Just now self-diagnosed - Wife of 12-1/2 years has left

Post Reply New Topic

I ask your patience while I set the background:

I am the middle of three boys from a rural background. I know now that I was a typical Aspie growing up. I had few friends and I realize now that most of them probably thought I was weird and just tolerated me. I don't recall any closeness with my parents - few verbal or physical displays of affection. I was very lonely, and I realize now, depressed. I did however ace high school and received scholarships to a university honors program. My college years were more of the same, except I was more depressed, lost some of the motivation and didn't do nearly as well academically. All throught my life I have known on some level that I was acting in ways that didn't fit in and was very self-concious, but had trouble compensating. I was hopelessly awkard with girls and did not date.

I began to have debilitating abdominal pain at the age of 12. My older brother having ulcers, our rural doctor simply assumed that I had them as well and treated me as such. There was no improvement. Just after HS graduation, I had surgery for a fistula, but doctors were still clueless. While in college, during a summer break, in desperation I made an appointment with another doctor who immediately diagnosed Crohn's. The treatments at the time were marginally effective. I had a similar surgery when about 25. Pain, fevers, fatigue, and depression were nearly nonstop for many years.

I graduate university at the bottom of a recession. That, combined with my physical and mental state, left me unemployed and unable to effectively seek employment. I finally found work by a fluke 2-1/2 years later, but my performance was poor and I knew it. I know now that it was Asperger's and the emotional toll causing debilitating anxiety.

They began to treat my Crohn's more agressively with steroids, which I tolerated very poorly. This piled on more mental effects. The steroid psychosis did give me energy and made me more outgoing and entered into my first relationship. She was an older (7 years) divorcee with two children with little education. It lasted for ~3 years, though we had nothing in common. I left during her pregnancy, after loosing my job and finding another far enough away that I had to relocate, knowing that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with her. I admitted paternity, paid child support, and had my daughter with me every weekend from the time she was three weeks old. When she was 3-4 months old, my ex refused visitation because she was mad that I didn't come back to her. Legal battles to maintain visitation rights happened off and on for many years.

I had gone from job to job about every three years; still underperforming and riddled with anxiety and illness. As I began a new job when my daughter was 3, I met a recent divorcee, 3 years my junior with three children from 4 to 8. She had initated the divorce, but given custody to her husband. From the stories she told me, it appeared that he had her so beaten down that she thought it best at the time. Later, I wondered if she wasn't in a deep depression similar to mine.

Again, the relationship began while I was on high-dose steroids. I was a sexual dynamo. She craved the attention. 2 - 1/2 years later, we married. All through our courtship, we both struggled with visitation issues and missed our children terribly. As soon as we married, we bought a house with enough room for them all and began to try to get custody of her 3. After 3 years, a lot of $ and disappointments, and the oldest being kicked out of his home, we succeeded.

Six weeks after marriage, I had my first intestinal resection. During these first 3 years, I was in horrible physical condition, not performing my job (and I knew it), and nearly insane with worry about providing financially and failing to get custody. My wife could not understand the strain I was under; I think because she was so emotionally needy and depressed, and became very agitated; throwing tantrums and obviously very unhappy.

With my Apserger's (which I had never heard of), Crohn's, and the many stresses I felt, I withdrew, which made her worse. She became so agitated and ranted so badly that the children hid from her on visitation weekends. I was in shock and unable to deal with the situation. What little intimacy we had (Asperger's again) went out the window. But I never considered giving up on our relationship, though I hadn't a clue what to do to improve it. I also continued to pursue custody of her children as my driving ambition.

When we got custody, I thought that everything would be OK I guess. It didn't improve that much. A year later, when my health began to improve a little from a period when it was so bad that I was in a complete daze, I discovered that she had been having an affair for ~3 months. When I confronted her, she openly admitted it. Without saying so, I'm sure she knew that I expected it to stop. It did, but she continued to speak with him by phone, which I discovered and confronted her about. She became angry that I wanted her to cease contact with him, but as far as I know, she did.

Almost 8 more difficult years followed. My employer of 10 years went bankrupt. I struggled to find work while sick and stressed and continued to underperform and was incredibly anxious about it. I went through 3 more jobs, finally landing at the most stressful job I've ever had. I lived on liquids for several months because I was constantly on the verge of obstructing while working uninsured. I made it 8 weeks in the current job before emergency surgery. My daughter refused visitation just after her 16th birthday and I haven't seen her in 1-1/2 years. She hates my wife for making her feel unwanted by nitpicking her. I supported her and her children full time - their father never exercised visitation. We bought a mobile home for my oldest daughter, son-in-law, and two grandchildren that they were to make payments on. They never did; eventually moved out, and stuck us with lot rent. Then my wife moved into it and said she wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken.

After about 6 weeks, I thought we made up. She came back for a few months. We sold the trailer. Then, her brother, who lived with a sister, died. She went to stay with her sister. She never came back. She stopped by the day after the funeral to tell me.

Between the 2 times she left, my personal situation improved immensely. My doctor found the right combination of drugs for depression/anxiety. My short-term memory is back, I function on less sleep with more energy, and I've become the go-to guy at work. I made a huge leap when I self-diagnosed latent food alergies. My Dr. det me up on an elimination diet. It ended up being wheat and dairy (which I just discovered on WP is linked to AS! - And so is Crohn's!). I cut them out and my intestinal problems are gone. I started going to the gym and feel better than I have in 35 years (I'm 47). I felt so good that I felt ready to start trying to gingerly become more intimate with my wife. She seemed to respond reluctantly, but later said she was trying to get her feelings back, but couldn't.

She said that she doesn't love me anymore; has been wanting to leave for a long time; only came back because she felt sorry for me; said she had to stop hurting me (must feel some guilt), though I had not felt that she was and had forgiven everything she'd done - because I knew that I was not fulfilling her needs for intimacy and I thought all of our problems were caused by that. She acted angry that I didn't want to just let go. She cried and said, "You should hate me."

Just then, while researching relationship issues on the net, I stumbled onto Asperger's and was floored! That's me! I copied the Wikipedia entry for it and e-mailed it to her. The e-mail also admitted to my intimacy issues and that I froze up when criticized or she was obviously unhappy with me. Of course, she didn't seem to be understanding about the Crohn's and the stressful nature of my career (made 1000% worse by Asperger's I now know), but I took the blame. I told her I loved her 100% and would not pester her like I did the first time. She responded that it was good that I found out what was wrong with me.

She invited me over shortly thereafter when babysitting our baby grandaughter. I stayed for an hour. I sent another long e-mail later explaining how I saw our situation, how we got there, etc. In it I asked her to not contact me except as necessary for financial matters, etc., because I didn't think it did either of us any good right now. I said that we could discuss almost anything that might come up except our relationship for a couple months or so. I also asked that she not assume the role of gatekeeper between me and the rest of the family. If they want to see me, they can come to the house. I also asked that she not file for divorce right away so that I can figure out if I can afford to keep the house on only my income. She agreed.

Now, I'm working 60+ hours a week, trying to fix things on the house in case I must sell it, seldom making it to the gym, with her son still living with me. He hasn't seen or spoke to his mother in a week, though she's 2 blocks away. And he's a wonderful kid whose never give her any cause to be upset with him!

So, now my questions:

Besides seeking counseling to deal with all of the fallout, mostly from AS, what should I be be doing?

I think I'm doing the right thing by not falling into the 'just friends' trap. If she doesn't want me, then she needs to experience not having me - period. Your thoughts?

Any recommendations on how to fully explain AS and it's affect on me and our relationship? I sent her more info. by e-mail and she sent a nasty response with baffling accusations about me trying to control her.

I'm all about taking care of myself right now, but I do not want to do that at the expense of doing whatever I can to salvage our marriage. I figure I have about 6 weeks to decide what to do and start doing it.

Thanks for any input, especially from any of you AS males who are or were married to NT women.

My father has Crohns and I know that stress makes it worse.

You have my sympathies. It took about 12 years for my wife to decide she'd had enough of me. You seem to be on the right track.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You do need to take some time to just take care of yourself. Maybe a little time away from each other will do you both some good and make her realize how much she must still care for you. I have to say how commendable it is, too, that her son is still living with you. That says a lot about your character. I can't offer much advice, but wish you luck and hope that it all gets straightened out for you and you can get on with your life.

12 years seems to be a common number here. I am an AS woman who was married to an NT man for that long. The answers to your questions about what you should be doing - what I've done since separating in January of this year has been to relax and take a personal inventory about how to identify my own needs and how to make sure that I pull away from everyone before I get upset. That includes pulling myself out of work conversations. I've made my apartment my sanctuary. No one comes in except me, my children every other weekend, and my ex when he is specifically invited.

I agree with your tactic on if she doesn't want you she needs to experience not having you - this has worked out the best for my ex and I. I don't make small talk with him. I don't attempt to be his friend. Neither do we fight. He just allows me the room I need to exist in my own space and deal with him when I feel like it.

I've found that I can't explain AS to someone who doesn't have the patience to really listen.

It sounds like you are trying to formulate a plan - why do you only have 6 weeks to make a decision?

"I've found that I can't explain AS to someone who doesn't have the patience to really listen."

"It sounds like you are trying to formulate a plan - why do you only have 6 weeks to make a decision?"


With my wife, I don't think that it is a lack of patience. I think that her emotional needs are so strong that when she's not happy, that unhappiness trumps everything else. She's been mad at me for so long that I don't think it is possible for her consider the possibility that there might be a reason beyond my control for the things that angered her.

She grew up as the 10th of 11 children. Her status as the baby was taken from her when she was 7. Her favorite older brother was killed when she was 5 I think. They were very poor. An older brother molested her. Her 1st husband was a jerk. She craves love and attention like no one I've ever known.

I say that I have 6 weeks for a couple of reasons. I asked here to minimize contact and avoid relationship talk for a month or two. Also, two months puts us right in the holidays, with all of the resulting issues - Who's invited to whose family dinners? How do you explain the absence of the other without questions about status? Even gift-giving etiquette. Not to mention the melancholy of holidays spent alone. So I think that by early December, I need to have initiated counseling for me, set the groundwork for couples counseling, reevaluated my feelings, and braced myself for either the finality of what has been my life for all of these years or for the long & difficult road to recovering 'us'. They both seem almost equally intimidating to me because I'm at such a disadvantage in expressions of emotion and intimacy. She has so much hurt to overcome, and in the past, the more she was hurting, the worse I was at dealing with it.

BTW, how do I put quotes in the box like you guys are doing?

"I have to say how commendable it is, too, that her son is still living with you. That says a lot about your character."


I should make it clear - he didn't choose to stay with me. She left and he wasn't invited. Sure, he's 18 and a senior, and we're only 2 blocks apart, so no big deal there. But her ignoring him for a week? I think he feels abandoned, but won't let on. But what the hell do I know - I'm AS ;o)

At the top right of the message you want to quote, there is a quote button. That's what I use.

What I've found in my own life is that I was excited when I learned that all my quirks were AS. I wanted to share that with all of my loved ones - especially after I got a proper diagnosis. They weren't as excited as I was to learn that all of my eccentricities were things that aren't so eccentric amongst others with AS. I couldn't see at the time that I was shoving information down their throats as fast as I was finding it and hoping that they'd be nodding along with me. They weren't nodding along because they didn't realize how much I'd never fit in before - they wanted me to be "normal" (I shuddered when I typed that). So when I stopped sharing information with my family about AS and relaxed on the topic, then they started listening with their hearts and understanding how important it was to me to know that if I choose, I can seek social training to tolerate everyone around me better without feeling like they are crushing me.

Given this statement:

Do you have hopes that she will understand? Or do you just wish to learn what to do to make her happy?

Upcoming holidays - makes sense for the 6 week mark. I can see why you don't want that to be awkward or to put more emotional stress on that time of year anyway.

I was told about Asperger's a few years back after I had my son...but I was in denial for a few years...I knew I had quirks...but when you are an only child raised by parents that had the same quirks as you...you tend to think you're just a little eccentric and anti-social maybe.

When it did hit home and I tried to explain it to my husband (now my ex)...he just looked at me like I was insane..."I could change if I really wanted to, I just didn't want to"...or "isn't there a pill for that?"

I think you're heading in the right direction...just don't feel too let down if there is no understanding on her part...I think many just never will understand.

I lack advice for others, but my situation (briefly) was: married to "NT" (he was very strange, probably could be dx'd something or other) husband, we were together for 8+ years, we divorced bc. he wanted kids. That was in late 2003, a few months later, after going to counselors, I was dx'd w/Asperger's. Currently am in good relationship w/an "NT" guy, who listens to what I share about my newfound dx.

Absolutely. Wish KNT well, considering the long difficult path to dx recounted here-obstacles don't dissolve with conferring of dx, but at least one has new terminology & concepts with which to understand one's pattern. Like-minded persons are members of this forum, hope WP can serve as resource for both newly-labelled/identified persons & people to whom this is old hat.

Took me ages before I could figure that one out, even longer before I learned how to quote more than one person in a single post. Near illiterate in computer-related stuff.
To quote multiple persons you type: parentheses, the word quote, equals sign, quotation mark, member's name, quotation mark, parentheses. That's the opening, to close it you type parentheses, backslash, the word quote, parentheses. In between, you insert what you want quoted, either by retyping it (I did that at first) or by clicking & pasting w/mouse. Repeat for each separate member from whom you want to include pieces.
The parentheses are the squared ones, not rounded or bracketed, I still forget that sometimes.
Put this in clunky words, because otherwise it translates my typed example into a quote !
Hope this isn't as confusing as it looks.

My 3-yr marriage is on the rocks right now.
I'm new to all this, undiagnosed.

You sound like a really wonderful guy and I am amazed at how hard you have worked while having such a terrible illness. It sounds to me like you need to stop the emailing to her about Aspergers because it doesn't appear to be helping in any way. I'm unclear if you are still married to this woman. If so I think you should consider a divorce ASAP because she seems very harmful to you emotionally and even physically. Sounds like you have had more than enough stress in your life. Can you divorce and sell the house and quit forcing yourself to work 60 hrs a week? If her son is good kid, you get along well and you enjoy his company I would say let him stay with you because it sounds like you are the only sanity in his life. Just concentrate on yourself, him and your biological child and get these crazy women out of your life before they break you. You deserve much better treatment than that from a wife.

About the stomach problems might want to go to a Chinese dr that specializes in food allergies as they have helped many autistics to get over the weird allergies. Also may want to take probiotics since many autistics do in order to combat IBS and Candidas infections. L-Glutatmine is also advised for people with IBS or Leaky Gut Syndrome. You need to heal your body as much as healing your soul.

Best wishes!