want to date a younger man

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Hello all,

I find it very difficult to connect with men my age. I am 26 years old aspergirl but because I look and act younger I mostly click with men who are around 20. This makes it really difficult for me socially and I am not sure if its acceptable or not. But... I can't tell? And why should it matter so much? Don't men do this all the time with younger women? Many of my friends will say things like "what are you doing hitting on that guy or flirting with him? He's young!" Especially because in my community I am successful professionally and have become very good at navigating that aspect of my life, but socially I still feel at a loss most of the time. I have one close confidante friend who is 28 but I still am not comfortable enough discussing this with her as I don't want to creep her out. She is also a musician but like most NT women seems interested in older, more masculine men (the kind that make me super uncomfortable). My other friends are friends from work who are married with children or in relationships. The single "friends" I have my age are wonderful but the non-musicians partake in a strange form of socializing which involves going to bars and dancing with idiots and the like. They like to spend a lot of money going out and having dinner and drinks which is so mind numbing and boring and I try so hard to enjoy it but I just can't. Then when people invite me out in that way I will say no and they will stop asking me to hang out...

Before finally living alone and coming into my own last year as a financially independent and single woman I lived with an ex boyfriend. The relationship was actually a healthy one but I felt suffocated sharing my living space like that. While many people will live with someone and then into their late twenties get married and have a desire to start a family, I just don't understand that. I still think about relationships and romance in the same way I did when I was 19, 20, 21... something that should be about love & adventure and not settling down or co-dependency or making demands of one another morally (you are only mine and I am only yours). Now that in my career and outside of home I seem to be a really put together person because I've worked really hard to get to that point, but emotionally I feel like when it comes to relationships I want to feel safe and loved and I don't want to be with someone who needs or expects things from me all the time like sex or marriage or children because it makes me really anxious and I feel like throwing up before almost all my dates with men my age and older who may be looking for something serious. In general I am always anxious about dating. I truly hate it!

Older men and men my age do pursue dating me but I feel they always want things to move so fast. It also makes me feel a lot safer being with a man who is younger and less experienced because I feel like he can't take advantage of me in the same way that's happened in the past. It makes me really comfortable and not anxious to know I would be in control and more experienced sexually and that I'd be the guiding force in that department. Is this normal?

I really like this guy but he is almost 7 years younger than me and I don't know what to do. I think I have been in love with him for 8 months. At first I was worried he may have turned into one of my obsessions but even when I went without seeing him or speaking to him he was still on my mind in a healthy way so I've ruled that out. We work together. He likes me too. He really understands me and notices my habits and behaviors and understands my moods and thinks nothing of it. He says all the right things at the right times and makes me happy and laugh often. When I am anxious or stressed and feel pre-breakdown he calms me down with just a few words. He told me when I said I had aspergers and was trying to explain what I think are my faults, he told me that he thinks I'm great just the way I am. It was really sweet. He is a musician and a music educator also and even though he is still in college and barely 20 I don't feel an age gap between us at all when we sit and just talk or have a heart to heart. What should I do? Is this common in women with aspergers syndrome? Is it inappropriate for me to pursue a relationship with him and should I just remain a friend so as not to lose someone so important to me? I'm worried that if I tell him how I feel, it will make him run.

I can tell you the norm for NT women is that yes they prefer older men (i say 2-5 year differences) and the men would be more experienced... but for him, i would wait until he graduates from the college so he doesn't freak out immediately

Thank you! I think that's probably best. I should mention that I live in occupied Palestine and so younger men here have been through a lot of hardship and are more mature than your typical 20 year old male. In the same way as a Palestinian woman whose grandmother married a man 7 years her junior, it might be in my blood! (My grandma was 7 years older than my grandpa. She spotted him while he was riding by on horseback and she was getting water from the well..true story).

Anyway I should also mention I work with this guy I'm so into, so... that makes it a little bit more difficult. He teaches classes to my younger students and will get handed over my weakest piano students to work with them more in depth. When I first knew him I figured he had already graduated college and I think we both thought we were around the same age. I remember the moment I asked him "wait, a minute, how old are you?" and then we he responded I was shocked and he asked "why? how old are you?" When I told him all he said was "you're really not that much older than me." He followed that by saying he things girls his age aren't as interesting or smart. I don't think he's NT. So... we'll see I guess.

All my other co-workers have noticed the tension between us and constantly tease us. We keep having missed moments... one time we held hands and the other week we were preparing chicken together for a party and we came so close to kissing but then got interrupted by his percussionist roommate who banged on the door. So, you see... things almost happen. And then we start at square one. All over again! Anyway... it's very frustrating. Perhaps one of those moments will come again soon and I can just go for it.

So who are you interested in more? The college kid or the coworker?

they are the same person.

Younger men have better erection, good choice.

do you know if he's a virgin?

yes he's definitely a virgin.

nothing wrong with dating someone younger. its your life and your choice.

There's nothing wrong with dating younger guys, but dating a coworker could get messy if it doesn't work out ... That's my only concern for you.

I still think like this and the last time I had a semi-proper relationship was when I was 16...but even then it wasn't something that lasted long.

Yes, the co-worker thing would be my only concern too. That said, it does seem that you are well matched.

I used to be friendly with a couple who lived in the same street as me, and the woman was older than the man. They started their relationship when he was 20, and she was 30 years old.

I don't think the issue is that you are attracted to men that are younger than you. Rather, I think you probably have a young mentality. A lot of people with Asperger's characteristics, such as myself, keep a lifelong young perspective and attitude. What does that mean? Well, to me that means the mental energy, openness to trying and learning new things, and fascination with the world that is generally associated with an individual who is new to life. I don't see that as a problem, since the world is a big place with lots of cool things. However, neural typical people seem to reach a point where they "mature" into a sort of psychological complacency that typically differentiates them from younger people. I am 57 years old. Most of my peers look and live like old people. And, they look at me like somebody who is never grown up. I've enjoyed a great career, have a Bachelor's Degree and a Master's Degree in Computer Science, my life continues to progress and I personally advance. Most of my peers threw out the anchors on their lives many years ago. If you find yourself, at your age, most compatible with young adults who are optimistic, energetic, and willing to try new things, then my guess is that you will never become mentally geriatric. There are a lot of women who try to live in a fantasy that they are perpetually a 16-year-old junior in high school. I doubt that's you. Your challenge will likely be to find a partner who also maintains your youthful attitude and capability in a relationship with you. My observation is that people with Asperger's characteristics grow up, but don't grow mentally old. Neuro-typicals can become mentally aged very early in life.

The coworker thing is another issue. If the two of you are flipping burgers at McDonald's, it's not really a big deal and that sort of thing is fairly common in the service industry. However, if you are in a professional position, that is very different. I consider workplace romances too risky and so I don't get involved in them.

Good luck!

This sounds like a non-issue for me and I don't think most people would find it creepy. Then again I'm basing this on western standards.

If you are really worried about it, the general rule I've heard for age difference creepiness is half your age plus 7. Go below that and you start getting into the creep zone, supposedly.

You're 26......13+7=20

Sounds like you're golden.

I was gonna raise my hand but realized your slightly youngdr than me and not older although you would fit my age range criteria your looking for someone younger than you!

You're both adults, so numbers are a really stupid reason to be unhappy.