He's always reading me wrong

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I have a fiance, and I love him very much. One thing that really bothers me is that he is often commenting on my emotions, and he is almost always reading me wrong. It's so frustrating, and it annoys me to no end.

This isn't anything new, all my life I've had people say that I look mad or sad when I'm not. They'll ask me, "What's wrong?" when I feel good. I even had an obnoxious woman at work who wouldn't even call me by my name, she called me "Sunshine".

With my fiance, it bothers me more. I guess I feel like he should know better. And I even tell him not to comment on my emotions. Here's a few examples. We were out shopping, and he was browsing, looking for a gift. He was debating whether or not to go to other stores in the mall. I had no problem with it, I was just standing there, patiently, waiting for him to make up his mind. He said, "You look really annoyed with me. I'm sorry, I can't decide." I told him that wasn't the case, I really was just standing there. I felt nothing. I was fine. He kept insisting I was annoyed, so we left. I think we left because I was annoyed. Even though I actually wasn't until he kept saying that I was!

Something similar happened tonight. We had a get-together with some of his friends. There was some drinking going on. I only had one drink, and I was slightly buzzed. Everyone else was much more drunk, but I was content to sit back and watch them play pool and ping-pong. I'm terrible at pool, and I already lost at ping-pong because they were having a tournament.

My fiance kept saying I looked bored and that it was okay for me to leave. I told him that I was fine, and I didn't want to leave yet. Again, he kept insisting I looked unhappy. I said, "No, this is just my normal face. You can't always tell what I'm thinking based on my face." Right after I said that, he said, "No, that right there was your normal face." I must have been a little more animated while I was speaking.

I find this really irritating, and it becomes self-fulfilling. I feel fine until someone says something, and then I get annoyed, and that basically proves their point that I was annoyed all along. Anyone else have this problem?

I am tired of him telling me that I am feeling negative emotions even when I'm not. I've tried talking to him about it, but I can't seem to get through to him. Any advice?

Sounds like your "neutral" face looks like a negative one to everyone else. That's very common around here!

I pose this question to others and I'm working on perfecting it so it doesn't sound rude:

Which makes more sense - expecting everyone to read your mind and guess the correct emotion despite what your face tells them
or
work on changing your face to more accurately reflect your emotions?

I've had to do this too... it's work and sometimes tiring to actively think of something that'd normally be automatic. It's fair to everyone else though, rather than getting frustrated with everyone who misinterprets I'm mad/mean because that's what my face says to them.


I'll let you know when I manage to perfect this though... I'm still nowhere near "natural".

It'll take a LONG time for your fiancee to train himself that a furrowed face that screams "I'M ANGRY" is actually not! IMO, the responsibility is more yours than his.

You described me to perfection. I get that *all* the time I am me. I try to be myself with people who know me, and I just don't get why after all these years I still get those comments. I can understand a stranger not understanding, but a close relative/friend/partner?

I also get angry, if told I was prior to that, when I wasn't.

This is why I prefer to be alone.

I'm guessing your partner isn't an aspie then?

Nope, my guy is definitely not an Aspie.

And BlueMax, I can see your point about trying to work on facial expressions. The only problem is that I have tried to smile when I don't feel like it, and it just feels so uncomfortable and fake. I've seen a few pictures of me doing this, and it looks like I'm smirking.

Well, even if it's not a full-on smile... just concentrating on making sure you don't appear all frowny... at least when you're not knee-deep in actual work.

A lot of folks post their pictures on here and just use that neutral expression... they often appear sad/angry because of that frowny lips/face!

Let's face it... being an Aspie is hard enough without sabotaging ourselves by our own faces! (Yeah, sometimes I still do it too!)

well iv'e never been married before but

1. You could always get marriage counselling?

2.Talk to your fiance about your problems. I mean you guys are gonna get married and spend the rest of eternity together so you might as well discuss your problems with each other.


Thats all I got.

I agree that it's worth working on your "neutral" expression, but in the interim, would it be a huge deal for your fiance to ask you how you feel rather than just assuming? When in doubt, ask. Right?