Obsessive romantic interest

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Hello,

I never really know if I should ask questions on wrongplanet as I'm not diagnosed and think of myself as having very mild AS traits. I'm not sure I belong here, though I sometimes do relate with what you write/feel. So here goes anyway

I've read that Aspies can have obsessions about people, sometimes in a romantic way. I think I have that problem. My crushes are usually stronger than normal. I want to know everything about them, want to be friends with their friends and I start being interested in what they're interested in. I even picture my future life with them. Needless to say it's not a good mindset to start a relationship.

I've learned from past mistakes and I try to reason myself into being less creepy. But I don't want to totally restrict my strong feelings.

Because crushes have helped and motivated me to change and be "succesfull" in life (study more on my exams to have a good degree and eventually get a good and well payed job). I think it has helped me to fight my possible AS-related problems. I now love social activities and parties whereas I always wanted to be left on my own when I was a child. I'm also less of a picky eater since I dated a girl who had very different food tastes as me.

I've haved a crush on a girl since a few weeks and discovered two weeks ago that she's got a boyfriend. I never really talked to that girl and don't know who she really. Therefore I feel like it hurts me more than it "should". It might be because I have to stop this obsession about her, and I have nothing else to "focus on".

Anyone has shared experiences?

Yes... but it is behind me now.

Yep, happens to me quite a bit. I do have some stalkerish tendancies which I work to control, but they freak me out alot. Being a female attracted female makes it harder, too, because if I get a crush on a friend, they pretty much avoid me because it's "weird." I'm really bad at hiding crushes, too, which sucks.

Limerence

I've had some really gnarly crushes before. I never stalked or anything--but it's just terrible.

I try to deal with it by paying attention to my thoughts.

When I start obsessing about the person like this, "what if I said the wrong thing? They must know I like them? They probably are absolutely not interested and they feel sorry for me. They must think I'm some kind of freak."

I try to stop to tell myself this, "I am only human. I have faults. It's perfectly normal to have feelings for others, and it doesn't make me a bad person. If anyone thought I was a freak for it, then I don't really care because that's a mean way to think and I'm only a human. We're all different and we all have weaknesses."

If I start obsessing like this, "They are so hot. They must be really into psychology. I bet we could have the best conversations. I bet he knows everything about boats....etc."

Then I try to tell myself this, "He's only human. I don't know everything about him. He has faults of his own. He may not be that knowledgeable about psychology. Everyone makes mistakes, including him. Everyone has weaknesses. He's only human."

The key thing is to remind myself that I am only human, and it's OK to have strong feelings or to find myself obsessing--though it doesn't mean I want to keep doing it. And that the crush is only human, and they probably don't really line up to this grand idea of them.

I've had that problem for years, one of the things that has worked for me is trying to convince myself that I don't care that much. Like "what is he interested in" and if I worry and obsess about it I have to tell myself "if he wants to talk to me and if he likes me then he will tell me more about himself" and if the guy shows no interest then I just tell myself "well he's not worth my time" and move on. I think we picture futures with the people we like because we have this vision of who we want our perfect mate to be, and when we see someone that we're attracted to and we like the "idea of" then we try to make that person fit into our visions of whatever our ideal lover would be like. This becomes problematic because we're making assumptions about what that person's like and that's hardly the ever the case.

Because of these "fantasy mates" that we have, when we find someone we want to fit into that we feel more strongly for the objects of our affections. It makes us feel more attached to the individual, and it's a constant struggle to not let our fixations get the best of us. We've created our fantasy mates and when we fixate on a person that we know nothing about, in a way they become our creation so naturally we're going to have strong feelings for our creations.

I tell myself the following things:
"yeah, he might be good-looking and I know I've looked plenty but he could be a jerk"
"if he doesn't like me, fine, I'll find someone who does remember you cannot force someone to love you, that pushes them away."
"there is no such thing as the perfect guy"

Also, I try not to even CONSIDER a man as a potential boyfriend unless he makes the first move, like asks for my number or something, and even then if you're a chick who hangs out with nothing but guys, him wanting your number doesn't always mean "let's go out"

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