesting he read some literature on Aspie relationships... I might talk to him about it rather than just presenting him with a manual, might freak him out slightly. I'm also somewhat wary of relying too much on books on Asperger's in case he takes it too literally. Mind you, I haven't read the book in question, it might be a perfect fit for how I feel and for our relationship.

We are, to some extent, in a sort of 'in between' stage at the moment, where some of his clothes are at mine, some of mine are at his, we share some food, we have toothbrushes at each other's houses... little things like that. But it's still a massive jump.

It's difficult for me, in my mind, to stop seeing this as either 'good idea' or 'bad idea' and constantly switching between the two. I suppose I can accept that it could be both, or that even I can't know yet which one it would be.

We've discussed (not really very seriously) that we'd live together one day, in a couple of years, but we'd always said that living together while still at uni would be a Bad Thing.

It's occurred to me, just now, thinking about it, that he does affect my routine in potentially dangerous ways. For example, I've become used to him making me breakfast and today he didn't do that, so I haven't eaten all day. It just didn't occur to me to do so because he didn't give me any food. I'm not entirely sure if that's something I need to deal with myself (remind myself to eat etc) or that we need to discuss. It isn't really fair for me to ask him to provide all my food.

But then again, if we were living together, it might become easier to work out a system. Part of the problem now is possibly that it isn't clear cut... I rarely know until late evening whether or not we're eating together, or whether he's coming to my house or me going to his.

I don't know. I feel like I'm going round in circles here.