Hi, to begin, I am new here. I have not been officially diagnosed with aspergers, but on 4 online tests I have taken, I have come out at the very high end, which boggles me somewhat, as I have been in love with someone with probably aspergers for the last 7 months, and only realised the descriptions fit me when I started reading up on it. My ex was aspergers, but because I had been diagnosed with another disorder and because I feel intense emotions and can express them in writing, I assumed I couldnt possibly be so.
Anyway, in spite of probably having it myself, I am having great difficulty understanding this man. To give a few details on him, he has a routine where he spends every day between the local library and one large store where he seems to feel secure and talks to certain staff members and random customers. He has a habit of sometimes bouncing up and down when he talks. He flaps his hands sometimes when he is walking. He moves around a lot... he rarely sits down for long periods. He spends much time copying things into notebooks and is a collector of things, especially antiques. He is highly intelligent.
Anyway, basically, when I first started liking him, I had no idea what to do so I would simply try and be where he was, spending more time in the store, and watch. And I already skated in the park he walks thro to go home, so I would also see him there. He hardly seemed to notice me until one day he gave me a wonderful smile. Next day, I made a gross error. I was stood in the same park, chatting to two men...just acquaintances..and one waved to him. Right after that, he went and told someone he knew spoke to me, that if I spoke to him he would smash my face in.
Soon after, I asked another friend who he spoke to also to help, so she asked him why he wouldnt talk to me and told him I liked him. His response was confusing. He told her that he didnt want to know me, didnt want to talk to me, didnt want anyone in his head..and that he would flush my head down the toilet if I spoke to him..but he also said to her that he would talk to me if she had me sit down...then he changed his mind, said he couldnt and fled. For months, he would avoid me. He would cross over to not have to pass me, he would move if I sat near me, yet at times, he would also walk all round the library to look for where I was. It was very confusing.
In last 2 months, he has been more settled and gone back to his routine. We cross paths every day, and I have heard that at the same time as he said he didnt want to know me, he also told a lady that he had an admirer he liked a lot. His behaviour is totally conflicting to me. A lot of days, he seems to see me but acts as if he doesnt...and shows indifference. But other days, he hovers around me and turns up wherever I happen to be. On one occasion, I was sat out in the main street in the evening...as we both talk to people in the store quite late, and I caught sight of him darting behind a pillar, and then coming out and looking my way. Then he paced, and then he walked off swinging a deer antler he had got for his collection, looking frustrated. Another time, he played a game when we were both walking along the same road into town...where he kept going into the road before mine, and popping out of a side road in front of me. Yet another time, he came to watch me while I dozed in the library... I heard him come over twice before he sat back down.
So, my question is...what am I to make of this behaviour? I know he has been alone over 10 years. I know a woman he had an intense relationship with, left him. He is in his 40s. I am 31. He has even referred to me as a stalker one day, yet hovered around me the next. How am I to know if he is interested, playing games or what? I really do love this man, and he is aware of that because he has had letters and he took poems that I left him that I had written..and even showed them to others.
I tried talking to him once recently, and he just looked up at me, then looked back down at his lap and started messing around with a bottle off aftershave. He seemed to just...detach. Afterwards, he got up apparently, and crossed the store to look to where I was twice. I have asked for a note, or for him to have someone else tell me if he isnt interested, but none has been forthcoming. I am hopeless myself at initiating further contact and find myself too afraid to go near him generally, let alone attempt to speak again.
This is 7 months now I have been waiting and hoping...am I hoping fruitlessly?
Thanks in advance to those who manage to wade their way through this lot lol.
21 Dec 2006, 9:19 pm
