Two dates and I haven't kissed her yet

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I went on a second date with this girl I met off a dating site. She had initially contacted me on the site (usually it's the guy who initiates so that's a good sign) and said that I was cute in the second message. Looking good right? Well it's often like that until I screw it up on dates. lol. The first was a coffee plus dessert date at a nice cafe I picked out. The second was a Thai/Viet restaurant near her place. I noticed that she dressed nicer for this second occasion. She hugged me at the end of the first date. I didn't feel a kiss was necessary. And I didn't feel like the mood was there. It would have felt awkward and forced. At the second date she hugged me at the beginning and end of it. I felt like these were platonic hugs. There wasn't any sort of physical tension being built up on these two dates.

Yet the guys I've talked to have pretty much told me that I'm stupid for not kissing her after two dates. I'm going way too slow, etc. I explained that the mood just wasn't there. It didn't feel right. t would have felt forced if I went for the kiss. And it felt like she was platonic with me. Then a guy says, "well maybe you two just don't have chemistry". Well here's the thing, I feel like I don't have chemistry with anyone! My only sexual experiences outside of the directly paid variety include an ex-girlfriend whom I had developed an online relationship with before an offline one and that relationship ended. We were just too different for each other. She is this extroverted neurotypical with a vibrant social life. I'm an introvert who doesn't feel comfortable having to socialize with her friends. And then there was this desperate psycho girl who just threw herself at me. Other than that, it's been escorts all the way. lol.

My neurotypical friends suggested that I try to get a third date with her. This time a movie/netflix date at her place (she mentioned her fondness for netflix on our second date). And they tell me that I absolutely have to kiss her this time or else it's game over (I haven't asked her yet. She might not even agree to a third date).

I feel pretty lost with this whole dating stuff. I don't develop "chemistry" with anyone. And I'm interested in hearing whether other Aspies relate. I feel like it's impossible for me to have "chemistry" with others. Like my brain just isn't wired that way. I wonder if I should continue going on dates and trying to see if I can have this chemistry with someone. Or if it's just pointless. There has to be more to life though than just making money and engaging in my hobbies and interests in my free time though. Those neurotypicals seem to derive a lot of pleasure from dating and human social relationships in general. So maybe they are worth pursing. But I don't know if I am neurologically capable of profiting from these experiences like the neurotypicals do and if I would just be wasting my time, money and effort on these pursuits when I could be devoting them more fully to my hobbies.

And I'm pretty confused about what it is that I want. If I even want a relationship or sex (I don't find sex to be very enjoyable. I've never cum from sex. But can through masturbation). Or if society just told me that I should want those things. I've already mentioned in a previous thread that I would chase after idealized Hollywood-like romantic love and be addicted to that feeling. In my life I have "loved" two women, my ex-girlfriend mentioned above and a woman I had an online relationship with. But it wasn't a love of any real substance. It was more about me being in love with being in love and feeling wanted and desired by another. I treated love like an obsession/hobby and it happened to be my favourite one.

I only ever felt any kind of chemistry once in my life. This was with a person I dated for only a week. She betrayed me after that time period. I have never felt such chemistry with anyone since. That was a little over four years ago now. I would say if you don't have that feeling of excitement in you, you probably will end up having this situation feel forced.

f**k that BS. Do what you feel like doing. That's what a real manly man would do.

I can definitely relate with that, at one point I felt the same way about myself; that chemistry was something only for NT's, something that happened out an instinct I didn't have, the instinct I must compensate for most of the time. Until a certain day where I kissed an stranger after 15 minutes of dancing, after some retrospection and talking about it with someone else I came to the conclusion that it had been chemistry, and since then, I've felt it again in other occasions, always with good results.

What ShamelessGit said is actually a good part of it, do what you feel like doing (within reasonable limits, of course). Do you feel like tickling? Tickle. Like hugging? Like putting your arm through her shoulder? Like kissing? Then do it. When you said the mood wasn't there at the moment of kissing, I agree, when it's not, then it's not. The problem I find at explaining chemistry is... it indeed comes from instinct, from following your body and letting go of your mind, from trusting you're doing the right thing, definitely not what my overthinking self is used to Before reaching that point though, I'd been practicing with increasing the frequency and intensity of my physical contact with men and woman within socially acceptable boundaries, which are actually more than you'd think, until it didn't feel awkward at all. Also, being daring, while still taking small steps. If you haven't so much as given someone a handshake and then try to kiss her it will be very awkward and forced, and may ruin the mood. But if you do the very same thing, to give an example, while she's on your lap and you're embracing each other, even if you fail it won't be such a big deal (I guess what I want to get at is, you dare to kiss her but only after daring to moving her to your lap but only after daring to putting an arm around her waist and so on). I hope it helps, sometimes it still feels like sorcery to me

I'm no expert on this at all, but based of previous expierence you should just kiss her. I went out with my previous GF for five months and we didn't kiss, when she broke up with me it was never stated but implied that part of the reason was that. In my mind I never saw her wanting or expecting me to but if its part of why she broke up she must have been.

The reason she stated was something like "it didn't feel real". I may be analyzing this wrong but if real couples kiss and we didn't then it could feel not real.

Anyway if you like the girl just go for it, you would be on a third date so she may even be expecting it. I wish I realized that before, don't make my mistake.

She declined my third date invitation. I feel like I was right to trust my gut instinct on this one. She wasn't giving me any sort of vibes beyond the platonic. Those were friend smiles, those were friend hugs. Why would I go for the kiss when the spark isn't there?

Me: I'm just going to relax. I deserve it. lol. Hey would you like to do a Netflix/DVD movie type thing at your place? You said you had a big tv.
Her: I've had a good time on our previous dates, but unfortunately I don't really see this going anywhere.
Me: After that second date I figured you might have thought I was being passive for no going for a kiss after two dates. I didn't feel the necessary tension/mood/whatever was there to go for it. I had fun and think you're pretty but I didn't want to force anything.
Her: That's not it. You didn't do anything wrong I just don't feel a connection
Me: Fair enough. I wanted to give it another shot. But yea there wasn't that tension/connection/whatever you want to call it.

Unfortunately that's how it goes sometimes. Like you though, I don't really feel that I've ever really developed "chemistry" with someone. At least, no more chemistry than I have with anyone else I've ever interacted with. I'm pretty sure that's my biggest obstacle with respect to dating, but unfortunately it's also one of the more ill-defined parameters.