Internet Friend Disappeared

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Sorry if this is in the wrong forum. I placed it here since I have feelings for the girl in question. Apologies for the sheer length of this post as well.

Just over a year ago I ended up developing feelings for a girl I was friends with online, who I talk to over MSN. I told her how I felt and she told me that she didn't feel the same way, but we continued to be friends and things went back to normal pretty quickly. In February last year she was talking to a friend of hers about me and she told this friend that she didn't consider me a friend and that I was 'just someone to talk to'. Her friend told me this information and when I raised the issue with the girl I like initially she told me she was lying to her friend to try and stop her from asking questions about me. However, come the end of the argument she ended up telling me that what she told her friend was true and she was just pretending to be my friend for the last year and a half. This ended the relationship and she stopped signing into MSN in order to avoid me. Over the next month I asked her to sign into MSN a couple of times through Twitter so she could explain why she did it to me. Both times I asked her to she signed in immediately. After this month she told her friend on Twitter that what she told her before wasn't true and that she lied to her because she didn't want to talk about me with her at that time. Her friend passed this on to me, so I contacted the girl I like again through Twitter asking her to sign into MSN so that we could talk about it. She told me that she would think about it and would sign in later when she was ready. Two weeks later she still hadn't signed in, so I contacted her again and she said she'd sign in soon. Two weeks later she still hadn't, so I contacted her again and she finally signed in. She told me that she lied before when she told me she was pretending to be my friend. She said that she only told me this because I was thinking it and she didn't think there was anything she could say that would change my mind, so she took what she thought was the easiest option at the time. At this point we decided to try being friends again and a few weeks later things were back to normal between us.

That's most of the background story over, now I'll move on to the problem I'm having now. Three and a half months ago she stopped having any interest in anything I had to say. Every time I raised a subject she would just reply with 'Oh OK :0'. It didn't what the subject was, this was all I would receive in response, even if it was a subject she was highly interested in. I even tried linking conversations she raised to related ones of my own, but still all I got was 'Oh OK :0'. The whole time I've known her I've been used to her change in attitude towards me. There were a lot of times where she would go completely silent on me, not saying a word unless I did and when I did it was extremely rare for me to get more than 'Oh OK :0' in response. This would last for a week or two before she switched to motormouth mode where she would be telling me every little detail about her life and being interested in almost everything I had to say. What happened three and a half months ago was different though, as she was extremely chatty, constantly talking to me about her interests and day. I gave it some time hoping that it would pass but it continued for a month and a half. The longer it went on the more difficult I found it to talk to her as I knew that she wouldn't be interested in anything I said and in order to avoid getting my feelings hurt I started initiating conversations less and less. In the end it reached the point where I didn't even say 'hey' to her as it didn't feel right to initiate a conversation only for me to say nothing. After we didn't talk for a couple of days she sent me a message asking me what was wrong, so I told her.

The reason I hadn't told her before is because she doesn't like talking about problems and prefers to sit on them letting them become bigger problem than they ever should have been. She's also complained in the past whenever I've raised an issue and once it's raised she becomes extremely silent, which makes any issue difficult to resolve with her as she's not willing to talk about it and doesn't understand why it's important to do this.

Anyway, when I told her about the problem she told me that she thought I was overreacting and that she didn't understand why I was upset that for a month and a half she had zero interest in anything I had to say. This is something she should understand as she has first-hand experience at being on the receiving end of this in school, as some of her fellow students took pity on her because she didn't have any friends and would let her hang out with them but wouldn't talk with her about any topics she raised. After I re-worded the issue I had and tried to relate it to her school experience without being too obvious, as I know she hates talking about her past, she told me that she understood why I was upset and she apologised.

For the following two weeks my sleep pattern went out of control and I slept through the entire time that she was online, which meant that I didn't get to talk to her. However, my MSN is set to not show me as away when I am away and as my computer is on 24/7 with MSN running, she had no idea that I was not available for her to talk to. However, not once did I wake up to see that while I was sleeping she had sent me a message. The first time she was online while I was awake I sent her a message and tried to have a conversation with her. I asked her why she hadn't contacted me over the last two weeks and she told me that she needed some time alone, but she was OK to talk now. I tried talking to her a little, but I still felt nervous. She didn't attempt to initiate any conversation with me like I had with her and in her responses to me she didn't seem herself, which made things feel even more awkward for me. That night she ended up signing out without saying good night to me, which is something that she has never done before, even when we have had arguments and the atmosphere has been uncomfortable in the past. Since then she hasn't signed into MSN once (or she has blocked or deleted me) even though a month and a half has passed. Since she hasn't said anything to me and has just vanished without saying anything I have no idea if she's decided that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore and doesn't have the decency to tell me, or if she needs some time apart for whatever reason. It seems most logical that she doesn't want to be friends anymore though, as I was the injured party and not her.

Anyway, a month ago I contacted her on Twitter (this is the only method I have of contacting her other than turning up on her doorstep) asking her if she could sign into MSN. She only told me that she wouldn't sign in to MSN 'tonight'. I asked her if she still wanted to be friends and she told me that she thought I was overreacting (which neither I or my friends that I have spoken to about this think I was, as her not wanting to be friends with me is the most logical conclusion based on her actions). I asked her again and she told me that she did, but she didn't like it when I complained about anything. Two weeks passed and she still hadn't signed in to MSN, so I contacted her through Twitter again. I asked her when she would sign into MSN and she told me that she didn't know, so I asked her to give me a rough date. She then complained that I was putting pressure on her, so I apologised and tried to make her understand what it must be like for me since she has vanished for so long without explaining why. She then told me that every time I message her on Twitter the longer she's adding to when she'll sign in to MSN again, which I think is extremely harsh and childish and made me feel even worse about the situation than I did before.

The following day I heard that MSN Messenger will be closing in 2013, so there is a limit to how long there is left on the clock for her to sign in and either attempt to resolve this or for her to let me know what's going on. Because of this I decided to contact her on Twitter one final time. This time I made it clear that I still wanted to be friends with her, as I wasn't sure if I had conveyed that particularly well before, and that I didn't think that what had happened prior to her stopping signing into MSN was that big a deal (it definitely isn't relationship-ending or a reason for her to run away into hiding for two months) and I was confused as to why she's vanished without saying anything. I also told her that I didn't want to talk about it over Twitter due to the public nature of it and the PM system not working for me there. I also linked her to an article saying that MSN Messenger would be closed down in January (although it actually closes down in March/April), so unless she's looked deeper into it as far as she's concerned she has to sign in some time this month. She told me that she would 'think about it'.

Two weeks have passed since then and she still hasn't signed in and I'm pretty certain that she isn't going to. I've checked my list of MSN contacts through live dot com and she is listed by her e-mail address instead of her display name and she also has a new display pic since we last spoke. The picture is from a TV show she started watching a couple of weeks ago, which means that she has signed into MSN sometime over the last two weeks, so I have either been blocked or deleted. If I have been deleted then I worry that on the chance that she does want to talk to me on MSN she will have forgotten my e-mail address in order to re-add me. Also, as she lied to me over Twitter by telling me that she reformatted her computer and hasn't installed MSN yet, I worry that she would be too stubborn to admit that she had previously lied and that I've actually been deleted. I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but I have decided that if she hasn't signed in by the 29th of December, then I will send her another message asking her to sign into MSN as it could be gone in a few days, giving her my MSN address in the process in case she doesn't remember it.

I know that she has some sort of disability, although she hasn't told me what it is and in fact denies having one, claiming that she's on a disability support scheme because she was bullied in school. This is obviously untrue, but I can understand why she wouldn't want to tell me even though I have told her that I have Asperger's. I wonder if this could be the cause for her behaviour.

I'm really struggling to find a way to deal with this. While I suppose it should be obvious that she doesn't want to be friends anymore and the relationship is over, without her actually telling me this I have no form of closure and until I hear from her I feel that I am doomed to spend my life wondering if I'll ever hear from her again. Because of what happened regarding the incident back in February I also wonder if she is waiting for me to contact her again before she actually signs in as I know from first-hand experience that whenever there's a problem she will do nothing even if it's something that she wants to resolve. That makes this situation even tougher for me as it is likely that it is entirely down to me for anything to be done about it.

Let it go, what a pain in the arse cotcase and a waste of time - just assume its over and leave her alone unless you want this nonsense for the rest of your life.

Mate, as you get older you realise not to put up with this sort of crap from people..

You deal with it by letting it go. You don't need poisonous people in your life, an aspie has a hard enough time already. I know you're obsessed with her now but you have to trust me when I say there will be others.

Realname, I understand.

I am the same as you. I need things to be blurted out to me in clear, concise english. She should have had the decency to say:

I do not want to be friends with you. I do not want you in my life.

Only then would it be clear.

It's al very well for others to say let go, but letting go in theory is one thing, and being different and wanting people to be straight and honest with you is another. You are not asking for much. You are asking for the truth.

Hugs.

I'm 25. I've had experience with relationships before. Normally I wouldn't take this s**t, but 90% of the the time things were great with her. Things only became a problem whenever one of us had an issue with something the other was doing/had done as she doesn't realise that issues can be resolved by talking about them and so doesn't like doing it. Her usual response is to ignore me to some extent, which results in the problem being dragged out for longer than it ever should have been, becoming a larger issue in the process. For all I know she's had an extreme over-reaction to me being upset about her having no interest in anything I had to say for a month and a half. I know that she doesn't understand males at all as she has no experience of them. Her entire impression of them is what she's learnt through media, so she thinks we're all emotionless, sex-obsessed bastards and she never understands why I feel the same emotion as she does in the same situation. That makes this situation all the more trickier.

It's probably worth mentioning that a number of years ago there was a guy she liked online, then one day he just vanished on her without saying anything. It hurt her a lot and ever since she's found it really hard to trust anyone, especially online as she fears that they may one day leave her, possibly doing the same thing by just vanishing again. However, she doesn't seem to understand why I am so hurt by this situation right now even though she has experienced it herself first-hand.


That's easier said than done. She's left me completely in the dark here. If I begin to try and move on, I'm going to feel a lot worse than I do now if in two or three months time she suddenly turns up on MSN again and speaks to me.


I've even told her this directly over Twitter. Even explaining that I was asking her directly because I know that it's a hard thing to say to someone and that if that is what she has decided I would prefer to know rather than being left clueless as to what is what is going on, never knowing if I'll ever speak to her again or not. She refused to give me a straight answer and danced around the subject. The best I got was 'If you don't want to be friends with me anymore, then I don't want to be friends with you either', even though I never said that I didn't want to be friends with her.


I know that it should be clear now, but this girl seems to function differently from everybody else on the planet. If she's ever upset about something, she complains when I try and cheer her up and reassure her. Apparently the correct response is to completely ignore her and pretend she hasn't said anything, which is very hard to do when you care about someone. I can't jump to conclusions with this girl because no matter how obvious the conclusion may be, because of the way she is I could be completely wrong.


Exactly. Unfortunately this girl has huge problems with telling the truth. She will tell me one lie one month, then a contradictory lie the next, followed by yet another contradictory lie the following month, etc. It makes things very complicated.

1. The more you say about her the more I think she's toxic. If it happened to her you'd think she'd have some maturity and common sense and not do it to others.

2. I know. You're speaking to someone who has had terrible trouble letting go. But amongst that - I have learned to more than I used to be able to, and I'm just trying to help you with my experience. Sometimes you never get closure.

When I was in my early 20s, the same thing happened to me with a guy who I met and then he completely avoided me and I got no explaination. It bothered me for ages, but pestering them is not the way forward. I learned this. Now if someone rejects me, I hold the door open for them and I'm much better off for it.

It's better when you can get closure. But you can't force people to give it to you so sometimes you have to learn to move on without closure. It happens all the time for me. Yeah, it feels like a knife is being stabbed in for that moment, but then you try to accept it.

This has happened to me before, and because of the time and emotional energy I invested in her, and the fact that I felt she was perfect for me, it really hurt beyond anything else I can comprehend.

I've posted about it numerous times before, so I won't mention the details again.

It doesn't even have to be a woman I'm attracted to, it can be anybody (male or female) I just enjoy talking to.

Hey Tim,

It can be tough, and we do get a bit emotionally attached to people (that "how many years you've known them and then divide by two" thing doesn't work for me), a bit too attached.

You will not hear from her. You will wonder what's going on forever and that's simply how certain relationships end (my gawd, you sound like the last girl I "broke up" with, not a bad way!)

Some relationships end that way, w/o closure. It can be because someone died, it can be because the relationship never blossomed, or it can be that things did take a turn for the worse (which she tried to communicate) but you weren't receptive.

Sometimes...

1. You end it
2. She ends it
3. It ends

I think you're in #3 w/o really knowing #2. She ended it in her own way. To be honest, that's usually how I end relationships myself.

I had this sort of problem with someone from here who was more than just friends. They started it, but didn't have the decency to come to realization their feelings weren't what they said they were. Their solution? To vanish from the Internet, pretend they had to be hospitalized, and also to change their name in the same community (probably more than 1 name at the same time) though do a very unconvincing job of it. After I offered understanding even at this point they got a "friend" to pass on the message once and that was the end of it. A month passes and they are "in a relationship" with someone from their university and totally agree with things this person thinks despite them thinking the polar opposite previously (they sold out their beliefs).

What did I do in all of this? The first week of disappearance was gut wrenching. I was genuinely concerned. When I realized what had really happened, I just pitied the sheer immaturity and irresponsibility of the person and simply let them go. I haven't really thought about them since until I saw this topic.

My friend, you deserve to be treated better than how you are being treated by this people-pleasing shell of a person. They cannot give you or their other friend an honest answer because they do not know how to be honest even to themselves and live with their own decisions. They want the attention of you both yet haven't got the integrity to say "yeah I'm friends with both of you" or "i really don't like you". Letting go is hard, but I hope you muster the strength to let this person go before they distort your thought processes and affect your future relationships with others, not just the girls you like.

JanuaryMan, you're scaring me. You described my very own situation right down to the other person ending up in a relationship a month later.