Marriage problems

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Hello,

I'm not necessarily looking for concrete answers here, I was just thinking that writing things down here might help me think things through and maybe people could make suggestions or comments to help me in that process.

I've been quite unhappy in general for at least the last three years. For parts I've been depressed, but for the majority of the time I've just engrossed myself in my interests during my spare time, and avoided thinking about the general unhappiness.

I've been married for over eleven years. The last two years of the marriage have been especially difficult.

My wife is neurotypical, and has been suffering from depression for about the last six years. She doesn't work and spends the majority of time sat on the sofa in the same clothes with her laptop. When she's in a bad mood, she's very difficult to be around.

About four years ago we saw a marriage counsellor, the counsellor had experience with people on the autistic spectrum, and within a few minutes of speaking to me suggested I was on the spectrum. It was the first time I'd seriously thought about it and it helped answer a lot of questions I'd had about myself. The counselling helped a bit, but didn't resolve things.

About two years ago, my wife said she didn't love me any more, and I left to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks. We talked things through and decided to try again and I moved back in. But the experience really hurt me.

I feel like I've just been drifting along the last couple of years.

The last few months the unhappiness has increased, and I've felt depressed for periods of time.

Initially I thought it was because I had very few friends, and so tried to do something to improve that. I met someone online who I felt a connection with, it developed into something more than platonic, we met up for a few hours in person, and I felt a connection and happiness with her that I haven't felt for a long time. I stupidly fell in love with her even though I hardly know her.

We're still 'friends' but she doesn't feel the same way I do. In 'another world', where I wasn't already married I think we might have had a chance.

So although I think this chance of happiness has gone, it does make me think that I could potentially find happiness in the future with someone else.

So sometimes I'm thinking I should leave my wife, give up on the marriage, and try to start my life afresh.

Other times I'm thinking I should just be happy with what I already have. I have a home, pets and lifestyle that I worked hard for and don't really want to give up. I still have a bond with my wife, who has made me a better person, and on the good days is good to be around. But I don't know if I still feel any love for her.

I've started seeing a counsellor who has experience with people on the autistic spectrum, and am hoping talking things through with her will help me decide to what to do with my future.

Whatever happens, I'm not going to make a rash decision immediately.

Thanks for reading.

I feel your pain. If we didn't have a child, I'd probably leave my husband. Does your wife take medication or have any treatment for her depression? Mine doesn't think there's anything wrong with him--it's all other peoples' fault. I have spent many years thinking it was my fault and if I just was a better wife, he'd be able to sort himself out. Nope.

If you have children, I'd advise against leaving if there isn't a lot of turmoil in your home. If you don't have children and can come to some sort of agreement that isn't going to wipe you out financially, maybe you should go.

Thanks for the reply. No we don't have children thankfully and I agree it would be very different in that case.

My wife has been on anti-depressants on and off for a few years, at the moment she isn't taking any. She's also seen a few different counsellors for a long time.

For a long time I was in constant fear that she'd kill herself, which has been threatened lots of times, and she had a history of failed attempts before she met me. But after so many years it tends to lose its impact. But that would be a real fear of mine if I did tell her I want to split up.

I would have said roughly the same as "Mindsigh." It's not easy. But keep talking. Like a jigsaw puzzle, it's easier if you spread everything out on the table and see what you've got. (I like to start with the edge pieces and work my way in, but you could start with the big collor blotches...)

I'm in the same boat my friend...it's tough, I agree. After 13 years, wife and I finally agreed to separate. We connected at an early age, and it turns out we're different people with different interests. If it weren't for the kids, we both know our relationship wouldn't have lasted very long.

I know that doesn't lend many answers...but, I've come to the conclusion that it's far better to seek out happiness than to drudge along with someone who makes you miserable. She too has battled depression, and rage. It's tough, because I love my wife dearly, and I can't imagine life without her. In fact, I don't think I'll ever stop loving her.

Even with that though...I know she'll be happier w/a different kind of guy; like I know I'll be happier with a different kind of gal. If any of the above makes sense, I'd suggest talking to her about it openly and calmly. Maybe just agree to take a year off and work on yourselves, and then reevaluate. That's what the wife and I are doing.

Thanks Tahitiii, yes it does feel like a jigsaw puzzle. I immediately felt better after writing the first post, and getting things off my chest.

Hi PHRoGGiE, yes I feel the same way in that my wife and I are very different people. Initially, I think it was good for both of us, in that we learnt from and supported each other. But as time goes on, I feel less inclined to try and change who I am, and think I want to be with someone with a similar mindset who I can be myself with.

I'm dreading the thought of having this conversation though. It'll probably trigger an immediate 'episode', with the rage you mention too. I'll be interested to know how it works out after your years break.