What do I do after I had sex with my friend?

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I debated whether to put this in the "love and dating" or the "social skills and making friends" forums, since this is about a friend and not about dating, but I decided on this one because this is one of my friends who I have love for and since sex is usually talked about in this forum.


Here's the situation: I've been friends with this guy for over four years, and I trust him, but for about two of those years we weren't in contact because of an unavoidable situation on my part (I wasn't able to see a lot of my friends during that time). We finally got back in contact a few moths ago and recently we were able to actually see each other. The first time was with other friends, but the second time was just us two. I wanted to get to see him again before he had to leave town, and that was good, but I had one of my random spells of extreme horniness while he was there. I don't like using other people to satisfy my sexual urges--that's one of the reasons I don't watch porn or masturbate about actual people--so I told him I was horny and moved away. He was really nice about it and said it was fine, and eventually we had sex (friends sex, not dating sex).

I was kind of bad at it and I felt guilty for some of the time because I was worried that I was using him or molesting him, but it was really fun. I think he might have thought he was bad at it too because at the end he said something like "Sorry you didn't get to enjoy that as much as I did" but he was actually really good and I told him so. It was also kind of a relief for me since it was the first time I'd had sex since a certain traumatic event had happened, and I was worried that I'd freak out the next time I did it, but for the most part I was fine. After a while I went home.


My question is this: What do I do now? I mean, in terms of social skills? I texted him once saying I had fun and I was sorry for the horniness and he sent back saying it was fine (and "lol"). (He usually sends short messages because he is bad at texting--I am too, so I understand; I JUST learned how to make punctuation on my phone!) I don't think he lied to me because of what he said about enjoying it, and another thing he said about having had dreams about it in high school (when we met), and because he knows about my Autism and how badly lying to me can backfire. But now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to freak him out or anything, and I sense that this requires a bit more finesse than my ordinary "say whatever I'm thinking whenever I feel like it" technique.

I realize that some people stop being friends after they have sex, and I don't want to do that because I like him as a friend, not just as a person to have sex with. I think he still wants to be my friend too, since he said I shouldn't tell my parents what we did when I got home because they "might not let us hang out anymore" (I'm eighteen, and he's older, so it's legal) Should I send a message? Should I try to see him again before he leaves in a week, or would that be too inconvenient? If I do send something, should it be an attempt at humor, or should it be what I'm thinking (like usual), and should it be short or long, etc.? I have never been in this situation before. I also don't know what he wants me to do--note that he is Neurotypical, not Autistic.

So...yeah...what do I Do?

What sort of text would you usually send him?

Not saying pretend like it never happened, but accept that two friends had a beautiful night together and move on.

Well, we usually either talk about practical things or I make bad jokes (usually about sex, since I'm immature and I like jokes like that). I don't talk about my feelings as much with him for some reason. I was not sure about sending a sex joke since we just had sex the other day and it might be taken "the wrong way" (whatever that means) but it is normal for me--I send stuff like that to most of my friends.

I don't think things will be awkward if you send your usual type of joke. Be aware too that inaction on your part could be seen by him to be you regretting it or being hurt by it. Meanwhile if you act normal, he knows he hasn't hurt you.

Clean the semen mess, throw condomes in the garbage bin...

He might think I was hurt by it? *represses urge to make vulgar joke on public forums* I was helped by it because I got to have sex for the first time in forever. People seem to get hurt by strange things.

We don't actually text as often as I text some of my other friends (well, TWO to be exact...) so timing is an issue for me, but I guess he wouldn't expect it to be perfect, considering that I'm me!

--Boo, I almost forgot to throw the condom away because they are so fun to play with! I was going to walk into my house holding the used condom if I hadn't realized I was holding it and given it to him! I didn't get to blow it up like a balloon though...

Pretend it never happened. It only affects the friendship and makes it awkward if you let it. Just as long as BOTH of you know it was meaningless fun.

It was probably better to do it with a trusted friend than a random stranger anyway.

Continue to do it [if you both like it]?

Emotions creeping in would probably be something to watch out for though (that's emotions that partners would experience).

I hate to be a wet towel, but make sure that you are completely recovered from that event for your own sake. Some people become hyposexual, hypersexual or both after rape if they are not completely over it. They may also apparently unconsciously seek out situations where they would get re-traumatized, hence why some work in stripping or porn.

It's great that you were able to enjoy it once again. I'm just worried about you distancing yourself too much from the emotional part of it after a traumatic event. I assume that you eventually want to have a healthy sex life with someone who you share a close emotional bond.

As for what to do... Take care of yourself first. Take it slow and talk to him in whatever way feels natural for you. I'm sure that he was just happy to have sex with you and probably isn't expecting much in terms of social norms after. It's probably new and slightly uncomfortable for him too.

i think u should ask him if he wants a real relationship or if he likes u and u lik him. that way its not awkward when u see him again. if yall decide not to hav a relationship and just wanna be f**k buddies then go for it. but i dont think yall will ever find the one meant for u if yall r still doing it.

It isn't that either stripping or porn are necessarily re-traumatising experiences, but I think it must be that mindset that leads them into self-destructive behaviour.

I suspect that more than a few women do try to seek situations where they can be 'raped' and brutalised again, but also ones that they engineer/cause to happen themselves. It's not rape, what I'm describing, but deliberate re-traumatisation/self-victimisation/a sort of self-harming is how you could describe it?

This is exactly how my last relationship started.. and ultimately, and traumatically ended, along with a VERY good friendship, because we didn't stop after the first time and just content ourselves with being friends, and tried to turn it into an actual relationship. I wish we had stopped after the first time, then I'd still have a friend, even if I still didn't have a girlfriend.

I hope whatever you decide works out..

FYI, a lot of guys don't think of casual sex as "being used" like girls do.

Don't pretend it never happened, but don't get worked up over it.

Yeah I agree.

I wish there was some better way to describe it... Can't find anything about it on the internet and I heard about it from a doctor on the radio so

Oh here's a source on him talking about it... "sex addiction". I know that sex addiction is no longer in the DSM-V and I'm not saying that this what is happening but that's the best source that I can find on the phenomenon of this kind of self-harming behaviour after trauma.
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Insi ... w-Pinsky/2

I do not even understand what the problem is. He said that there wasn't a problem, and you say you enjoyed it, so I do not even understand why you are worried about it.

If i had sex with someone, i would still hope and attempt to keep seeing and spending more time w/ my future gf, and not someone who would stop talking to me because not only it was my first time, but i sucked at having sex...