How to address sexual dysfunction?

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Due to a neurological condition she suffered from as a child, my future wife has low physical sensation and low sex drive. She's never had an orgasm, and generally all the initiating of sex is being left up to me. It's not an activity that seems to cross her mind much, and she'll often forget that couples usually have it on a weekly basis. 6 months ago I felt like I had to talk to her about "scheduling" time for it because even at the beginning of the relationship it seemed more a matter of remembering to do it, than of it naturally happening.

I'm having trouble sometimes, mostly related to feeling rejected, and occasional sexual frustration. Her lack of sexual desire is evident in her behaviors - she's more prone to laughing / being ticklish when responding to physical touch - I have to be up front and tell her ("I'm horny") - which of course removes all the flirting and subtlety which I like. I can count on one hand the # of time sex has occurred naturally and casually between us. She's initiated once in the 17 months of our relationship.

People our age typically do so 6-8 times a month on average (I did some research when she asked), but I have no issues with less, once a week is fine. In my 2 past relationships it was every other day or so, for years. It's gotten more difficult lately, too, as the relationship goes on - the energy I get from her seems more like one of obligation, than of actual interest. I've been afraid that sex even once a week seems like too much for her, and I think she's afraid to tell me. I sometimes feel like it's an interruption in her schedule.

Her last 3 boyfirends all cheated on her, and part of her seems to know that this is a main reason why. So, there's also an emotional element there as well, a stressfulness she associates with sex, which shuts her down even more I think.

She used to smoke pot with her college boyfriend, the only one that didn't cheat, she says that made her sexually excited. She doesn't smoke anymore, and I never have. I sometimes get jealous that her ex-boyfriend had that advantage and have said so. One of the things that allegedly turns her on is "talking dirty" but I told her early on that's not really in my personality.

She doesn't think it's a problem - unless I am going "make it one" (her words). Which seems not really fair way to look at it. The few disputes we've had about it seem to always gravitate towards the "sex isn't everything in a relationship" as though that's all I'm thinking about. I'm not. But often the sex we do have has been emotionally unsatisfying, when she's unresponsive or apparently not even interested in having it. It's a form of intimacy that is not fully there - and I'm not sure how to address it sensibly. She's certainly capable of being very turned on, I've seen it before. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I'm trying to get us both into counseling, so at least she won't feel alone with the problem. We need to explore the issue if we're going to be married - I just hope this is the right thing to do.

Last edited by abyssquick on 05 Dec 2012, 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think you're doing the right thing.

yes - the counseling is a good thing. Her attitude of "I don't have a problem - YOU do!" sucks because she DOES have a problem and refuses to acknowledge it! That's a relationship killer over time!

It also sounds to me that you may have a sexual compatibility problem ( which in my opinion is huge and could signify dramatic future problems in your marriage). It reads as if she likes "rough sex" and you are more romantically inclined. She told you she likes the "talk dirty" scenario, whereas you don't.

If I am not wrong this is the second post about this problem you have posted?

If you really want my opinion, I think this isn' something that can get better. Love alone won't feed a marriage. Sorry.

I agree completely with aspiesandra27. I think this is a fundamental sexual incompatibility problem, not a sexual dysfunction problem.

I didn't go into much detail, mostly because I don't think people would read 3 pages of text.

She doesn't like "rough" sex, either. She has fetishes which I certainly don't mind - I've been trying to explore what she does find interesting. I just can't do "dirty talk," specifically, and keep a straight face. Doesn't mean I'm not open to other things, though.

It's more a matter of trying to find out what emotional issues she has surrounding it. I've noticed a problem she has with it, emotionally, I think, that seems centered around past boyfriend experiences. It's an avoidant thing, it seems, that began as something physiological (less sensation).

I don't know if anyone here has experience with this sort of counseling/therapy or not - or how to even approach the subject.

"Approach the subject" with whom? Your fiancée, or a therapist?

Last edited by mv on 05 Dec 2012, 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Both, I suppose.

With someone you're planning to marry, you need to have the freedom to talk about things. If not, your marriage is doomed from the outset, as long as you both value your own opinions.

I'm sure you've discussed other things, like goals for the future, how many children you'd potentially like to have, where you'll live, etc. Sexual compatibility, especially if it's as misaligned as you and your fiancée's sounds, is another thing that needs to be addressed before you make a permanent commitment, or else one or the other of you (or both) will live in resentment, perpetually. I would be gentle but firm in bringing it up. As I said before, I see this as an incompatibility between you two, NOT as a problem she has. Kindly ask her if she's willing to explore such a central and important tenet of love, with a therapist.

Find a couples therapist that isn't squeamish talking about sexual incompatibility (you'd be surprised how many squeamish therapists there are out there). Find one you'll both be comfortable talking to, because as with all couples' counseling, eventually each of you will have to tell your own story without the other partner there.

Remember to come at this from a place of love. There are no bad guys, just a potential mismatch that may or may not be workable.

I wish you all the best, but I'm frankly surprised that you're engaged with this kind of issue (and a reticence to discuss it) still hanging over your heads.

I'm not sure whether it is - and I am rather adaptable. That's part of my personality. I'm asking questions mainly for perspective. It's been just me and her talking about it on occasion, and maybe I don't have enough perspective. Everything else about the relationship is perfectly fine and compatible. It's been great, actually.

I also don't think she realizes how different she is. I've been with other women before, it's very different with her. As in, well outside the norm for sensation and interest, from the very beginning. Nobody has told her this before, so naturally it's difficult to approach. Instead of telling her, her past boyfriends cheated on her. I don't feel like doing that.

I'm not using the word "dysfunction" lightly. It's a real physiological thing, and people who had the disease she did as a kid nearly always have it in adulthood. So, I have been considering the issue more complicated than compatibility.

Last edited by abyssquick on 05 Dec 2012, 3:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.

MV for the win again! I couldn't have said it better!

I wish I had posted 3+ pages explaining everything. I did a lousy job writing things out with every necessary detail and caveat about the situation.

D'awww thanks!

And abyssquick, it's heartening to read what you wrote just before BlueMax. That makes me glad to hear. So sweet, I'm really rooting for you guys!

(to our Aussies, that's not a bad word, it means I'm cheering for them, hoping for their success)

^^^yes, this. and mv has the advice spot-on.

but also abyssquick... keep in mind that if she has a genuine neurological condition that limits her enjoyment of sex and possibly prevents her from reaching orgasm, it might NEVER be something that she is particularly "into". it would truly be a chore for her if it doesn't feel that great. in her younger days, under the influence of drugs, she might have thought, "hey, this is going somewhere!! !" and then... it didn't go anywhere. no real stimulation. no orgasm. perhaps she got disillusioned.

this might be something that can't be "fixed", but is simply the way she IS. in that case, can you live with it?

Sexual incompatibility can ruin relationships. There are people out there with a shedload of problems in their head that have no problem at all screwing every night and finding someone they are happy with. Ask yourself if you want to fix these "dysfunctions" because you love them, because you think you love them, or because you don't want the relationship to end. I won't make any baseless assumptions at this point but what I will say is really really really think over what people have said already about sexual compatibility. No matter what either of your problems are, or how nice either of you two are or how nice you are together, sometimes 2 people just don't fit together.

EDIT: Just wanted to say I agree with lex on this one. Can you live with the idea that you may not be able to satisfy her in "that way" no matter how good you are? It might be worth considering the idea that you could make her feel complete in other ways.

I don't think relationship differences are any one person's "problem"- they're the couple's problem.
I really think the issue is her refusal to even acknowledge that this is important to him, and is a valid need/want.

OP sounds really reasonable- even if she weren't able to keep up with a "quota" of sex,
I bet knowing that she respected his feeling and was TRYING would work wonders on his happiness.
Demeaning his feelings is a pretty big no-no, in my book.