abusive, or "normal"??? Should I just suck it up?

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We have a wood stove at my house, and I brought a chopping block in the house so that people wouldn't chop kindling on the carpet.

Well, today this person was chopping on the carpet again, so I said, admittedly probably not in the nicest tone of voice "really, the carpet?"

This person, then started screaming every profanity under the sun, SCREAMING their head off violently, so I just walked out of the house.

To me, this behavior is traumatizing, it seriously scares me to death to watch a grown adult loose control to that degree over something that could have been solved by a simple, "I know I am sorry, don't worry I will clean it up".... then I would have said, "ok, sorry, I just get splinters in my feet when you chop wood on my carpet," and that would have been the end of it....

After crying for a bit and calming down so I was at least not as terrified, we talked about it, and I said that screaming and swearing like that is traumatizing, and not something most people deal with very often in life, and so it is hard to handle that kind of violent behavior.

The person told me that anyone who isn't use to that is just a stupid pansy and needs to toughen up....

So is he right??? am I some kind of pansy who grew up too sheltered or something???

I only ever faced that kind of screaming and yelling a few times growing up, and those few times still haunt me to this day and are the types of things people go to years of therapy trying to get over I thought...

To him, he says it is normal....

I just don't know anyone where I live who does this unless it is a life or death situatio or something, and well, I really feel terrified and traumatized now.

No one deserves to be yelled at for any reason. Obviously what you said was taken wrong and an explosion of anger was the result.

People do lose their cool, however. We are all emotional creatures and they get the better of us sometimes. Be gracious and acknowledge their feelings, I'm sorry to have upset you, I would just like it if you would please chop the wood on the block I brought inside, so that I don't get splinters in my feet'. Something like that would help.

It's not abusive to be yelled at out of anger, it's just an emotional reaction. If this person is chronically mean to you and yells at you a lot, then it becomes abuse.

People in general have a hard time understanding that when one has autism, which I'm assuming you do, the world is very intense, and what may be a small thing to them is a huge deal to you and as you said, yelling is traumatizing where "normal" people would view it as commonplace and something to just deal with (toughen up, etc.)

We cannot just "toughen up" ; the circuitry in our brains won't allow it. So we wear ourselves out trying to get people to accommodate what they take for granted.

Someone has issues that need to be dealt with.

You thought correctly.

"Suck it up"? "Normal"? NO on both counts!! !

This person has some serious, SERIOUS problems, to put it mildly. If he grew up in that kind of environment, the abuse has been passed down from his parents, so of course HE sees it as "normal." It is not, nor is it "okay." Reacting the way you did does not make you a "pansy." Not liking violence does not make you "too sheltered."

Tell him to get help or get out. You don't need that.

Take a look at this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline ... y_disorder (and that's only a guess--there may be a lot more going on here).

If it happens a lot, it's a problem. It's not normal to explode with rage. Unfortunately, my husband has a problem like this, but he justifies all the holes in the wall bu talking about his crappy life.

It's abusive.

They want you to toughen up, how about showing them some tough love then. Yell back, sell their stuff to pay for the therapy. I doubt this behavior ends with kindling. How long have you been together?

not normal and I wouldnt call it abusive unless this behavior was constant.

The guy may have just been in a very bad mood to begin with and snapped.... or he may have actual anger management issues. Bipolar maybe.

What makes it abusive to me is not only the lack of remorse and regret afterwards, but the attitude that it is normal and it is the OP who has the problem.

As described in the latter part of the original post.

"After crying for a bit and calming down so I was at least not as terrified, we talked about it, and I said that screaming and swearing like that is traumatizing, and not something most people deal with very often in life, and so it is hard to handle that kind of violent behavior.

The person told me that anyone who isn't use to that is just a stupid pansy and needs to toughen up.... "

This suggests to me that even if this behaviour isn't constant or repeating yet, it will be.

To the OP - I think you need to give serious consideration to extricating yourself from this relationship and shared living arrangement.

This.

The person should had apologized for his behaviour as you had apologized for upsetting him, and you were also the one in the right as he was not supposed to be chopping kindling on your floor (especially if he was aware there was a special chopping block for it).

This.

Firstly, who the hell chops wood on the carpet?
They would be damaging the carpet with the wood and whatever implement they are using, not to mention splinters.. You saw a problem, you attempted to fix it by obtaining a chopping block, which they ignored. When you pointed this out they went ballistic and instead of apologising and showing remorse , blamed you for being justifiably upset.

This is not normal behaviour. I suggest someone needs to find alternative acommodation

Last edited by opal on 18 Jan 2013, 3:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ultimately, only you can decide how much you are willing to put up with from this person. So I'm not even going to try to suggest what you "should" do there.

But I would like to offer my own perspective. I grew up in a house where screaming and swearing was normal. Any time either of my parents was upset, a huge yelling match would follow. So much so, that when I first realised I was on the spectrum (at the age of 51) I remember noting how many of us found yelling stressful, and thinking that was one trait I didn't share. My new understanding got me thinking about my childhood - and it was only months later that I finally figured out it did stress me out, even though I can outshout just about anyone on the planet. To survive, I had to learn to give as good as I got, and to even bury the stress so deep it took me a long time even after I was thinking about it to even notice I was burying it.

Now, this does not mean yelling and swearing is a good thing. It doesn't mean it is normal in a broader sense. It doesn't even mean you should put up with this if you don't want to.

On the other hand, I would have given you the same answer a few years ago, and honestly believed it. I have my flaws, but I like to think I'm not a total jerk. I just, honestly, was put into a position where I had no other choice than to believe as I did, or I would have lost my mind. It took me years to figure out I was wrong.

Assuming something like this is the case with the person you're living with, you may not want to endure this for years. And if you don't, you shouldn't. I'm more in a middle ground here, though. Of course, I don't know that this person is in the same place I was. (For example, when I really lost my head, I turned on myself rather than hurt anyone else. I hit myself, or ruined things that mattered to me. Believe me, I did not want to be there. Just discussing it now hurts. But it was better than the alternative.) If you have even the slightest reason to think this person might harm you in any way, then you most definitely should get out, as fast as you can. If not, then you can think about how much this relationship matters to you, and what you're willing to endure to hang onto it.

(For those who would argue with this - every partner has some problems or flaws or issues. What one person is willing to put up with, another can't endure. So only the person making that choice can really make that particular call...)

Yes I agree we all have our flaws, but when I think of it, I have NEVER destroyed anything that belongs to him, I never throw things, I don't scream out of the blue, and it can take days or even weeks of me being screamed at unfairly for me to finally yell back.

They keep trying to convince me that I grew up in some fantasy land and was too sheltered and need to toughen up...

But for me I think why???

I was so happy before, forgiving others and being forgiven, and putting anger away instead of lashing out etc...

I want to go back to my pg rated fantasy land, it was functional, and life was always happy no matter what the outside circumstances.

With someone always yelling and putting me down, I feel like I could win the lottery and be a millionaire and it would still be the worst life possible with someone who thinks like this.

They are going to get therapy, and I will see if it helps, but I really can't take it much longer, any break, no matter how short, is so much better than being afraid of someone in my own house.

I hate this trap.


Thanks everyone for letting me vent yet again.... hopefully someday soon I can be the one offering help like the rest of you again, instead of always needing it lately... xo

From reading what you've said here, I think you've answered your own question. This situation is no good for you. And that's what it comes down to.

What they're saying to you is partly true, and partly false. You were sheltered from things some of us weren't able to avoid. That part is true. But that is not the same thing as a "fantasy land" - every one of us grows up with different realities than some others. Heck, I was sheltered compared to kids growing up now in Syria or Haiti or a lot of other places. That doesn't make my life a fantasy land by any means, it just means I was luckier than those poor kids. And saying you "need" to toughen up is taking it way too far. If you wanted to learn to cope with certain situations, then you would need to toughen up. Since you find it so hard to do, I don't see why there's any reason you "need" to. They want you to, because that's easier - for them - than changing themselves.

Now, as I said, I had to learn to endure the unendurable, and I still have a lot of scars from that. I'm not totally unsympathetic to them - but I still think they're taking it too far. If you've expressed your feelings accurately in the post I've quoted - and you seem to have done so - and if I'm reading it correctly, then if this is going to work out, they need to learn to change and learn to deal with the things they weren't sheltered from, in such a way they don't make your life as unpleasant as it is now. Yes, that will be tough on them. But "your life didn't suck nearly as much as mine did" is not an excuse for making anyone as miserable as you seem to be. On the other hand, it is hard for anyone to see past the reality they know. If you want to try to make this work, you can't expect that change will be quick or easy. (In its own way, it will be as hard for them as it would be for you to learn to let that kind of screaming roll off your back. Because in both cases, it involves adjusting everything you "know" and take for granted.)

Now, you're miserable. I'm not saying you should go on that way. I'm simply saying you do need to understand that any change is not going to be quick or easy. If that's too hard for you to swallow, then it's better to end things quickly, now. (Because it is unfair to ask someone else to change, then boot them out because they can't do the impossible and make that change quickly or easily. No one can do that. Being unwilling to go through that tough a process is a reasonable choice for you to make - it's just one you should make now, if that's how you feel.)

If we all “toughen up” as “they” say, there would be no gentle people left in the world. That would be a shame.