"Please help me with my AS boyfriend!" posts

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We seem to get a lot of these here and I was curious to hear your thoughts.

I think it's great when someone wants to learn more about Asperger's or wants insight from people with AS on a particular situation, but there are also a lot of posts that seem to be just a laundry list of complaints about an AS partner. Maybe it's just me, but it seems incredibly insensitive to post threads with titles like "Inconsiderate a-hole or Asperger's?" on a support forum for individuals with Asperger's.

I wonder if it might be constructive or helpful to compile a list of resources for NT partners, both educational resources and online support forums that could be made available to people who come here and need that type of information. Certainly everyone needs a safe place to vent, but some places might be more appropriate than others, depending upon the situation.

NTs are usually referred to as being pricks for the most part on other Wrong Planet boards, but in L&D they seem to magically become great people all of a sudden(especially NT women).

I'm glad people are coming here wanting advice on their Aspie. Better understanding helps the two in their relationship. I do however notice that some of those poseters are in relationships with bad people & they are coming here because they ware wanting an excuse to stay or a reason to leave & some of them have negative & wrong assumptions about Aspergers. I think it would help if we had a discussion here about Aspergers vs jerks/a-holes//bad people & then after discussing it a mod can compile a sticky list

The problem these women face isn't necessarily a matter of their men having Asperger's (if they even actually have that). It's a matter of trying to force compatibility where there is none. If the woman is an extrovert (or at least likes to go out and socialize often), she is less likely to get along romantically with an Aspie who happens to be an introvert or needs some alone time every now and then.

Most women who come here to complain about their Aspie boyfriends/husbands seem to be of the type who need continual emotional support and a lot of time with their partners. And when their partners fail to do that, they make a big deal out of it and come posting here.

Then there are a few who just happen to get the diagnosis wrong and are really interacting with a narcissist who lacks emotional empathy for his supposed loved one.

I did some searching and found these two places:
The Other Half of Asperger's Syndrome
I My Spouse Or Partner Has Asperger's Syndrome

And I've been told this is a good book to check out:
22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome

You could add those two to the list of resources or refer people there.

*EDIT: Someone from the Asperger's Society of Ontario (another group to check out if you are in Ontario) recommended this book to me as well:
Aspergers in Love

Last edited by Monkeycart on 19 Jul 2013, 4:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think compiling a sticky from refined user comments would be a good idea.
I have to agree may come here wanting to learn about Aspergers and tend to take away knowledge about what it is and its symptoms but not taking in advice with how to understand and respect those parts of the person.

Probably not - at least not for most of them. Yes, they can read books about this, but typically people posting on a forum want advice on their specific situation, not general information. As for "online support forums" - that's exactly where they're posting when they post on WP! OK, it's not specifically targeted to partners of aspies, but if I wanted advice about aspies I certainly couldn't think of a better place to ask than the biggest aspie forum in existence.

By the way, there seems to be a marked shortage of "please help me with my AS girlfriend" posts.

Could be that NT men are less likely to complain about their partners not giving them emotional support and/or not working to help support them both financially.

Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with WP.

I was talking about forums targeted to NT partners where they could receive advice from people in a situation similar to their own and vent in a forum designed for that. Sometimes people want to learn or get insight, but sometimes people just want to unload. And, WP isn't really the best place to go to complain about people with Asperger's.



I agree.

NTs aren't that bad. I really hate the us vs. them attitude, it is just as bad as these posts you talk about. In fact there really is no such thing as 'NT' really.

Naturally people are going to seek relationship advice when they are having trouble. Some of the assumptions are wrong but not always, not all for them are negative either.

The are also plenty of resentful post from people on the spectrum here, because they can't get their way. General misogynistic and misandrist stuff.

I thought I'd put it into perspective a bit. Although agree some of these post are a bit ridiculous, and it can be bit draining. However I suggest being a bit thicker skinned. It will put you in good stead.

albedo, I'm not sure if I'm the "you" that you're referring to above, but, if I am, I didn't say NT's were bad or make any of the sweeping generalizations you brought up in your post.

The thing is, Asperger's can cause some issues in relationships with NT's. Of course, everything cannot be blamed on Asperger's but when it is, it's usually down to communication issues in the relationship. In that case, I'd much rather that such people seeking information would get it from here than from some other forums like ASPartners, which are basically just rant forums and do nothing but spread prejudice against ASD people in the dating realm.

On the other hand, there are also the ones who are not looking for information but really just want to rant. Those people don't usually stay here long and the kind of forum that are looking for is really the kind like ASPartners, unfortunately.

Last edited by Jono on 18 Jul 2013, 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I didn't mean 'you' personally. I'm just pointing out his problem isn't all that bad, and there are a fair few hypocrites, especially in this L&D section.

Some people do take such post too personally.

I commend you for trying to be constructive.

Ok, gotcha. Thanks for clarifying.

Funny that most of the time we hear the complaining, regardless of the legitimacy of such complaints, it seems the person wants to hear the words "leave him." So we give them that response.

I think even if you post a list of resources (which would be helpful), it's never going to actually solve the problem.

The problem is that these people come here and simply do not have the natural amount of empathy and compassion and thoughtfulness/consideration necessary to make a romantic relationship work in the first place with that said person. Rather than facing that truth, they go around either trying to change their partner or themselves.