The next step ... what should I do? Any real advice welcome.

Post Reply New Topic

A bit of background first:

I'm a senior in college, diagnosed with AS at age 3, and have not yet ever been in a real relationship. In middle school and high school I was extremely shy and didn't really have a lot of friends. One day in my senior year of high school, I got sick of it and started actually talking to some people. College, for me, has been a long learning process of "how people work", for lack of a better term... especially how people work in social situations. I'm at the point now where I can hold a random conversation with just about anyone. Initiating is still a little shaky, especially if I don't know the person, but that's besides the point. Lately, I've become much better at expressing my emotions, and people, more specifically women, are starting to notice.

ANYWAY... on to the part of this post that's actually relevant to "Love and Dating"...

About three weeks ago, I met this girl at a party who goes to a college across the state from me. It was actually the after-party from my last cross country meet ever, so I'll admit that I was pretty obliterated (so was she). That said, I pretty much straight out drunkenly asked her to have sex with me. Needless to say, I got turned down, BUT ever since then, we've had several long talks on Facebook, which are actually mostly started by her. I even went to her house on my way back home for Thanksgiving break. However, neither of us has made any mention of a possible relationship, romance, sex, etc. in any of our talks since we met.

All that said, I need some advice on a few things:
- Have I already put myself in the friendzone by failing to ask her out yet?
- If not, how should I proceed? What's the next step?

Any advice at all is appreciated... I have little to no experience with things like this.

Ask her out and see what happens. If you get accepted, make sure you have a plan that would make her feel comfortable being involved in. If you get rejected, handle it graciously and maybe keep in contact with her but leave the topic alone after you ask once.

First; Bravo for approaching building relationships as a process. I have every confidence that you will graduate to dating and probably soon.

Probably not. The paranoia of Friendzone is unwarranted. Most successful romantic relationships start out as friendships. For women attraction actually tends to grow as they get to know a guy a bit. So in actuality your time spent communicating with her can be regarded as valuable foundation.


Yep. That's the next step. I guess geography may be a bit of a complicating factor here, but you're up to the task of coming up with a good date activity that can work.

Steps:
1) Dream up an appealing date activity that you might both enjoy.
2) Invite her to share that activity with you.

Thanks for the support MountainLaurel. As you can probably tell human relationships don't exactly come naturally for me, but like everyone on this site at least hopefully is, I'm trying to learn. Geography isn't as big an issue as it sounds because the state we're across is Vermont, and in the short direction at that.

Also, thanks for considering the date itself. I may speak for others with AS when I say that I have a tendency to get so caught up with getting to the point where I can ask someone out that I almost consider dating to be an ideal rather than an actual, tangible experience. I know this is not a good way of thinking about it and I'm trying to work on it.

Grandiose as it may be; I have a good feeling about this.

This young woman may be both smart and gracious. As I'm sure you know, it was jerky of you to ask for sex on your first meeting. Smart of her to simply refuse. Awkward start; yes. But she knows you're attracted to her and she has since shown that she's open to having a relationship (here I am using the term relationship in it's broadest sense) with you regardless of the gaff.

Let's look at a couple of scenarios:

Assuming that she is only interested in friendship with you...that doesn't seem congruent to me. Unhealthy women sometimes pursue friendships with men who have expressed sexual interest even when they themselves are not romantically attracted to the guy. They are teasers. They derive some validation of their attractiveness through perpetuating "friendships" with men who long for them. A healthy women won't pursue a friendship with a guy who has already indicated sexual interest if she does not feel at least, somewhat, similarly in return. That's uncomfortable for healthy woman and they avoid it.

Assuming she has some romantic attraction to you; she has already done all that a smart girl might do in this situation; she has indicated an openness to you by contacting you on Facebook. In that scenario; she has lobed the ball into your court and it's your turn.

So, as AspieMike said, ask her out and see what happens. You understand friendship is a process. So is romance.

If there were just one thing I could give to the aspie men in agony about their romantic lives, it would be this; the ability to actually enjoy being with a woman. The ability to get over themselves enough to enjoy the process of pursing the woman to whom he's attracted. And while in proximity to her, he simply enjoys her company. While this does not guarantee that she will be attracted to him; it often will cause a woman to take a second look. Why? Because people are attractive when they are enjoying themselves.

My wish for you is to go forth and really enjoy this woman.
P.S. Stopping at her family home was a good move.

Mountain Laurel is spot on. I just wanted to add my kudos to you for your hard work and for being brave. Asking her out may prove to be the easy part. Aspie guys and maintaining has been the tricky part, in my experience. Nonetheless, we're your cheering section. Keep us posted.

Sitting here reading what you just wrote... you're telling me things I know, but haven't been able to form into a coherent, logical thought process. You probably just saved me about two weeks of having to think that out by myself. Thanks.

I'm not gonna sit here and make excuses for the initial awkwardness other than to say that it really isn't the type of thing I do when I'm in my normal state of mind. I'm pretty sure she knows that, too.

As for the whole explanation of the female brain, I think that's what a lot of AS men, even men in general, have a difficult time with. When it's all spelled out in detail like that, things start to make a bit more sense.

Yep.

She's initiating conversation after the sex request? Yeah, you've still got a chance for something there... keep talking!

After being on this site for a couple days and seeing some of the "forever alone" guys on here... turning into that type of person scares the s**t out of me way more than any rejection ever could. On top of that, there's really no logical reason I shouldn't be considered attractive... I'm an athlete, a double major, a guy with money, and perhaps most importantly, someone who isn't too awkward to hold a normal conversation. People way dumber, fatter, poorer, uglier, and more awkward than I am do this with success every single day. f**k it, by the end of this week, you'll be hearing a success story from me.

a little communication goes a long way, if you are confused you can simply ask her gently of course i mean don't be loud about it just say I'm a little confused about where we are I really like you and I would like to go out with you but I'm not sure how you feel about it, if you don't feel that way about me, then i'd like to remain friends that way you are leaving it all up to her and not pressuring her. if it were me I would really appreciate the honesty and if she doesn't have an answer for you right away give her time and allow her to process her feelings all on her own without badgering her about it that would equate to pressuring her and that is never a go thing, I truly hope this helps and I wish the best of luck for the both of you

As you said, "people, more specifically women, are starting to notice".

I'm durnk as all hell and i still don't even have the balls to do it GOD DAMN IT

I can text her as a friend but i still don have the ballls to tell her i like her what he hell man

I hate my life even my awkward frends can do it with really hot girls s**t.

and starrchild its not even that im confused i know i like her and im pretty sure she likes me too but im drunk as hell as im nervous as hell ive never actually done this succsessfully before please help if you even know ANYTHING about this.....

Just admit that you have romantic feelings for her and that you are interested in more than friendship. If her response is positive, ask her out. Make sure you to are alone and do it in person. I know this works because it worked for me.

i hate everything im the most pathetic individual in the world. evne if im athletic, rich for a college student, drunk, highly intellighent i still cant do it cause i have no confidence in myself at all... even my highely confiednt frends tell me this... what the hell am i suppost do to? all i do at the bar is sit patheticly in the corner and drunk myself to nowhere land... im scared of turning into a alcoholic forever alone type guy but i dont have any idea what to do please help me if u have any advice at all i absolutely cant stand this shijt any more. even if i go to the bar with great friends all of them can find grils to go home with but not me im forever alone... this is the woraast felling in the world... seriously please help idk how much longer i can do this for. i cant even get with the fat chicks. i feel absolutely uselses when my buddy who is slower than me, dumber than me, is making out and probably having sex with this incredibly bufilul women right now and i have aboslutly NO idea how to do anything like this...