Having kids--can you relate to this?

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I know this is long but I want your opinion on this, so hopefully someone will do me a favor and take the time to respond:

I have found out that a few (though not nearly all) of my friends already are basically sure they will want to start a family later in life. These are all in many ways typical college guys, and I don't get the idea that they feel that way because their society or religion tells them that's what they need to do.

This early focus on starting a family is very foreign to me. At this point, I mainly want sex with few or no strings attached, and I'm not even sure I will want a long-term relationship with a woman, never mind starting a family. I am in no way dead-set against these things, because I know that my opinions on sex and relationships could change over the years. However, I just don't have the "gut" feeling that having a family would be a rewarding experience, seemingly contrary to some of my friends, and contrary to the feelings I have about sex and passionate, attraction-based relationships (as opposed to more mellow companionship-based ones), both of which I'm convinced would be very enjoyable.

I'm wondering how others here feel about these issues. I have strongly suspected for some time that my emphasis on physical pleasure and flings filled with passionate, crush-like attraction as opposed to a more stable but less excitement-filled bond may be a "symptom" of my AS. As this second type of bond seems to be what gives people satisfaction when they start a family, my apathy about doing this may have a similar cause. However, every Aspie (just as every NT) is different, so I don't know if others on here can relate. I'm interested in hearing whether others share this.

I almost definitely wasn't socialized into feeling this way, as my parents seem to be the exact opposite, and even the stories they have told me about when they were my age suggest that they weren't like me then either. Of course, it may be that I just want something different than what I'm used to seeing, especially since I'm probably in my most rebellious period yet at this point.

Some of my difference also may have to do with the fact that I was slow to physically develop. I didn't show any physical signs (such as pubic or facial hair or deepening voice) of starting to go through puberty until I was almost 15, and only really started becoming interested in girls at about 14 and a half. I also became chronically ill soon thereafter, and just recently have started to get better. This illness affected sexual motivation, mainly in a psychological sense, as it adversely affected my energy level and many bodily sensations, and also took a lot of time out of my life to try and treat.

Considering that some people I know already started to develop an interest in girls during 8th grade (i.e. around 12 or 13), it may be that due to my slow development and other circumstances I am at a much earlier phase of physical and/or emotional development than my friends, compounded by my social inexperience, and once I catch up I will feel more like them.

Granted I have never been diagnosed, but all my life I have wanted a family, almost obsessively so. Maybe each person is different regardless of whether or not they are on the spectrum. I imagine there are males here who would like to have children, who haven't children presently.

For my own self, I sometimes wonder if it was because my best friend, growing up, came from a very large family. My contact with her family was really the only positive influence I had growing up, other than a close relationship with one grandmother. I spent a lot of time with this family and always respected her mother, who very much loved and wanted each child. So maybe I ended up "modeling" her in some duckling type way.

Biostructure,

Your late maturity probably doesn't mean that much. Basically, the development you describe means most of what has to work to have kids is working. If hormones have ANYTHING to do with wanting kids, it happens later. Don't think you are out of the woods. That WILL back down a bit though. If you DO have sex, realize that there is ALWAYS a chance of having kids. Condoms, IUDs, the pill, etc... have ALL failed. My father even told me of one guy that the doctor said would likely NEVER have a kid. He used that info to pick up women. After all, even women that want kids want them on THEIR timetable. His sperm count was almost non existant. Well, he had a kid!

And yeah, many girls grow up wanting a family. Obviously, some don't.

Steve

For goodness sake, be honest with the girls you go out with and say that you don't want kids in the near future. They will then know to take precautions or be prepared to bring up any children they get pregnant with probably without much help from you.

I wouldn't have liked to have a relationship with a guy with these attitudes but some girls might not mind the no strings aspect too.

I could never imagine not having children and would have been very disappointed in not having a family. I even wish I could have had just one more child but think I'm starting to go through the change of life so it's not likely.

Yet I know of at least two Aspie ladies in their 20's and 30's who definitely do not want children.

Thanks to all who have responded so far. It seems that as of now there's nobody who agrees with me on this issue, but it's still to early to say just hearing a few replies.

In regards to the slow development:
I didn't imply that I would be physically too young to have kids, but rather that people seem to change in terms of what they want from the opposite sex, and this seems particularly fast during the years of puberty and immediately after. It is my impression that guys who are just starting to get a sex drive tend to be just interested in getting laid, but then within a few years some (though not all) have changed to wanting a more stable relationship. Some of this may be biological--the brain's transition from feeling no sexual/romantic attraction in childhood to getting the full set of adult sexual feelings doesn't happen overnight, and there are likely steps along the way. Another part of it has to do with experience--some guys start having sex in their teens and then their attitude develops from that experience. Some seem to "burn out" on one-night stands and short-term relationships after having lots of them.

I was just hypothesizing that in my case, because I started to develop sexual feelings late, I haven't had any sexual experience, and even sex wasn't as much on my mind for awhile due to illness, that I might "just want to get laid" partly because I'm still in the sexual frame of mind of a typical 16/17-year-old even though I'm 21. On the other hand, it may well be (as I said) that my apathy about serious relationships has more to do with my AS reducing my tendency to emotionally bond that it has to do with my development--I was just throwing out a possible alternative explanation.

About telling girls that I don't want kids--I don't know if it's just my lack of social understanding, but I always thought that was assumed for people my age, particularly among people who go to college (which are the only people I meet anyway, even though by US national standards they are by no means all). I think very few college students have sex with the idea of having a child and having to drop out of school to take care of that child. Some unfortunately don't use protection, but that's an issue of them preferring not to use it or being too lazy, it's not that they want kids.

I somehow also assumed that the girls/women on here would be less intent on having kids than those in the general population, because I get the impression that a lot of people on the autism spectrum are somewhat obsessed with their careers (not in a bad way). Therefore, I would have thought they would be more likely to put career ahead of family.

I hope some other people will respond (preferably those around my age group, or who remember how they felt at my age so I can get an idea of how unusual I am.

I'm male, 24 years old. I know girls who are my age and want to have a family or already have kids and I know girls that don't want to think about having a family at all. Same with guys. I think it just depends on the person; you can't make blanket statements about that.

Myself, I don't ever want to have kids, for two reasons: 1. I think I would be a terrible father due to my emotional and social handicaps and 2. my life is miserable and therefore I think that it would be irresponsible to create a human being that may possibly be just as unhappy as I am. Obviously most people don't think like that but hey, you asked for input.

On that gloomy note, I hope everbody here had a great Christmas.

You English doesn't suck. I can perfectly well understand what you're saying.

As for keeping in touch with friends--do they complain about you not contacting them, or do they not want to contact you? I have quite some friends who are very difficult to stay in touch with, not because I'm not trying but because they're unfortunately always busy.

I find that most guys, provided they are nice people, are quite willing to be friends with me, even if they don't share many of my interests. Several of my friends (including my current best ones) are both interested in similar scientific things to me and have quite some Aspie traits, but my friends are not limited to these people.

I also know how disappointing it is when you can't get anywhere with the opposite sex, but it sounds like you're having some luck. Be sure to pursue that girl! I have known some girls I regret not trying harder to get involved with.