Clarity

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Hi, I'm new to the site. My husband and I have a pretty good idea that I may have aspergers, I haven't been diganosed yet. We tend to hit a wall when it comes to communicating. I try to express emotions but end up explaining actions. This tends to lead to arguments because he often feels that I don't care about him. I my mind I am caring for him by not bothering him and coming to conclusions on my own. Often when he feels like I've done this to him, I agree and understand that I might have hurt his feelings but cannot express to him how I have understood and our arguments decline because I literally answer his questions which he then feels I'm being sarcastic and rude when I with every amount of me am not trying to do this at all, which then sends me into a meltdown, which then he feels like I am trying to use the meltdown because I feel bad about myself and I'm trying to get out of the situation. I stumble over myself and get defensive. We've gone through this over and over but I still can't seem to understand how we end up where we do. I get confused about our sexual signals as well which leads to arguing and misunderstood feelings. I'm trying really hard to come up with some type of technique to reconize when I may start these actions. I know I can't change who I am, I want to find a way that I can better the situation for everyone and not use apsergers as an excuse to make him feel unwelcomed in my life. Has anyone had any luck communicating in this sort of way? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have actually been getting better at communicating with other friends and co-workers at work recently after reading a book called "The Power of Now." It's kind of a spiritual enlightenment book. Try that out. Hopefully it helps you with understanding feelings better.

What your husband might be frustrated with is that by explaining actions, you seem to be analyzing things instead of understanding your own feelings and this might even be ovewhelming for you. Typically your emotions overwhelming you or taking too much in at any time typically causes a meltdown. This has been a problem for me in many friendships. I understand the point he is making, and I of course understand where you come from as I have been in many situations where things have gotten like that. Another thing to consider in trying to manage or avoid a meltdown... don't take everything in when he argues with you and don't overthink things either.

I am developing a plan not to be reactive or overreactive and defensive when someone gets argumentative with me. I want to see if this can change how I communicate and feel around others. If it works, maybe I will share this with people here as well.

That sounds like a tough situation for both of you. If you made more of a point of including your husband in your decision process, maybe that would help? That way he might feel more included and that you value his input. With nonverbal or sexual signals, can he break down for you what he' s looking for instead of expecting you to just intuitively know? I would show him this post as an opening for a hopefully calmer dialog about these things, with an understanding that Aspergers is not an excuse, but a communication deficit that can be bridged with a little patience.

Thanks for the advice guys!