feeling lonely need advice.

Post Reply New Topic

Ok so firstly hi this is my first post on here i have been diagnosed with asperger's since the age of 8-9 (i am currently 22) i have a good group of friends not many but they are good and they all know about it. But for a while know i have been feeling very lonely i am the only single one in my group of friends and its gotten to the point where i spend time with them and i feel horrible and need to walk away. I have been wanting to date for around two to 3 years now but just haven't had any luck with meeting people. They have spoken to me about it but we are a very closed group and don't really get many new people often.

Is it normal to feel like this for people with asperger's i read that a lot of us don't want to get married or have family's Is this true. i have tried dating sites a lot to find someone but just cant seam to get someone interested and its getting me down a lot. i recently made friends with a women online who might of been interested but we have just become friends which has happened which all of my interests the last 3 years and after this i feel so much worse then before as it was a chance of a lifetime and we clicked so well which has never happened before.

I dont know what to do my friends have said that u don't need someone else to be happy but i just keep feeling down and after this last time i feel horrible and just cant work out what to do. can any aspies lend a hand with this as i want a opinion from people who share the condition.


p.s sorry about the spelling and grimmer i suck at these posts.

You just have to be patient. You're very young and it's only a matter of time. Maybe you should socialise outside your closed group from time to time, it sounds like you're cocooned a bit. Having a solid friendbase is certainly a good start, believe me. It looks like you're being protected too much

welcome

I think you need to get out more.

and you did WELL with that girl to make the connection. dont overlook you did a lot right to do that. but do learn from it and apply that next time.

I think, and this is a guess, you probably hesitated when you should have escalated - happened to me 10,000* times man. lol

Try to meet a few new people outside your group, in person,perhaps through activities you are interested in. Already having a common interest can help break the ice a little. I'm not saying you have to have a huge circle of friends, but meeting new people leads to new experiences, all of which you can learn from socially and emotionally. A romantic attachment can pop up in the most surprising of places.

Also, hang in there. Getting into, and maintaining, a lasting relationship is hard for NTs too. If you haven't found the right girl yet, it doesn't necessarily mean you are sorely lacking in anything. It just may mean that you haven't yet found someone that will value you for who you are.

I'm an Aspie female who didn't have her first boyfriend until she was 23. I'm 28 now and my current boyfriend is only the 2nd boyfriend I've ever had (though we plan to make him the last - we're as good as engaged, although it's not official just yet, but we've been talking about marriage and kids quite a bit; it's very much a case of when rather than if).

My advice to you is to not let it get you down. Do you like yourself? Are you happy with who you are? It's really important to be able to honestly answer those questions with a "Yes" because if the answer's no, other people (especially NTs) will pick up on that and it will send out signals to them that you're not worth the effort - I'm not saying you're not worth the effort because I'm sure you are, but other people do pick up on negative vibes and first impressions can be hard to shift. Trying too hard can be offputting to people - it can make you come across as desperate, and people tend to be wary of those who come across as desperate. I know it's cliched but things do come along when you're not looking for them or expecting them - I wasn't interested in finding a boyfriend when I met my fellow, I certainly wasn't looking for one; the cliche is true!

I agree with what some of the other posters have said about extending your social circle. What are your interests? Is there something new that you could try?

I'm with CDSherwood's second paragraph. There are around 7 billion people on this planet, after all! You're still really young, there's plenty of time yet! Think carefully about what sort of person you might be interested in, although don't have a checklist and automatically reject someone just because they don't tick every single box - there is such a thing as setting standards too high.

There are some Aspies out there who don't want to get married/have kids and/or who are asexual, but there are NTs out there in the same boat. I strongly disagree with those who make blanket statements that all Aspies are asexual and don't want relationships/marriage/kids because I certainly want marriage and kids!

If you want any relationship tips Aspie-style (and from a female!) feel free to drop me a PM.

I have been in your situation and I know how lonely and depressed you can feel.
I had my first date when I was 27. What helped me was advice from and conversations with women. I see that you already had some contact.
At one point I just asked a woman: could you give me some pointers on what to do/say and what not to do/say when trying to get a date. That helped me.
(for example, don't talk too much about yourself, but ask questions and listen, really listen)

It's maybe not much of a consolation, but you're not the only one in this situation. Keep trying to meet women, talk to them, not so much as to get a date, but to get to know them, be more comfortable around them.

Good luck!

that's pure gold, right there. it doesn't mean that you shouldn't say anything at all about yourself, but you should learn to get the other person talking, and pay close attention to important details. it's a valuable interpersonal skill.

You are like me, except that I am a girl. I recognize EVERYTHING you say.

I feel like this every day!

Stop hitting your head then.

Your group of friends are the best thing you can have to find your first girlfriend.
You can have a lot of fun with this.
Ask your friends if they will play along with this just once for the laugh
This is all just an act for the night - for the joke of it.
Before you do this, ask the girls in your group to show you how a real gentleman stud would conduct himself in a club.
Most clubs are very safe with cameras and hired security:

All of you go out to a night spot here you do not usually go, one with plenty of unattached women around.
You walk into the place with two of your friends' girlfriends on either arm.
Arrange for the girls from your friends to buy you drinks and hang around you and pretend that they are both with you. ( You can give your friends' girlfriends the money for the drinks and whatever beforehand. )
Before long you will have every vaguely interested girl hanging around you and your friends in groups.
In a big city club people will be coming up to you and starting conversations, and everybody there in the club will be respecting you!
Depending on how confidently you conduct yourself, you should get kisses, dances and phone numbers if you ask, and don't be afraid to ask someone you like to join you and your group back to your place.
But it has got to be for the fun of it, like nothing is very serious and you do this all the time. That is the act.


This is a big subject.
For shy and not very confident males, girls don't usually approach, so you may as well learn how to approach them.
Once again, your friends are the best thing going for you here, because it proves to everyone around that you are trustworthy.

Most people seem to meet relationship prospects in 2 places. Through friends or online. So having a great group of friends is a good place to start. Although I never had such luck, 2 of my gfs met their longterm live-in bfs online.

The problem is that a lot of aspies don't have many friends. So that limits the dating pool.
The idea is that friends can invite friends. But if you don't have many of those, or your friends don't have many friends, or your friends don't invite you to many other collective activities...
you have a problem.

yes. obviously. i was just pointing that having a great group of friends is a good thing. and there are of course differences of opinion on this. it seems we always want a "referral" on dating prospects (us girls in NY anyways), but they can't be too close to our relative/friend clan. because if it doesn't work out then things can be weird if you know too many people in common.

for myself, i have few friends and few hopes of meeting someone that way. either a relative tries to set me up and it's just a no-go. or i decide to date someone connected to my limited pool of friends, and i end up violating some unwritten social dating law for some and others are supportive. so idk.

firstly want to thank everyone for their support and advice it has meant a lot to me. How i am at the moment its hard to meet new people my group of friends is fairly small and they dont have any single friends as i have already spoken to them about it. As for going out i am a fairly shy person i have never been popular and while i may be confident around my friends out in the town i am quiet shy and cant dance. I am a gamer so i dont meet people face to face often and its hard for me to find similarities in Others. I have tried online dateing alot and have paid hundreds on site memberships but have had probly 2 replies over 5-6 months and both ended up nowhere. Its really hard at the moment cause this last faild attempt has left me so tired and down i cant find interst in anything u used to and i find myself constantly thinking of her and then i feel worse. Just dont know what to do at the moment.