Dating Advice for Fellow Spectrumites

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I wrote this for someone I know a little while ago when he asked me for dating advice...am posting it here now as I've looked back on it and realize that it's good advice that I think that many people on the spectrum should use. It outlines some common obstacles that I find a lot of people on the spectrum, especially guys, run into when they want to date someone. I've met many people on the spectrum who have issues with dating and finding a partner. I also like looking at case studies of people on the spectrum and why their relationships don't turn out as well as they've hoped.

I find that these things aren't really issues when two people on the spectrum date each other, but rather, when a person on the spectrum attempts to date an NT. I really think that the couples I know who both have ASD may not see these things as issues with each other and thus may have more cohesive relationships. However, as the phrase "wrong planet" suggests, NTs may not understand some facets of AS and this is where we either need to strongly advocate for ourselves, or work on our behaviors.

This outlines some potential problems people with AS run into when trying to date NTs and some techniques I've created to work on them. For context, I am a female with ASD in a relationship with an NT male. Also to note: most of this advice can also be applied to when someone with ASD wants to form a friendship as well.

Dating Advice for Fellow Spectrumites

1) People with a ASD have a lot of difficulty disconnecting from their own thoughts and experiences in order to communicate well with another person. For example, they may talk a lot about themselves or their experiences and not consider that the other person has interests, lives, and experiences that they want to talk about too. In order to make a relationship work, there has to be some give and take, or sharing of experience. Your world is important, but the other person has a world too, and a good date (or friendship) involves sharing both of those worlds. Think of dating as a scale. In order to make the person feel valued, the weights on either side of the scale (your experiences and her experiences, respectively) have to be equal.

When applying this to real life, it is great to talk about yourself and your life on a date, but after a certain point, she will get bored and her attention will wander. A great way to practice this is to limit how many sentences you will bring up when you are talking about yourself and your interests, or try to set an approximate time limit of how long you'll talk about yourself. You could also bring up a topic, such as a recent film, and ask her about her opinion on it...this allows opinions and thoughts to be exchanged rather than you focusing on yourself.

2) Active listening skills. Even though I know that people on the spectrum do listen to other people, they often do not *show* that they listening very well. When the other person is talking, you can nod slowly and say "mm-hmm" or something like that to indicate that you are listening. Say these things with an upward inflection in your voice (e.g. mmm-HMM), indicating interest.

This requires a certain amount of timing, and it took me a lot of practice to get this right, so don't give up if you're off. The greatest way to show you are listening is to take what the person said and rephrase their words...this shows people you care about what they are saying. Here is an example I pulled off the net:

"He should never have called her so soon after that incident."
You might respond with "So you believe that he should have waited longer to make the call."

Take in the person's words as best you can, and try to ask them a question or two about whatever they are talking about...even if you aren't interested. But not only that, but you have to act like you are listening. This leads me to...

3) Showing appreciation for what is important to other people. Unfortunately, not everything the person is going to talk about is going to be interesting. I know this seems fake, but I would like to point out the fact that everyone does this all the time, every day, and it is why NTs are successful in their interactions. It's stupid, but it is the sacrifice you have to make to get along with people, because no one thinks the exact same thoughts. Sometimes my best friend -who I have everything in common with- will talk about the most boring thing ever, but I will ask questions, rephrase and nod my head anyway.

In order to indicate appreciation for the other person, ask the person questions about themselves and their lives, then give indications that you are listening using active listening. People LOVE it when someone does that. It flatters them, and makes them feel important and valued. If you haven't heard of something your date is talking about, always, always ask about it. As well, always compliment your date with something you genuinely find pretty, such as "Your hair looks great tonight". Show that you like them in very subtle ways as the relationship gets more intimate.

4) You need to focus on the other person as much as possible, and if you find this hard, try to give the appearance of attention and focus. Sometimes people on the spectrum appear fidgety and very distracted: so the person will look off into the corner of the room or begin to fiddle with something instead of paying attention. Having a sense of focus is flattering to most people.

Here's how to communicate nonverbally that you are focused on the person. Sit with an open posture facing them...back up straight, arms and legs uncrossed. Smile gently at the other person, and if you can't look them in the eye, look at their eyebrows, nose or mouth. Try and raise the pitch of your voice a couple of notches, and try an upward inflection when asking questions. Some people with ASD have montone voices, and these may be misinterpreted as showing uninterest or boredom. Make it seem like you are glad to meet her and that you want to listen to everything she has to say. If you are under a table and you need to let some jitters off, feel free to twitch your toes or shake your feet, (but not too much!) I still do this because it gets all of my nervous energy out while I socialize.

5) Before a date, or any kind of social interaction with one other person, it is helpful to make a list of possible things to talk about. It can be nervewracking to spontaneously bring up a topic when the person is right there, so make a list in advance. Make these things as general and considerate about the other person as much as possible. They also have to be *open-ended*, so requiring more than yes or no answers. You may talk about your special interest as long as it's not too specific/strange and it does not dominate the whole time you are spending with the other person. A personal example: I will talk about my speaking engagements (related to my interest in autism and essentially, my job) but not talk about a very specific song on an album that no one has heard of. Have someone review the list for you before you go out. And if you are ever stuck and don’t know what to say, ask another question. Some examples for possible topics are:

* Movies
* TV Shows
* Music - types and favourite bands and artists
* Ask about their siblings: what are they like and what kinds of things do they do? (school, job, etc)
* Travel, vacations and trips. Where did you go on your last vacation, and how did you like it? What was the best/worst vacation or trip you've ever been on?
* Food: Do you like to cook? What are some of your best and worst restaurant experiences?
* Work: Favourite bosses, favourite jobs. (Even if you aren't working, you can ask about theirs)
* The things you have in common (once you know what these are)

Make sure to practice active listening when bringing up topics and allow the other person a chance to speak and give her opinions on things. Also think about what the other person may be interested in. For example, I like avant-garde art, music, and media, but I know that most people don't...so I avoid talking about this and research/watch/consume a lot of more popular media as well. After you have given your opinion on something, direct the question back to them: i.e. What was YOUR favourite movie this year and why? If the person likes you and the relationship is very well developed, you may have the freedom to talk about some of your obscure interests.

5) Consider what is important to the other person and show interest in it. Watch for non-verbal cues that show a person is passionate about something (e.g. their eyes become wider, they smile a lot while talking about it, and they often mention it a lot) After you meet someone new, jot down a list of things you have learned about them so you can bring them up later in future conversations. For example, your date told you about a particular tv show they liked. This is something to jot down so you can ask them about the latest episode when you see her again.

Make a list of what the person values and what is most important to them and do things to show that you are paying attention to them. This kind of stuff is really romantic. For example: my own boyfriend is really into politics, especially provincial politics as he works for the provincial government. (A province is like a Canadian "state"). So I'll watch the debates, check their twitters for news, and talk about different issues with my boyfriend.

6) Get to know how you process things with your senses. Many people with ASD experience the sensory world different from other NTs: the colours you see may be brighter, sounds may be louder, and you really enjoy certain sensations. Get to know how you react to these things and ways you can make these things less intrusive for you. For example, for some people on the spectrum, loud, crowded bars and clubs can be overwhelming after a while and may make them feel exhausted. For people who have this issue, I would say find someone to date who enjoys quieter, less noisy environments. If things ever feel too overwhelming on adate, feel free to take bathroom breaks to get away from all the stimulation, or simply choose some different places to hang out.

Some people on the spectrum also do something called stimming. Stimming is when a person does a repetitive motion with their hands or body, or fiddle with something they find interesting. It can be tough for someone who stims not to stim as it relaxes the person and keeps them in focus. It is important, though, that stimming remain discreet out at parties, events or dates. It is something people generally find strange and difficult to understand. A solution to this, if you have problems with it, is to bring a koosh ball, or a ball of some material that you like, to fiddle with before and after the date, as well as perhaps under the table at the restaurant (as discreetly as possible).

7) If you decide to disclose ASD to your date, provide a brief explanation of how you ASD affects you rather than just simply stating "I have AS". This does not tell them much. If you inform them this way, they may not know how it affects you and will be unprepared for some of the ways you act. Instead, you should describe specifically about the things you personally struggle with. Some examples:

"I have difficulty with expressing emotions. Sometimes, I may appear bored or uninterested when in reality I am listening and am interested in you. It may be difficult for me to show I am listening on my face, in body language, or in the things I say."

"Sometimes, I may talk too long about things I am interested in. It does not mean I am trying to annoy you, I just have difficulty knowing how much I should talk about these things"

"Sometimes I may stim and play with things. The purpose of this is to relieve anxiety, and because my senses work differently than yours do, I will need to do this to calm down from time to time"

In summary, being a good date doesn't just involve paying for your date. It's about making them feel comfortable around you. It's about making sure their opinions are valued. It's about them feeling like you care about them enough to go on a second date.

Good luck in dating to all of you

Speaking from experience.......All great advice!

This is really great advice that I will pay close attention to. Thank you so much. Great Advice

It's great advice. I do all this, to some extent, but it just *bores* me to tears. If only I could feel connected to someone as a result, but I don't! Ah well. I hope someone else benefits from this great advice.

Thanks guys I am glad you find these useful!

Another tip I should add: Get to know the person as a friends first for a while before you even think about a relationship: I can't stress this enough. I've found that through my experiences, as well as those of people I know and have read about, that diving into a relationship is just going to lead to heartbreak. You have to be patient: when you're attracted to someone, you need to look for signs that the other person is attracted to you too, or else things may turn out awkwardly. Often, attraction and interpersonal chemistry develops over a period of time, and involves spending increasing amounts of time together.

This applies to meeting people for the first time from dating sites: treat them as a friend, rather than as someone you're going to date. You need to get to know the person platonically so that they are comfortable enough around you to consider you as dating material.